Out of ‘The Real World,’ a Relationship That Has Endured
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Version 0 of 1. Dr. Pamela Ling and Judd Winick, who this summer celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary, had people rooting for their relationship long before they started dating. They met in 1994 after they were chosen to be among seven roommates on “Real World: San Francisco,” the third season of MTV’s pioneering reality program. She was a medical student, and he was an aspiring cartoonist. The show’s producers had hoped that romance would blossom on air between the two (they even compiled footage for a potential episode, “Judd’s Search for Love”), but that was not to be. Mr. Winick compared his relationship then with Dr. Ling to a 747 ready to take off that had been grounded on the runway. “We were in the friend zone because she had a boyfriend and we were on a television show,” he said. That the romance got started after the finale may be a key to their success, given the lack of longevity of many reality-show pairings. Their wedding was chronicled in a Sept. 9, 2001, Vows column in The New York Times. Mr. Winick cautions would-be lovers appearing on reality shows that waiting to connect is the wiser course. “I can’t imagine you’re completely you when you’re on camera,’’ he said. “It’s when the camera stops that you finally get to assess.” Off set, Dr. Ling and Mr. Winick bonded over their mutual geekiness. “She’s kind of shockingly nerdy,” he said. It is a description that she accepts with pride: “I went to astronomy camp, and I went a year earlier than anyone else.” Early on, they were immersed in “Star Wars” films. And even today, Mr. Winick said, “We still love and get obsessive about things together.” Their shared fascinations include goofy earworm videos by Parry Gripp, musicals like “Rent,” “Avenue Q” and “Hamilton” and television shows like “Game of Thrones” and “Project Runway.” They cite these common interests as one of the ways they have managed to keep their relationship fresh and exciting. “Celebrate your common joys,” Dr. Ling said. The of-the-moment compulsions are constantly replenished. “It happens every year,” Mr. Winick said. “Something new will come down the pike that becomes part of our zeitgeist and vocabulary. The kids pick up the baton and run with it.” Dr. Ling, 48, and Mr. Winick, 46, who live in San Francisco, have been careful about keeping their son and daughter from the public eye; they have avoided posting photographs of them on social media and asked that their names not be used in this article. They want their children to be able to choose for themselves, if the time comes, whether to enter the spotlight. But Mr. Winick joked that, with reality TV more prevalent than ever, their children may have to participate in a show one day as part of some sort of public service: “They pay for college, but you have to do three seasons on the E! network.” After “Real World,” both Mr. Winick and Dr. Ling have enjoyed successful careers. He is now a veteran comic-book writer and graphic novelist; Dr. Ling is a professor of medicine at the University of California, San Francisco. Her focus is studying how tobacco is marketed to young people, and her goal is to “make trouble for tobacco companies,” she said, and to “help hipsters quit smoking.” Together Dr. Ling and Mr. Winick help oversee the Pedro Zamora Young Leaders Scholarship, which gives small endowments to students committed to AIDS education. It is a way of honoring Mr. Zamora, their MTV roommate and AIDS educator who died of complications from AIDS in 1994. “I only wish we had 10 times the money to give away,” she said. (The bond between Dr. Ling and Mr. Winick deepened after they both flew to Miami to be at Mr. Zamora’s side before he died.) If there could ever be said to be any strain in their marriage, it may arise out of their mutual devotion to work. Dr. Ling mentioned a period of creative malaise for Mr. Winick when he was writing comics for Marvel and DC, but he was longing to get back to his cartoonist roots. “ ‘Judd is not always a happy person’ is the kind way to say it,” Dr. Ling said. How did she deal with this blue period? “I let Judd watch television. This is something his parents started when he was a kid. You can’t fight nature. It’s his opiate of choice.” Mr. Winick found his path again illustrating and writing “Hilo,” a graphic novel about a boy who crashes to Earth. “He’s still the same Judd, but 30 percent less angry just because the work is a better fit,” Dr. Ling said. The couple’s most trying period came over a decade ago, when Mr. Winick was working outside San Francisco on “The Life and Times of Juniper Lee,” an animated TV series he had created. “I was flying down to Burbank three days a week while Pam was up here, still working and pregnant with our son,” he said. It should have been a magical period, but the work and commute were a drain on them and stressed the relationship. All Mr. Winick wanted to talk about was the animated series, and Dr. Ling was understandably less enthusiastic about discussing the very thing that was keeping them apart. As the due date neared, Mr. Winick chose to spend less time at the show to make sure he was there for the birth. “I didn’t think this TV show was going to be around for 90 years, but this kid will be,” he said. Dr. Ling’s memories of that time are hazier. “The only thing harder than being pregnant and alone is single parenting,” she said. But she was so sleep-deprived, she said, that “I don’t remember it much.” Today, finding the right professional-personal balance continues to present challenges. “Working full time, seeing patients and doing research and having a family is virtually an impossible thing to do,” she said. Mr. Winick said, “If we fight over anything, we fight that Pam works too hard.” Dr. Ling has recently added another item on her agenda, but it is one of pure enjoyment: She is singing with the San Francisco Choral Society, a throwback to the year she took off before medical school to pursue a musical career. “I went around New York City and auditioned for really bad bands,” she said. Her passion for singing was reignited at a Harvard reunion, where she performed with a group at a memorial. “I realized I love to do this,” she said. Mr. Winick said, “Most importantly, Pam is spending time with a nonwork-related activity,” then added to his wife: “Admit it: You’re a lot happier.” “I am: I’m enjoying it,” she responded. Part of her rekindled love for singing inspired her husband to buy sheet music for her to play on their piano. Songs from “Hamilton” and “Star Wars” are on heavy rotation. Each of them shared a few insights on how to make a relationship work. Dr. Ling said: “Embrace your differences or complementary characteristics. I’m externally motivated, while Judd is internally motivated. I’m left brain, while Judd is right brain. I write science, while Judd writes stories.” For Mr. Winick, “Communication is key,” he said. “Know that you’re human. Know that sometimes it isn’t about you; it is the other person. And know that sometimes it is about you.” |