Tips for handling a toxic co-worker (and how to avoid becoming one)

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/21/style/tips-for-handling-a-toxic-coworker.html

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For many Americans, navigating the modern workplace can be like traversing a minefield of time-crunched, stressed-out colleagues who prefer to keep one another at a safe distance rather than form bonds.

That’s tricky enough, but what happens when you come across someone who makes your workday a living hell? The subject of handling toxic co-workers is a popular one on workplace-focused websites and discussion boards, mostly because it’s a tricky subject, and most of us still have to coexist peacefully.

Jean Fitzpatrick and Rachel Sussman, two New York City-based relationship therapists, offered a few tips for dealing with a tough working relationship.

A toxic work relationship can leave a lasting impression, so it’s important to figure out what’s bothering you, Ms. Sussman said.

There are many types of uncomfortable work relationships, but there are a few types of bad behavior that can send up red flags: Beware the colleague who talks badly about other people, or the person who complains nonstop. The person who needs to be given credit for everything — or shuts you out of meetings — can also be a bad sign.

You may catch yourself “constantly thinking about someone or constantly complaining to your friends about that person,” Ms. Sussman said.

If thinking or talking about a bad work relationship bleeds into your post-work life for a long period, it’s time to start taking steps to solve the problem. (Ms. Fitzpatrick also suggested setting time limits on how much you complain about the colleague to your friends, family or partner.)

(Related: Write your boss that kiss-off letter. Then press delete.)

“First, acknowledge that this is going on,” Ms. Sussman said, “and then maybe run it by a friend that you admire. Just say, ‘I just want to talk this through with you out loud, to make sure it’s them and not me.’ ”

In this process, self-awareness will be important: You don’t know what the person is going through.

“Recognizing that other people are fighting their own battles in life and it’s not always about you is one great step” toward achieving peace of mind about a bad situation, according to Ms. Fitzpatrick.

If the conflict is long-lasting, there are several ways to cope.

You can try calmly confronting your colleague by addressing the issue and asking him or her how to work together to fix it.

“Don’t go behind their back, don’t go to the boss, don’t go to H.R.,” Ms. Sussman said, “Approach them first, not in an adversarial way.”

If this doesn’t work, distancing yourself is not a bad idea.

(If it’s a legitimate human resources issue, like harassment or abuse, document and keep a history of the problems, Ms. Sussman said.)

Another powerful tactic, Ms. Fitzpatrick said, is to take the high road when you’re confronted with negativity.

You might even compliment the colleague who tries to undermine you.

“I think we can turn it around when somebody seems to be envying us or putting us down,” Ms. Fitzpatrick said. “Somehow, highlighting another person’s accomplishments can turn things around.”

We don’t often think that we may be contributing to our own toxic work environments.

Heidi Grant Halvorson, a senior scientist at the Neuroleadership Institute, wrote in the Harvard Business Review in March that this is because there is “remarkably little overlap between how other people see us and how we think we’re coming across.”

If you’re sensing conflict, try to put yourself in a colleague’s shoes. Think about how you’re coming across. Clear communication is important when it comes to relating to others, too.

“Remember that people don’t have access to your secret thoughts and feelings,” Dr. Halvorson wrote. “You have to make them apparent. So make that effort to show you are on their side.”

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