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Forget Trump and Brexit, we need to talk about Toblerone Forget Trump and Brexit, we need to talk about Toblerone | |
(17 days later) | |
The backlash faced by a hard-working MSP last week after he spoke out about the reduced weight of Toblerone chocolate bars is emblematic of the beastliness that has begun to creep into Scottish politics recently. During a febrile and quite nasty period in UK politics, surely the heartwarming intervention of SNP MSP Colin Beattie will endure long after we have dug ourselves out of the ordure of Brexit, Trump and the Scottish international football team. | The backlash faced by a hard-working MSP last week after he spoke out about the reduced weight of Toblerone chocolate bars is emblematic of the beastliness that has begun to creep into Scottish politics recently. During a febrile and quite nasty period in UK politics, surely the heartwarming intervention of SNP MSP Colin Beattie will endure long after we have dug ourselves out of the ordure of Brexit, Trump and the Scottish international football team. |
Beattie, an MSP for five years, has waited long and patiently at Holyrood before choosing his time to make his epoch-defining intervention in Scottish public life. We can only guess at how much his heart must have swelled with pride and how his brain must have been bursting with the implications of the moment. Beattie is the MSP for Midlothian North and Musselburgh. Last week, he lodged a motion at Holyrood calling on the UK government to “take speedy action” over the reduction in weight of Toblerone chocolate bars. | Beattie, an MSP for five years, has waited long and patiently at Holyrood before choosing his time to make his epoch-defining intervention in Scottish public life. We can only guess at how much his heart must have swelled with pride and how his brain must have been bursting with the implications of the moment. Beattie is the MSP for Midlothian North and Musselburgh. Last week, he lodged a motion at Holyrood calling on the UK government to “take speedy action” over the reduction in weight of Toblerone chocolate bars. |
The full text of his historic intervention bears repeating. It reads: “Parliament notes with concern Mondolēz International’s recent decision to widen the gaps between the segments of the iconic Swiss chocolate bar, Toblerone, in the UK; understands that this was made in order to allay rising costs for numerous ingredients; believes that this is emblematic of the devastating consequences that Brexit could bring.” | The full text of his historic intervention bears repeating. It reads: “Parliament notes with concern Mondolēz International’s recent decision to widen the gaps between the segments of the iconic Swiss chocolate bar, Toblerone, in the UK; understands that this was made in order to allay rising costs for numerous ingredients; believes that this is emblematic of the devastating consequences that Brexit could bring.” |
In preparing to move this motion, the astute Beattie has chosen wisely: for the idiosyncratic Swiss confection retains a special place in the hearts of parents and children everywhere. This is more than a mere chocolate bar; this is a confection par excellence that opens a vast swath of educational possibilities to a discerning family. | In preparing to move this motion, the astute Beattie has chosen wisely: for the idiosyncratic Swiss confection retains a special place in the hearts of parents and children everywhere. This is more than a mere chocolate bar; this is a confection par excellence that opens a vast swath of educational possibilities to a discerning family. |
Once it has been unwrapped from its silver-foil casing, the triangular aspect of the Toblerone marching in perfect sequence can begin to unlock geometrical secrets in a way that eluded my old teacher, Mr Magill, in maths. This design could never have been dreamed up in a British factory still beholden to the arithmetical meat and potatoes of squares and rectangles. | Once it has been unwrapped from its silver-foil casing, the triangular aspect of the Toblerone marching in perfect sequence can begin to unlock geometrical secrets in a way that eluded my old teacher, Mr Magill, in maths. This design could never have been dreamed up in a British factory still beholden to the arithmetical meat and potatoes of squares and rectangles. |
Thus the Toblerone could spark a discussion on the Swiss chocolatier’s craft and the infinite possibilities open to a fertile mind. From there it’s just a short step to a discussion on Switzerland’s other cultural contributions to the cultural development of western Europe. As well as providing us with the all-too-fleetingly glimpsed Stéphane Chapuisat, the country’s greatest football export who once starred for Borussia Dortmund, Switzerland has also provided us with a conundrum that has foxed academics and geopolitical analysts. How does a country remain neutral while secretly acting as a warehouse for looted Nazi art and the ill-gotten gains of mafia bosses and murderous dictators? Perhaps it’s because Switzerland, like London, refuses to discriminate when profiteering from international criminality. | Thus the Toblerone could spark a discussion on the Swiss chocolatier’s craft and the infinite possibilities open to a fertile mind. From there it’s just a short step to a discussion on Switzerland’s other cultural contributions to the cultural development of western Europe. As well as providing us with the all-too-fleetingly glimpsed Stéphane Chapuisat, the country’s greatest football export who once starred for Borussia Dortmund, Switzerland has also provided us with a conundrum that has foxed academics and geopolitical analysts. How does a country remain neutral while secretly acting as a warehouse for looted Nazi art and the ill-gotten gains of mafia bosses and murderous dictators? Perhaps it’s because Switzerland, like London, refuses to discriminate when profiteering from international criminality. |
From a certain angle, the Toblerone bar can resemble a miniature Egyptian desert of pyramids, the geometrical shape that most perfectly provides us with a model for modern capitalism: billions of grains of sand feeding into giant building segments that narrow to a sharp point occupied by a tiny few. Thus Beattie, a former banker, has thought long and hard about alerting us to the implications of footering about with the age-old and majestic design of the Toblerone. | From a certain angle, the Toblerone bar can resemble a miniature Egyptian desert of pyramids, the geometrical shape that most perfectly provides us with a model for modern capitalism: billions of grains of sand feeding into giant building segments that narrow to a sharp point occupied by a tiny few. Thus Beattie, a former banker, has thought long and hard about alerting us to the implications of footering about with the age-old and majestic design of the Toblerone. |
