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| I hated being a stay-at-home mum – how many others feel the same? I hated being a stay-at-home mum – how many others feel the same? | |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| I was once a stay-at-home mum, and I hated it. Anathema as this might be to most, I think it’s something few women are willing to utter aloud, for fear of public condemnation. | I was once a stay-at-home mum, and I hated it. Anathema as this might be to most, I think it’s something few women are willing to utter aloud, for fear of public condemnation. |
| When you grow up in a society that rhapsodises about the joys and wonderment of motherhood to you from the day dot, it can be an especially crushing realisation that it’s not your path. I spent years hauling around maternal guilt. I thought I’d reached the nadir of parenthood when I admitted to myself I felt stifled by giving up work. | When you grow up in a society that rhapsodises about the joys and wonderment of motherhood to you from the day dot, it can be an especially crushing realisation that it’s not your path. I spent years hauling around maternal guilt. I thought I’d reached the nadir of parenthood when I admitted to myself I felt stifled by giving up work. |
| Today, many years after returning to work full-time, that shame has long abated. And despite the inherent complications of interweaving familial duty with a professional life, I wouldn’t change it. A typical day involves running from the office to the childminder and then home, cooking supper and baking Children In Need cakes, while still in my coat and wellies. It’s not the shape of motherhood society prepared me for, but it is a reality for many working mothers, and it can be just as satisfying as the one we’re traditionally sold. | Today, many years after returning to work full-time, that shame has long abated. And despite the inherent complications of interweaving familial duty with a professional life, I wouldn’t change it. A typical day involves running from the office to the childminder and then home, cooking supper and baking Children In Need cakes, while still in my coat and wellies. It’s not the shape of motherhood society prepared me for, but it is a reality for many working mothers, and it can be just as satisfying as the one we’re traditionally sold. |
| For many women, motherhood is not the zenith of existence | For many women, motherhood is not the zenith of existence |
| Finally, a report has been published that seems to counter the rhetoric about selfless motherhood. Research by Oxford University’s Dr Laurence Roope suggests that children of working parents develop faster than those of stay-at-home parents. While it’s important not to draw concrete conclusions from one study, this is a much-needed challenge to the one-dimensional view of hierarchical motherhood that is upheld. | Finally, a report has been published that seems to counter the rhetoric about selfless motherhood. Research by Oxford University’s Dr Laurence Roope suggests that children of working parents develop faster than those of stay-at-home parents. While it’s important not to draw concrete conclusions from one study, this is a much-needed challenge to the one-dimensional view of hierarchical motherhood that is upheld. |
| Working and stay-at-home motherhood so often exist in discussion as extremes, conflating biological and social ideas, and valuing one above the other. There is little discussion of the overlap, or of the fluid nature of mothering identity, which is dictated by choice or circumstance over the course of a woman’s life. These ideologies are presented as a false binary. It’s OK to choose one and change your mind – in either direction. But what you might want to do today, or what is a reality for your family, could change tomorrow. Dismantling this outdated view of motherhood is necessary to release the guilt from these decisions. | Working and stay-at-home motherhood so often exist in discussion as extremes, conflating biological and social ideas, and valuing one above the other. There is little discussion of the overlap, or of the fluid nature of mothering identity, which is dictated by choice or circumstance over the course of a woman’s life. These ideologies are presented as a false binary. It’s OK to choose one and change your mind – in either direction. But what you might want to do today, or what is a reality for your family, could change tomorrow. Dismantling this outdated view of motherhood is necessary to release the guilt from these decisions. |
| For many women, motherhood is not the zenith of existence. It can be, if that is what you want to centre your life around, but extract individual motivation and motherhood is but one facet of being a person. We’re not one-dimensional. We’re complex wholes made up of competing, evolving identities. | For many women, motherhood is not the zenith of existence. It can be, if that is what you want to centre your life around, but extract individual motivation and motherhood is but one facet of being a person. We’re not one-dimensional. We’re complex wholes made up of competing, evolving identities. |
