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| A ‘new’ Pirelli calendar? No, it’s just a retread | |
| (about 2 hours later) | |
| Why do people buy tyres? Well, in my case, it’s usually because an unscrupulous garage has tricked me into thinking I need them. | Why do people buy tyres? Well, in my case, it’s usually because an unscrupulous garage has tricked me into thinking I need them. |
| On one occasion, picking up the car after an MOT, I found the garage had changed all four tyres due to “wear and tear”. | On one occasion, picking up the car after an MOT, I found the garage had changed all four tyres due to “wear and tear”. |
| “Can I look at the tyres you removed?” I asked. | “Can I look at the tyres you removed?” I asked. |
| “Too late,” said the garage man, shaking his head sorrowfully. “They’re in the bin.” | “Too late,” said the garage man, shaking his head sorrowfully. “They’re in the bin.” |
| “Goodness,” I said. “That must be a big bin. Still, we could probably fish them out, couldn’t we? Just to make sure.” | “Goodness,” I said. “That must be a big bin. Still, we could probably fish them out, couldn’t we? Just to make sure.” |
| “No,” said the garage man. “The bin is on the other side of London. At our other branch. They were collected for disposal. And if you went over there, it would be impossible to ascertain which tyres were yours. After all this time.” | “No,” said the garage man. “The bin is on the other side of London. At our other branch. They were collected for disposal. And if you went over there, it would be impossible to ascertain which tyres were yours. After all this time.” |
| It had been about 40 minutes. | It had been about 40 minutes. |
| Anyway, I assume that’s why most people buy tyres. But if I ever got to choose new tyres, I might choose Pirelli. I would certainly buy a brand I’d heard of, because it’s a trust thing, isn’t it? Important safety accessories, tyres. Familiarity breeds confidence. You don’t want some random bit of rubber, fashioned into an oval by fly-by-night newbies trying their hand at tyres for the first time. | Anyway, I assume that’s why most people buy tyres. But if I ever got to choose new tyres, I might choose Pirelli. I would certainly buy a brand I’d heard of, because it’s a trust thing, isn’t it? Important safety accessories, tyres. Familiarity breeds confidence. You don’t want some random bit of rubber, fashioned into an oval by fly-by-night newbies trying their hand at tyres for the first time. |
| I’ve only heard of Pirelli because of the calendars. They’ve been publishing soft-porn calendars since before I was born. Still, familiarity breeds confidence. Their fame is their fortune. At the till, if I didn’t stop to analyse it, my brain would instinctively feel that I was likely to get decent grip and stopping distance out of a tyre because its makers like to photograph the sandy bums of glamour models. | I’ve only heard of Pirelli because of the calendars. They’ve been publishing soft-porn calendars since before I was born. Still, familiarity breeds confidence. Their fame is their fortune. At the till, if I didn’t stop to analyse it, my brain would instinctively feel that I was likely to get decent grip and stopping distance out of a tyre because its makers like to photograph the sandy bums of glamour models. |
| It’s not logical. Perhaps this is why, as newspapers eagerly reported last week, Pirelli is going in a new direction with next year’s calendar: older ladies with their clothes on. | It’s not logical. Perhaps this is why, as newspapers eagerly reported last week, Pirelli is going in a new direction with next year’s calendar: older ladies with their clothes on. |
| The 2017 opus features Robin Wright, 50, Julianne Moore, 55, Charlotte Rampling, 70, and Helen Mirren, 71, in a range of lovely poses. | The 2017 opus features Robin Wright, 50, Julianne Moore, 55, Charlotte Rampling, 70, and Helen Mirren, 71, in a range of lovely poses. |
| What a bunch of survivors! Still working, despite all the obstacles! Giving and giving, every year, for decades. Only getting better as time goes on. That’s what you want in a tyre! | What a bunch of survivors! Still working, despite all the obstacles! Giving and giving, every year, for decades. Only getting better as time goes on. That’s what you want in a tyre! |
| “While tyre shopping,” the makers imply, “have Helen Mirren in your head. Longevity. Strength. Tread.” | “While tyre shopping,” the makers imply, “have Helen Mirren in your head. Longevity. Strength. Tread.” |
| These images having been lauded as “a revolution” and “a strike against sexist imagery”, I’ve been looking back at some old Pirelli calendars to get a sense of how much they’ve changed. The answer is: not as much as you’d think. | These images having been lauded as “a revolution” and “a strike against sexist imagery”, I’ve been looking back at some old Pirelli calendars to get a sense of how much they’ve changed. The answer is: not as much as you’d think. |
| For its first 10 incarnations, from 1963 to 1972, there was no nudity in the Pirelli calendar. There were women in swimsuits and diaphanous kaftans but it wasn’t until 1973 that they showed nipples, which they did again in 1974, and then the whole thing got axed for 10 years due to financial constraints after the Gulf crisis. | For its first 10 incarnations, from 1963 to 1972, there was no nudity in the Pirelli calendar. There were women in swimsuits and diaphanous kaftans but it wasn’t until 1973 that they showed nipples, which they did again in 1974, and then the whole thing got axed for 10 years due to financial constraints after the Gulf crisis. |
