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Talk to the hand: Philip Hammond fends off awkward questions Talk to the hand: Philip Hammond fends off awkward questions
(35 minutes later)
“Can we just start with today’s story that the prime minister prevented you from including a council tax increase in the autumn statement?” Andrew Tyrie, chair of the Treasury select committee, inquired casually. “Can we just start with today’s story that the prime minister prevented you from including a council tax increase in the autumn statement?” Andrew Tyrie, the chair of the Treasury select committee, inquired casually.
Philip ‘Lurch’ Hammond did his best to look shocked. “As with so many stories in the papers there is no truth in it whatsoever...” Philip “Lurch” Hammond did his best to look shocked. “As with so many stories in the papers there is no truth in it whatsoever ... ”
“Really?” said Tyrie.“Really?” said Tyrie.
“The prime minister and I may have had a conversation,” Lurch reluctantly admitted. A conversation in which Lurch had come off second best.“The prime minister and I may have had a conversation,” Lurch reluctantly admitted. A conversation in which Lurch had come off second best.
“Thank you for that,” Tyrie continued breezily. “And thank you for publishing the distributional analysis we have been asking for...” Lurch gulped. When Tyrie thanks you for giving him something, you can be sure you’d have been better off keeping it to yourself. “Can we turn to graph 1(h)?” said Tyrie. “It seems that people in the three lowest income deciles are worse off as a result of your autumn statement. Is that right?” “Thank you for that,” Tyrie continued breezily. “And thank you for publishing the distributional analysis we have been asking for.” Lurch gulped. When Tyrie thanks you for giving him something, you can be sure you’d have been better off keeping it to yourself. “Can we turn to graph 1(h)?” said Tyrie. “It seems that people in the three lowest-income deciles are worse off as a result of your autumn statement. Is that right?”
Lurch fidgeted awkwardly. “I’ve been very mature in giving you this information,” he said pompously. “And I expect the committee to be equally mature in the way it deals with it. The simple matter is that the government was elected on a manifesto to cut welfare and make the poorest people poorer and that’s what we have done.” So much for Theresa standing on the steps of Downing Street whining on about ruling for everyone. It was one thing to help the just about managings, quite another to lift a finger for the not managing at alls. Lurch fidgeted awkwardly. “I’ve been very mature in giving you this information,” he said pompously. “And I expect the committee to be equally mature in the way it deals with it. The simple matter is that the government was elected on a manifesto to cut welfare and make the poorest people poorer and that’s what we have done.”
Next on the agenda was Brexit. What were the chancellor’s views on transitional arrangements? “Every business, regulator, civil servant and thoughtful politician believes they would be generally helpful,” Lurch replied, for the first time in the session looking as if he was enjoying himself. The word thoughtful was said with particular emphasis. He’d got sick of being rubbished by David Davis and Liam Fox for being such a Brexit wimp. Who cared if everyone now knew he thought the pair of them were half-wits? So much for Theresa standing on the steps of Downing Street whining on about ruling for everyone. It was one thing to help the just about managings, quite another to lift a finger for the not managing at alls.
Next on the agenda was Brexit. What were the chancellor’s views on transitional arrangements? “Every business, regulator, civil servant and thoughtful politician believes they would be generally helpful,” Lurch replied, for the first time in the session looking as if he was enjoying himself. The word thoughtful was said with particular emphasis. He’d got sick of being rubbished by David Davis and Liam Fox for being such a Brexit wimp. Who cared if everyone now knew he thought the pair of them were halfwits?
“Can I take it then that transitional objectives will be a key objective in the government’s Brexit negotiations,” said Tyrie.“Can I take it then that transitional objectives will be a key objective in the government’s Brexit negotiations,” said Tyrie.
“Ooh, I don’t think I could go quite that far,” Lurch responded in a disconcertingly coquettish manner.“Ooh, I don’t think I could go quite that far,” Lurch responded in a disconcertingly coquettish manner.
