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Theresa May: back from Brussels but still in fantasyland Theresa May: back from Brussels but still in fantasyland
(35 minutes later)
What a difference a few days can make. On Friday, Theresa May had looked rattled at the indifference with which she had been treated. A “pff” here and a “bof” there had been the only tangible evidence of anyone having taken any notice of her presence in Brussels at the European council summit. But now she’d had time to reflect on her performance it had been nothing less than a total triumph.What a difference a few days can make. On Friday, Theresa May had looked rattled at the indifference with which she had been treated. A “pff” here and a “bof” there had been the only tangible evidence of anyone having taken any notice of her presence in Brussels at the European council summit. But now she’d had time to reflect on her performance it had been nothing less than a total triumph.
Far from being a graveyard slot, the five minutes she had been given – “if you must, Theresa” – long after dinner had finished and everyone had gone to bed was absolute primetime. Didn’t everyone always leave the most important item on the agenda till after “Any Other Business”? And those noises her insecurity had allowed her to think of as snores were, now she came to think of it, purrs of approval.Far from being a graveyard slot, the five minutes she had been given – “if you must, Theresa” – long after dinner had finished and everyone had gone to bed was absolute primetime. Didn’t everyone always leave the most important item on the agenda till after “Any Other Business”? And those noises her insecurity had allowed her to think of as snores were, now she came to think of it, purrs of approval.
“With permission, Mister Speaker,” the prime minister began her statement on the EU council, “I’d like to say that I put those EU Johnnies right in their place. The only reason they spent all their time talking about boring old Russia rather than me, me, me was because I, Theresa the Conqueror, had given them permission to do so.”“With permission, Mister Speaker,” the prime minister began her statement on the EU council, “I’d like to say that I put those EU Johnnies right in their place. The only reason they spent all their time talking about boring old Russia rather than me, me, me was because I, Theresa the Conqueror, had given them permission to do so.”
She went on to say the other EU heads had been so impressed with the logic of Brexit meaning Brexit that they had asked her to repeat it in French. Brexit veut dire Brexit. This was the new level of constructive bilateralism she hoped to take into the negotiations when she got round to working out what the hell it was she wanted to negotiate. “We will be having some general debates about whatever it is we get round to asking for,” she said, “but I won’t be going into any details.” Largely because there were none to go into.She went on to say the other EU heads had been so impressed with the logic of Brexit meaning Brexit that they had asked her to repeat it in French. Brexit veut dire Brexit. This was the new level of constructive bilateralism she hoped to take into the negotiations when she got round to working out what the hell it was she wanted to negotiate. “We will be having some general debates about whatever it is we get round to asking for,” she said, “but I won’t be going into any details.” Largely because there were none to go into.
There were a few puzzled faces in the Commons. Even for Theresa Peut-Etre – as the EU leaders had teasingly renamed her – history was getting rewritten awfully quickly. “Everyone can see that the prime minister doesn’t have a plan,” said Jeremy Corbyn, not unkindly. He speaks as a man who can recognise a fellow sufferer. “The pound is falling, two weeks ago the Treasury was forecasting a £60bn loss, confidence in business is falling” – Boris Johnson and David Davis started sniggering on the front bench at that point – “and all she is offering are some general debates about Brexit just before Christmas when everyone will be too busy with their shopping to pay any attention.” There were a few puzzled faces in the Commons. Even for Theresa Peut-Être – as the EU leaders had teasingly renamed her – history was getting rewritten awfully quickly. “Everyone can see that the prime minister doesn’t have a plan,” said Jeremy Corbyn, not unkindly. He speaks as a man who can recognise a fellow sufferer. “The pound is falling, two weeks ago the Treasury was forecasting a £60bn loss, confidence in business is falling” – Boris Johnson and David Davis started sniggering on the front bench at that point – “and all she is offering are some general debates about Brexit just before Christmas when everyone will be too busy with their shopping to pay any attention.”
“How very dare you!” Theresa declared, by now beginning to get rather tetchy. She doesn’t like it when her reality is challenged. “We do have a plan and that plan is not to have a plan so it is definitely a plan. No responsible government would go into negotiations with the absence of any other plan.”“How very dare you!” Theresa declared, by now beginning to get rather tetchy. She doesn’t like it when her reality is challenged. “We do have a plan and that plan is not to have a plan so it is definitely a plan. No responsible government would go into negotiations with the absence of any other plan.”
And that was about as far as we got. Thereafter the Eurosceptics all stood up to congratulate the prime minister for refusing to talk French – “we go over there and they don’t even have the courtesy not to talk in their own language” – and to demand she deliver the hardest of hard Brexits as that’s what everyone in the country had voted for.And that was about as far as we got. Thereafter the Eurosceptics all stood up to congratulate the prime minister for refusing to talk French – “we go over there and they don’t even have the courtesy not to talk in their own language” – and to demand she deliver the hardest of hard Brexits as that’s what everyone in the country had voted for.
Labour and the Europhile Conservatives continued to insist on the prime minister being rather less cagey about her own bargaining position. “We need to hear some clear objectives,” said Hilary Benn, the newly appointed chair of the Brexit select committee.Labour and the Europhile Conservatives continued to insist on the prime minister being rather less cagey about her own bargaining position. “We need to hear some clear objectives,” said Hilary Benn, the newly appointed chair of the Brexit select committee.
“I have set out my objectives which are to have no objectives,” she replied.“I have set out my objectives which are to have no objectives,” she replied.
“But sooner or later the other EU countries will debate our lack of objectives in their own parliaments and we will then discover we don’t have any objectives.”“But sooner or later the other EU countries will debate our lack of objectives in their own parliaments and we will then discover we don’t have any objectives.”
“That’s the brilliance of my position. By having no objectives they won’t have any objectives to debate.”“That’s the brilliance of my position. By having no objectives they won’t have any objectives to debate.”
“The prime minister’s policy of saying nothing is going to be hard to sustain given the level of leaks coming from her own Brexit sub-committee,” said Andrew Tyrie, chair of the Treasury select committee. Boris, Davis and Liam Fox all blushed. Banged to rights. Though leaking their own government’s inertia and confusion isn’t necessarily the smartest of moves.“The prime minister’s policy of saying nothing is going to be hard to sustain given the level of leaks coming from her own Brexit sub-committee,” said Andrew Tyrie, chair of the Treasury select committee. Boris, Davis and Liam Fox all blushed. Banged to rights. Though leaking their own government’s inertia and confusion isn’t necessarily the smartest of moves.
On and on went the questions. The single market. The customs union. Theresa tried to act as if she had some kind of grasp of what was going on, but by now the doubts that had consumed her in Brussels the previous weekend had taken over once more. Right now she didn’t really care what Brexit she got so long as it went away some time soon.On and on went the questions. The single market. The customs union. Theresa tried to act as if she had some kind of grasp of what was going on, but by now the doubts that had consumed her in Brussels the previous weekend had taken over once more. Right now she didn’t really care what Brexit she got so long as it went away some time soon.