| I grew up in a family where my mother stayed at home for a while and then returned to work. In the late 80s and the 90s, I was fully exposed to the stereotype of the selfish working mum. We’re all familiar with the imagined privations of the working family. But it’s not the reality. We’re not facing societal meltdown over love-starved children, emotionally stymied thanks to missed parental playdough and finger-painting sessions. My wonderful childminder is far better at those things than me, and letting go of that corner of my children’s upbringing has been cathartic. Yes, my role is as mother, but in our house that means arbiter, decision-maker, breadwinner, leader. | I grew up in a family where my mother stayed at home for a while and then returned to work. In the late 80s and the 90s, I was fully exposed to the stereotype of the selfish working mum. We’re all familiar with the imagined privations of the working family. But it’s not the reality. We’re not facing societal meltdown over love-starved children, emotionally stymied thanks to missed parental playdough and finger-painting sessions. My wonderful childminder is far better at those things than me, and letting go of that corner of my children’s upbringing has been cathartic. Yes, my role is as mother, but in our house that means arbiter, decision-maker, breadwinner, leader. |
| Work has given me a focus that staying home did not. It has also given me skills and a framework for running a house and a family on my own. Some may balk at this, but I run my family like I run my team at work – with goals, with purpose, with support, with strategic intent and a blend of democratic and collaborative decision-making. I would not have those skills to apply to the chaos of child-rearing if it wasn’t for working. | Work has given me a focus that staying home did not. It has also given me skills and a framework for running a house and a family on my own. Some may balk at this, but I run my family like I run my team at work – with goals, with purpose, with support, with strategic intent and a blend of democratic and collaborative decision-making. I would not have those skills to apply to the chaos of child-rearing if it wasn’t for working. |
| Work has also been a leveller in our house. We all have a multitude of coexisting needs, both met and unmet at any moment. One wants her hair braided but I have a report to write. I want to make an early meeting, but there’s an important assembly. My children are being raised by a person with flaws and who isn’t 100% theirs. They’ve learned the value of compromise and empathy. They understand they are a component part of a greater whole, rather than the nucleus of our world. Work works for us. | Work has also been a leveller in our house. We all have a multitude of coexisting needs, both met and unmet at any moment. One wants her hair braided but I have a report to write. I want to make an early meeting, but there’s an important assembly. My children are being raised by a person with flaws and who isn’t 100% theirs. They’ve learned the value of compromise and empathy. They understand they are a component part of a greater whole, rather than the nucleus of our world. Work works for us. |
| We can’t tell girls they can do whatever they want, and only amplify the virtues of one type of parenting. They deserve honesty and support mechanisms that help them into work, like progressive childcare and equal paternity leave. And we can’t fully unshackle ourselves from the domestic expectations of our gender without a government that understands and responds to the barriers women face. | We can’t tell girls they can do whatever they want, and only amplify the virtues of one type of parenting. They deserve honesty and support mechanisms that help them into work, like progressive childcare and equal paternity leave. And we can’t fully unshackle ourselves from the domestic expectations of our gender without a government that understands and responds to the barriers women face. |
| With more than a third of local authorities in England saying they don’t have enough nursery places, meeting the demand so often comes back to women – grandmothers, aunts, sisters, friends. The government must step up to meet the demands of modern motherhood that so often relies on childcare. | With more than a third of local authorities in England saying they don’t have enough nursery places, meeting the demand so often comes back to women – grandmothers, aunts, sisters, friends. The government must step up to meet the demands of modern motherhood that so often relies on childcare. |
| Until that happens, do not accept the fate of your biology. Do not accept you’re wrong or unnatural because you want to work. We need to demonstrate what a valuable contribution a full enfranchised female workforce can offer. The kids will be alright whatever you choose if your heart is in it – and so will you. | Until that happens, do not accept the fate of your biology. Do not accept you’re wrong or unnatural because you want to work. We need to demonstrate what a valuable contribution a full enfranchised female workforce can offer. The kids will be alright whatever you choose if your heart is in it – and so will you. |