“That sounds like the diplomatic answer of a former foreign secretary,” said Tyrie. “Though not of course the current one.” These days it’s open season on Boris Johnson. Right now, Boris would probably rather be tortured by the Saudis than his own parliamentary colleagues.“That sounds like the diplomatic answer of a former foreign secretary,” said Tyrie. “Though not of course the current one.” These days it’s open season on Boris Johnson. Right now, Boris would probably rather be tortured by the Saudis than his own parliamentary colleagues.
“Thank you for being so positive about Brexit,” declared Conservative Jacob Rees-Mogg. Even Lurch appeared taken aback by that. As far as he could remember he hadn’t said anything remotely upbeat about Brexit. If he had, then it had certainly been a mistake. “I can’t tempt you to say...” “Thank you for being so positive about Brexit,” declared the Conservative Jacob Rees-Mogg. Even Lurch appeared taken aback by that. As far as he could remember he hadn’t said anything remotely upbeat about Brexit. If he had, then it had certainly been a mistake. “I can’t tempt you to say ... ”
“No,” replied Lurch. “You can’t tempt me to say anything.”“No,” replied Lurch. “You can’t tempt me to say anything.”
Thereafter Lurch lapsed into psychedelic passive-aggression by appearing to be thrilled about government policy, only to instantly dismiss it as deranged lunacy made up on a daily basis. Could he explain why the prime minister was insisting the UK was on the verge of becoming a global leader in free trade when the Office for Budget Responsibility had said Britain’s trade intensity would fall for the next ten years? Thereafter Lurch lapsed into psychedelic passive-aggression by appearing to be thrilled about government policy, only to instantly dismiss it as deranged lunacy made up on a daily basis. Could he explain why the prime minister was insisting the UK was on the verge of becoming a global leader in free trade when the Office for Budget Responsibility had said Britain’s trade intensity would fall for the next 10 years?
“Not really,” said Lurch. “These things take time I suppose.” Talk to the hand.“Not really,” said Lurch. “These things take time I suppose.” Talk to the hand.
Labour’s Rachel Reeves was keen to analyse the government’s immigration projections. Lurch had said he didn’t want Britain’s key industries to suffer skills shortfalls and the Office for National Statistics had predicted the government had no chance of getting anywhere near its target of 100,000 per year; so how did he propose to square that circle? Labour’s Rachel Reeves was keen to analyse the government’s immigration projections. Lurch had said he didn’t want Britain’s key industries to suffer skills shortfalls and the Office for National Statistics had predicted the government had no chance of getting anywhere near its net migration target of 100,000 a year; so how did he propose to square that circle?
Lurch shrugged. He didn’t. Talk to the other hand. “We’ll get there in the medium term,” he eventually said, as much to fill the awkward silence as to be helpful.Lurch shrugged. He didn’t. Talk to the other hand. “We’ll get there in the medium term,” he eventually said, as much to fill the awkward silence as to be helpful.
“What’s the medium term?” asked a dogged Reeves.“What’s the medium term?” asked a dogged Reeves.
“When does autumn start and finish?” said Lurch. His minders looked horrified; maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to let the chancellor take a couple of tabs of acid before his select committee appearance.“When does autumn start and finish?” said Lurch. His minders looked horrified; maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to let the chancellor take a couple of tabs of acid before his select committee appearance.
“So medium is..?” “So medium is ... ?”
“Medium is whatever you want it to be.” Man.“Medium is whatever you want it to be.” Man.
Lurch checked through his list. Theresa. Trashed. Boris. Trashed. David and Liam. Trashed. The economy. Trashed. It had been his best panto performance ever. Only not quite so funny for the country as it had been for him.Lurch checked through his list. Theresa. Trashed. Boris. Trashed. David and Liam. Trashed. The economy. Trashed. It had been his best panto performance ever. Only not quite so funny for the country as it had been for him.