So, inspired by Beattie’s Toblerone moment I’d encourage our MSPs to deploy their imaginations and look beyond the current and shallow obsession with Brexit, the second referendum on Scottish independence and how many positions in his cabinet Donald Trump will reserve for his supporters in the Ku Klux Klan. | So, inspired by Beattie’s Toblerone moment I’d encourage our MSPs to deploy their imaginations and look beyond the current and shallow obsession with Brexit, the second referendum on Scottish independence and how many positions in his cabinet Donald Trump will reserve for his supporters in the Ku Klux Klan. |
The Buckfast question | The Buckfast question |
As independence for Scotland looks increasingly likely following England’s decision to drag the UK out of Europe, what will become of Scotland’s favourite tonic wine? For years, this robust and popular elixir, brewed by Devon monks, has made life almost bearable in neighbourhoods left untouched by the social democratic reforms of Holyrood and UK governments. Yet Buckfast has become the pet target of politicians from these administrations who would have us believe that it, and not their bankrupt policies, are to blame for antisocial behaviour and feelings of social alienation in some of our most disadvantaged communities. Can we not urge them to keep the price of Buckfast competitive despite onerous cross-border tariffs? | As independence for Scotland looks increasingly likely following England’s decision to drag the UK out of Europe, what will become of Scotland’s favourite tonic wine? For years, this robust and popular elixir, brewed by Devon monks, has made life almost bearable in neighbourhoods left untouched by the social democratic reforms of Holyrood and UK governments. Yet Buckfast has become the pet target of politicians from these administrations who would have us believe that it, and not their bankrupt policies, are to blame for antisocial behaviour and feelings of social alienation in some of our most disadvantaged communities. Can we not urge them to keep the price of Buckfast competitive despite onerous cross-border tariffs? |
The Benson & Hedges question | The Benson & Hedges question |
Everyone knows smoking is bad for you, but just how bad is it? Generations of medical practitioners in a desperate rush to secure funding for cash-strapped research facilities have convinced us that even watching Humphrey Bogart smoking a cigarette in Casablanca can lead to death by passive smoking. Yet the health benefits to people over the age of 65 suffering from stress-related illnesses have been scandalously suppressed. Let’s face it, an OAP who has only started hitting the Bennies in his codgerdom is hardly likely to die from smoking. Yet, after a lifetime of stress and depression, a wee course of tobacco could help calm the nerves and lead to a more laidback and considered approach to life. Whichever way you look at it, it’s a win-win scenario. Those OAPs who have an adverse reaction to cigarettes will die more quickly and help free up hospital beds. | Everyone knows smoking is bad for you, but just how bad is it? Generations of medical practitioners in a desperate rush to secure funding for cash-strapped research facilities have convinced us that even watching Humphrey Bogart smoking a cigarette in Casablanca can lead to death by passive smoking. Yet the health benefits to people over the age of 65 suffering from stress-related illnesses have been scandalously suppressed. Let’s face it, an OAP who has only started hitting the Bennies in his codgerdom is hardly likely to die from smoking. Yet, after a lifetime of stress and depression, a wee course of tobacco could help calm the nerves and lead to a more laidback and considered approach to life. Whichever way you look at it, it’s a win-win scenario. Those OAPs who have an adverse reaction to cigarettes will die more quickly and help free up hospital beds. |
The responsible ATM question | The responsible ATM question |
One of the most welcome developments caused by the rise of the hard right in England has been the proliferation of anti-jaikie devices. Enterprising and socially responsible retail outlets have been laying down spikes outside their premises to discourage dangerous mendicants from biding the night there when the temperature drops. Obviously, such a jolly good idea would never find favour among the mad-eyed Marxists who run Scotland. But here’s an idea that just might resonate with their tendency to state intervention: responsible ATM machines. These would dispense bank notes coated with a special dye and embedded with a special chip that, if they haven’t been used to purchase fruit or vegetables within one hour, will begin to emit a piercing, siren-like wail, thus impelling its owner to jouk over to the fruit and veg counter pronto. | One of the most welcome developments caused by the rise of the hard right in England has been the proliferation of anti-jaikie devices. Enterprising and socially responsible retail outlets have been laying down spikes outside their premises to discourage dangerous mendicants from biding the night there when the temperature drops. Obviously, such a jolly good idea would never find favour among the mad-eyed Marxists who run Scotland. But here’s an idea that just might resonate with their tendency to state intervention: responsible ATM machines. These would dispense bank notes coated with a special dye and embedded with a special chip that, if they haven’t been used to purchase fruit or vegetables within one hour, will begin to emit a piercing, siren-like wail, thus impelling its owner to jouk over to the fruit and veg counter pronto. |
Drastic measures are required to take Scotland, the sick man of Europe, out of the intensive care ward and into the low-dependency units currently occupied by the Scandinavian countries and the Netherlands. There, they can have Toblerones, Buckfast and cigarettes until they are fit enough to go home unaided. | Drastic measures are required to take Scotland, the sick man of Europe, out of the intensive care ward and into the low-dependency units currently occupied by the Scandinavian countries and the Netherlands. There, they can have Toblerones, Buckfast and cigarettes until they are fit enough to go home unaided. |