| In 1984, the Pirelli calendar roared back into life as full soft porn, absolutely laughable unless you have an erection while looking at it: two girls clinking their buttocks together like wine glasses; a woman dangling one tit over the edge of a hammock; an image (my second favourite in Pirelli history) of three gold bums with tyre tracks running over them. | In 1984, the Pirelli calendar roared back into life as full soft porn, absolutely laughable unless you have an erection while looking at it: two girls clinking their buttocks together like wine glasses; a woman dangling one tit over the edge of a hammock; an image (my second favourite in Pirelli history) of three gold bums with tyre tracks running over them. |
| It’s much the same for the next two years, then the 1987 calendar is a terribly embarrassing affair as Pirelli goes ethnic: topless black women kitted out in turbans, beads, gold armlets and necklets like a sort of rude, black Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. It’s so toe-curling to see these images of porny ethnicity from as recently as 1987, you have to look at them from behind the sofa like when Ed Balls is doing the samba. | It’s much the same for the next two years, then the 1987 calendar is a terribly embarrassing affair as Pirelli goes ethnic: topless black women kitted out in turbans, beads, gold armlets and necklets like a sort of rude, black Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. It’s so toe-curling to see these images of porny ethnicity from as recently as 1987, you have to look at them from behind the sofa like when Ed Balls is doing the samba. |
| The blue calendar has been much as you’d expect ever since, barring special mentions for 1991 (women dressed as sexy warriors; they all look like Adam Ant), 1992 (the models are topless but otherwise dressed as cats and birds on a weird moonscape; it’s like a children’s programme from the 70s) and 1989, which contains my very favourite image from Pirelli history: a woman reclining on a pillow, completely naked bar the ram’s skull pressed against her nether regions. I’d like to think that picture was the result of a competition that asked women to write in with the least sexy thing they could imagine putting near their vagina. The ram’s skull narrowly beat the cactus, the novelty toby jug and the dwarf from Don’t Look Now. | The blue calendar has been much as you’d expect ever since, barring special mentions for 1991 (women dressed as sexy warriors; they all look like Adam Ant), 1992 (the models are topless but otherwise dressed as cats and birds on a weird moonscape; it’s like a children’s programme from the 70s) and 1989, which contains my very favourite image from Pirelli history: a woman reclining on a pillow, completely naked bar the ram’s skull pressed against her nether regions. I’d like to think that picture was the result of a competition that asked women to write in with the least sexy thing they could imagine putting near their vagina. The ram’s skull narrowly beat the cactus, the novelty toby jug and the dwarf from Don’t Look Now. |
| Of course, those pictures were published before ubiquitous internet pornography. One theory for the 2017 Pirelli calendar is that, now, we’re all so inundated by nudity, nothing is more erotic than some people looking thoughtful in jumpers. Maybe a warmly dressed pillar of the acting establishment is as horny as it gets. Maybe pub landlords would do a roaring trade with racks of peanut packets that gradually reveal a tired feminist in an overcoat. | Of course, those pictures were published before ubiquitous internet pornography. One theory for the 2017 Pirelli calendar is that, now, we’re all so inundated by nudity, nothing is more erotic than some people looking thoughtful in jumpers. Maybe a warmly dressed pillar of the acting establishment is as horny as it gets. Maybe pub landlords would do a roaring trade with racks of peanut packets that gradually reveal a tired feminist in an overcoat. |
| But I know that’s not it either. The reason Pirelli has put Helen Mirren and Charlotte Rampling in next year’s calendar is because the newspapers will run excited features about “change” and people will buy Pirelli tyres because they’ve seen the name in the paper. | But I know that’s not it either. The reason Pirelli has put Helen Mirren and Charlotte Rampling in next year’s calendar is because the newspapers will run excited features about “change” and people will buy Pirelli tyres because they’ve seen the name in the paper. |
| It isn’t change at all. It isn’t new, it isn’t different, it isn’t feminist. It’s the same old world of onlookers consuming and judging flat images of women’s bodies: absurdly beautiful women, who are obliged to spend hours on diet and skincare as part of their job, many of whom have been “helped along” by surgery. | It isn’t change at all. It isn’t new, it isn’t different, it isn’t feminist. It’s the same old world of onlookers consuming and judging flat images of women’s bodies: absurdly beautiful women, who are obliged to spend hours on diet and skincare as part of their job, many of whom have been “helped along” by surgery. |
| This calendar isn’t a “strike against sexist imagery”. If they wanted to strike against sexist imagery, they could just have pictures of old castles. But old castles, like the bodies of the models in 1984, wouldn’t get any coverage. | This calendar isn’t a “strike against sexist imagery”. If they wanted to strike against sexist imagery, they could just have pictures of old castles. But old castles, like the bodies of the models in 1984, wouldn’t get any coverage. |
| Victoria Coren Mitchell’s new series, Women Talking About Cars, is on Wednesdays at 6.30pm on Radio 4 | Victoria Coren Mitchell’s new series, Women Talking About Cars, is on Wednesdays at 6.30pm on Radio 4 |