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| Obama for PM and compulsory Harry Potter: rejected government e-petitions | Obama for PM and compulsory Harry Potter: rejected government e-petitions |
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| Oh for the days, before the start of the end of the world, when all one had to worry about was Bake Off moving to Channel 4, and whether or not England striker Harry Kane should be taking corners. The joint government and House of Commons petitions committee’s list of online petitions, in which these two subjects appear, is a wonderful testament to the complaints of the British public, some more worthy of consideration than others. But it is the rejection pile where the true vexations are revealed. Here are just some of those rejected for failing to meet e-petitioning standards, and the words of their hopeful complainants: | |
| Make Motörhead’s Ace of Spades the official national anthem of England“At present England has no official anthem of its own. I believe this elegant and unforgettable song perfectly sums up our indomitable spirit, plus it’s that or the Archer’s [sic] theme tune.” | Make Motörhead’s Ace of Spades the official national anthem of England“At present England has no official anthem of its own. I believe this elegant and unforgettable song perfectly sums up our indomitable spirit, plus it’s that or the Archer’s [sic] theme tune.” |
| Make Barack Obama the next prime minister of the UK“Barack Obama is soon to be looking for a job. It would be a waste to allow such an intelligent, funny and kind individual to pass us by. We should make every effort to grant him British citizenship and get him over here to take charge. He has to be better than the clowns we currently have.” This petition, while completely sensible, misunderstands how democracy works. It was rejected: “As you might already know, the prime minister of the UK is not chosen by the UK government or parliament.” | Make Barack Obama the next prime minister of the UK“Barack Obama is soon to be looking for a job. It would be a waste to allow such an intelligent, funny and kind individual to pass us by. We should make every effort to grant him British citizenship and get him over here to take charge. He has to be better than the clowns we currently have.” This petition, while completely sensible, misunderstands how democracy works. It was rejected: “As you might already know, the prime minister of the UK is not chosen by the UK government or parliament.” |
| I believe that popular fast-food chain McDonald’s owe me a free milkshake“I was pressured into making my order quickly due to a growing queue behind me and I decided on a strawberry milkshake, however upon sitting down to enjoy my meal I realised I should have gone with a vanilla milkshake instead. Based on these grounds I believe McDonald’s owe me one free milkshake.” Rejected by a cold, callous government. | I believe that popular fast-food chain McDonald’s owe me a free milkshake“I was pressured into making my order quickly due to a growing queue behind me and I decided on a strawberry milkshake, however upon sitting down to enjoy my meal I realised I should have gone with a vanilla milkshake instead. Based on these grounds I believe McDonald’s owe me one free milkshake.” Rejected by a cold, callous government. |
| Compel any MP supporting Brexit to spend one day a week producing food “Given the food security crisis caused to the UK, any member supporting the use of article 50 of the Treaty of Lisbon should spend a day a week digging to plant, tend and harvest potatoes.” This was rejected, but there’s nothing to stop you, shovel in hand, inviting Michael Gove or even failed-MP Nigel Farage down to your allotment. | Compel any MP supporting Brexit to spend one day a week producing food “Given the food security crisis caused to the UK, any member supporting the use of article 50 of the Treaty of Lisbon should spend a day a week digging to plant, tend and harvest potatoes.” This was rejected, but there’s nothing to stop you, shovel in hand, inviting Michael Gove or even failed-MP Nigel Farage down to your allotment. |
| Give Nigel Farage a Knighood [sic] for freeing us from EuropeRejected. Give him some chitted potatoes instead? | Give Nigel Farage a Knighood [sic] for freeing us from EuropeRejected. Give him some chitted potatoes instead? |
| Let us perform grease lightning [sic] at our leavers assemblyThere are worse things they could do. (The answer was “no”.) | Let us perform grease lightning [sic] at our leavers assemblyThere are worse things they could do. (The answer was “no”.) |
