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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/nov/04/after-a-lifetime-of-loss-church-apology-is-too-little-too-late
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| 'After a lifetime of loss, church apology is too little, too late' | |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| Someone told me that giving up my baby for adoption would be “like recovering from a nasty case of measles”. I was expected to just get on with it afterwards as if nothing had happened. | Someone told me that giving up my baby for adoption would be “like recovering from a nasty case of measles”. I was expected to just get on with it afterwards as if nothing had happened. |
| I was 21 and had got pregnant after my first sexual experience at university. My mother organised for me to go to a guesthouse in Devon for the birth, and immediately after my son was born he was taken away. | I was 21 and had got pregnant after my first sexual experience at university. My mother organised for me to go to a guesthouse in Devon for the birth, and immediately after my son was born he was taken away. |
| I was given a rock crystal necklace by the adoptive parents, and I remember thinking that it was no replacement for a baby, but they were being kind – it wasn’t their fault. | I was given a rock crystal necklace by the adoptive parents, and I remember thinking that it was no replacement for a baby, but they were being kind – it wasn’t their fault. |
| I had no choice but to pull myself together and never mention my baby again. I blocked it out and thought it was a well-kept secret but it turned out that most of my friends and fellow students knew. | I had no choice but to pull myself together and never mention my baby again. I blocked it out and thought it was a well-kept secret but it turned out that most of my friends and fellow students knew. |
| One in particular reminded me recently that I had written her a letter saying I was having a baby and I should be happy and surrounded by flowers, but instead I had to give my baby away. I warned her: “Don’t let it happen to you.” | One in particular reminded me recently that I had written her a letter saying I was having a baby and I should be happy and surrounded by flowers, but instead I had to give my baby away. I warned her: “Don’t let it happen to you.” |
| It wasn’t until 47 years later, when my son came to find me, that I realised what a weight of shame and guilt I had been carrying around. | It wasn’t until 47 years later, when my son came to find me, that I realised what a weight of shame and guilt I had been carrying around. |
| It was a relief, a joy, to be able to tell my friends about my experience and know that in this day and age they would not judge me. | It was a relief, a joy, to be able to tell my friends about my experience and know that in this day and age they would not judge me. |
| At the time, there was no real separation between social norms and what the church thought was right. My mother was working class, strong and domineering, and when I told her I was pregnant she did what they did then to terminate a pregnancy – she put me in a hot bath and gave me lots of gin. | At the time, there was no real separation between social norms and what the church thought was right. My mother was working class, strong and domineering, and when I told her I was pregnant she did what they did then to terminate a pregnancy – she put me in a hot bath and gave me lots of gin. |
| It didn’t work. I remember saying “I want to keep my child”, but at that time it was unthinkable. I knew I had to do what I was told because being an unmarried mother was something you kept quiet. | It didn’t work. I remember saying “I want to keep my child”, but at that time it was unthinkable. I knew I had to do what I was told because being an unmarried mother was something you kept quiet. |
| Lots of women who this happened to were naive and very frightened. There was no counselling or support or help, so you just got on with it. The approach was: “Let’s do this as efficiently as possible and then pretend it never happened.” There was no question of any psychological impact. | Lots of women who this happened to were naive and very frightened. There was no counselling or support or help, so you just got on with it. The approach was: “Let’s do this as efficiently as possible and then pretend it never happened.” There was no question of any psychological impact. |
| But of course, you cannot experience something like that without it affecting you. It coloured many parts of my life. When my daughter was born I was terrified. I remember looking at her and thinking: “How am I going to keep you alive?” At some deep level I must have feared another child being taken away from me. | But of course, you cannot experience something like that without it affecting you. It coloured many parts of my life. When my daughter was born I was terrified. I remember looking at her and thinking: “How am I going to keep you alive?” At some deep level I must have feared another child being taken away from me. |
| When I first spoke to my son again I felt an incredible bubble of happiness surrounding me. I am so glad he looked for me because I felt too ashamed to look for him, as if I didn’t deserve to be in his life because I had let him go. | When I first spoke to my son again I felt an incredible bubble of happiness surrounding me. I am so glad he looked for me because I felt too ashamed to look for him, as if I didn’t deserve to be in his life because I had let him go. |
| We met in a pub and he hugged me and sat next to me, joking: “I haven’t seen you for ages.” We talked for hours. | We met in a pub and he hugged me and sat next to me, joking: “I haven’t seen you for ages.” We talked for hours. |
| The following months were a mixture of joy and pain because I resented his adoptive mother who had seen him grow up. It was terribly unfair to her, but I didn’t know how I fitted in. This has got better over time and now I can appreciate how difficult my appearance on the scene must have been for her. | The following months were a mixture of joy and pain because I resented his adoptive mother who had seen him grow up. It was terribly unfair to her, but I didn’t know how I fitted in. This has got better over time and now I can appreciate how difficult my appearance on the scene must have been for her. |
| The church’s apology is quite frankly too little, too late. I am not the only casualty of what happened. My son is too and although he was raised in a loving and comfortable family, he suffered – from lack of identity, from a feeling of abandonment. | The church’s apology is quite frankly too little, too late. I am not the only casualty of what happened. My son is too and although he was raised in a loving and comfortable family, he suffered – from lack of identity, from a feeling of abandonment. |
| What does an apology mean? It doesn’t take away the pain. For women to be told “I’m sorry” after a lifetime of loss doesn’t help much. | What does an apology mean? It doesn’t take away the pain. For women to be told “I’m sorry” after a lifetime of loss doesn’t help much. |