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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/healthcare-network/2016/nov/17/colleagues-suicide-shows-vulnerable-medical-professionals-can-be
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| My colleague's suicide showed how vulnerable medical professionals can be My colleague's suicide showed how vulnerable medical professionals can be | |
| (about 1 month later) | |
| I stood in front of the ambulance bay door. My badge clutched in my hand, knuckles white, jaw clenched. I questioned my attempt at returning to work on this day. I stood in front of the doors grappling with a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew then, right there, that my career in the emergency department was over. | I stood in front of the ambulance bay door. My badge clutched in my hand, knuckles white, jaw clenched. I questioned my attempt at returning to work on this day. I stood in front of the doors grappling with a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew then, right there, that my career in the emergency department was over. |
| A quiet swollen presence of pain ran down every corridor. The night before, we lost a colleague to suicide. Some of us found the body. Some of us carried out the post mortem care. Some of us stood there as family filed in to the room. Some of us made the calls alerting fellow staff. Some of us, all of us, changed forever that night. | A quiet swollen presence of pain ran down every corridor. The night before, we lost a colleague to suicide. Some of us found the body. Some of us carried out the post mortem care. Some of us stood there as family filed in to the room. Some of us made the calls alerting fellow staff. Some of us, all of us, changed forever that night. |
| For some vocations, a bad day at the office means: “I dropped a carton of eggs” or “I broke the copier”. Some are more serious of course: “I really messed up a haircut” and the infamous “I crashed the company car”. In medicine, however, a bad day usually means, “We lost a toddler”; “A young family lost their baby”; “She will never walk again”; and “Time of death …”. The list could go on and on; the point is, the magnitude at which we affect the world of each individual person in healthcare is far different than most jobs. We take on the world, we attempt heroic measures, forgetting, we are indeed, so very human. | For some vocations, a bad day at the office means: “I dropped a carton of eggs” or “I broke the copier”. Some are more serious of course: “I really messed up a haircut” and the infamous “I crashed the company car”. In medicine, however, a bad day usually means, “We lost a toddler”; “A young family lost their baby”; “She will never walk again”; and “Time of death …”. The list could go on and on; the point is, the magnitude at which we affect the world of each individual person in healthcare is far different than most jobs. We take on the world, we attempt heroic measures, forgetting, we are indeed, so very human. |
| We study for years, sometimes decades, focusing our skill, perfecting it, to heal, to save, and to comfort. The team we do all these things with becomes a sort of family. You are all present on the worst days together. You share the sorrow, the shock, and the deep regret that everything you have dedicated your life to studying has failed you. You failed together. You failed in the worst way, but you have one another. You can share that dark humour, the memory of this fleeting moment. You can share together the memory of watching the doctor whisper something comforting, or that nurse hold the deceased family member’s hand. Each of you knows what it feels like, to pronounce a patient dead in one room, and in the very next room, moments later, help a three year old change into a hospital gown so that they can be evaluated thoroughly. You do all this with a smile on your face, never for a second letting on that in the next room, a tragedy they can’t imagine has just unfolded. | We study for years, sometimes decades, focusing our skill, perfecting it, to heal, to save, and to comfort. The team we do all these things with becomes a sort of family. You are all present on the worst days together. You share the sorrow, the shock, and the deep regret that everything you have dedicated your life to studying has failed you. You failed together. You failed in the worst way, but you have one another. You can share that dark humour, the memory of this fleeting moment. You can share together the memory of watching the doctor whisper something comforting, or that nurse hold the deceased family member’s hand. Each of you knows what it feels like, to pronounce a patient dead in one room, and in the very next room, moments later, help a three year old change into a hospital gown so that they can be evaluated thoroughly. You do all this with a smile on your face, never for a second letting on that in the next room, a tragedy they can’t imagine has just unfolded. |
| Eventually, it eats little holes in your soul. Sometimes there are nightmares, other times you stand in a quiet trauma room and feel the presence of every lost soul standing behind you as you scrub down a stretcher. Bigger and bigger it creeps, into you, never though are you afforded the right to go and lament to your friends over drinks, or weep at your place of worship. Never can you post on public media and share your sorrow. Never can you truly convey what it feels like to have dedicated your life to becoming an expert, but when you have a bad day, someone dies. You cannot ever make someone, who isn’t sunken knee deep into the profession, understand what that means. | Eventually, it eats little holes in your soul. Sometimes there are nightmares, other times you stand in a quiet trauma room and feel the presence of every lost soul standing behind you as you scrub down a stretcher. Bigger and bigger it creeps, into you, never though are you afforded the right to go and lament to your friends over drinks, or weep at your place of worship. Never can you post on public media and share your sorrow. Never can you truly convey what it feels like to have dedicated your life to becoming an expert, but when you have a bad day, someone dies. You cannot ever make someone, who isn’t sunken knee deep into the profession, understand what that means. |
| The kinship you establish with those with whom you share this camaraderie cannot be duplicated. They are a family that knows all your secrets of trauma and sorrow. There is something indescribably comforting in having these people know you at your worst moments, exhausted, angry, and sad. | The kinship you establish with those with whom you share this camaraderie cannot be duplicated. They are a family that knows all your secrets of trauma and sorrow. There is something indescribably comforting in having these people know you at your worst moments, exhausted, angry, and sad. |
| The secrets within the hospital walls bonding us together are the same web, that when one of us succumbs to the beast of depression, is torn apart forever. None of us knows what cost our colleague and dear friend their life, it was never made clear. But our family, if you will, was severed to the core, doing the thing we did well together, without them, to them. | The secrets within the hospital walls bonding us together are the same web, that when one of us succumbs to the beast of depression, is torn apart forever. None of us knows what cost our colleague and dear friend their life, it was never made clear. But our family, if you will, was severed to the core, doing the thing we did well together, without them, to them. |
| I still practise, in a different forum. I think of emergency department life every day. Now I realise how human each of us really is, there are no superheroes among us. Now when my team is becoming saturated, I actively seek out ways to alleviate that pressure, for myself, and for my team. On good days someone gets to live another day, but this doesn’t make the really bad days any easier. | I still practise, in a different forum. I think of emergency department life every day. Now I realise how human each of us really is, there are no superheroes among us. Now when my team is becoming saturated, I actively seek out ways to alleviate that pressure, for myself, and for my team. On good days someone gets to live another day, but this doesn’t make the really bad days any easier. |
| Join the Healthcare Professionals Network to read more pieces like this. And follow us on Twitter (@GdnHealthcare) to keep up with the latest healthcare news and views. | Join the Healthcare Professionals Network to read more pieces like this. And follow us on Twitter (@GdnHealthcare) to keep up with the latest healthcare news and views. |