| Make the reading of the complete Harry Potter series compulsory by the age of 16“I strongly believe in the idea that the reading of exemplary literature is vital in the development of young peoples understanding of the English language and the increase in their IQ. It has always been a strong part of my life and I feel as though it has helped me to be the best I can be.” Signed one JK Rowling. | Make the reading of the complete Harry Potter series compulsory by the age of 16“I strongly believe in the idea that the reading of exemplary literature is vital in the development of young peoples understanding of the English language and the increase in their IQ. It has always been a strong part of my life and I feel as though it has helped me to be the best I can be.” Signed one JK Rowling. |
| Make it illegal for shops to advertise Christmas until 25 November“I love Christmas; most people do,” writes the complainant, presumably not aware of the many other petitions that believe “Islamic Persecution” is killing Christmas. Still, an excellent idea that would insulate us from the John Lewis advert for at least another couple of weeks. Alas, goes the rejection, “the Government is not directly responsible for advertising”. | Make it illegal for shops to advertise Christmas until 25 November“I love Christmas; most people do,” writes the complainant, presumably not aware of the many other petitions that believe “Islamic Persecution” is killing Christmas. Still, an excellent idea that would insulate us from the John Lewis advert for at least another couple of weeks. Alas, goes the rejection, “the Government is not directly responsible for advertising”. |
| Standardise the word for bread roll across the UK and EU to the word cob“I propose that the correct word ‘Cob’ be made the standard word and made legally enforceable word across the UK and EU.” Sadly, this won’t be on the table in Brexit negotiations. Would also have caused conflict with the baps faction. | Standardise the word for bread roll across the UK and EU to the word cob“I propose that the correct word ‘Cob’ be made the standard word and made legally enforceable word across the UK and EU.” Sadly, this won’t be on the table in Brexit negotiations. Would also have caused conflict with the baps faction. |
| If a company makes a product smaller, they must declare so on the packagingHad parliament listened to this, we might have avoided the 2016 Toblerone wars. | If a company makes a product smaller, they must declare so on the packagingHad parliament listened to this, we might have avoided the 2016 Toblerone wars. |
| Stop discrimination against tall people“Being tall is not a choice! We’re given substandard office furniture, forced to pay more for specialist unflattering clothes & shoes, high osteo bills & we have to pay more for upgraded airline & train seats, and being constantly subjected to oinks [sic] asking: ‘What’s the weather like up there?’” This complaint is not looking likely to be enshrined in equality laws, however. “You mention a number of disadvantages,” is the response, “but have not explained what action you would like the UK government or parliament to do about it.” | Stop discrimination against tall people“Being tall is not a choice! We’re given substandard office furniture, forced to pay more for specialist unflattering clothes & shoes, high osteo bills & we have to pay more for upgraded airline & train seats, and being constantly subjected to oinks [sic] asking: ‘What’s the weather like up there?’” This complaint is not looking likely to be enshrined in equality laws, however. “You mention a number of disadvantages,” is the response, “but have not explained what action you would like the UK government or parliament to do about it.” |
| A piano for every householdThis petitioner, who believes a family piano “would be an immense social good”, has done some costings and estimates the total government piano spend would amount to £772bn. It seems a lot but savings in the NHS – thanks to lower stress, and cigarette and alcohol consumption – would be made. This was rejected, not because of the government’s staunch anti-piano stance, but because: “It was created using a fake or incomplete name.” | A piano for every householdThis petitioner, who believes a family piano “would be an immense social good”, has done some costings and estimates the total government piano spend would amount to £772bn. It seems a lot but savings in the NHS – thanks to lower stress, and cigarette and alcohol consumption – would be made. This was rejected, not because of the government’s staunch anti-piano stance, but because: “It was created using a fake or incomplete name.” |
| It is about time we changed the plural of sheep from sheep to sheeps“If the letter ‘S’ is good enough for other words it’s good enough for sheeps.” | It is about time we changed the plural of sheep from sheep to sheeps“If the letter ‘S’ is good enough for other words it’s good enough for sheeps.” |