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| Theresa May feels the love from her cabinet after unhappy Eurotrip | Theresa May feels the love from her cabinet after unhappy Eurotrip |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| As away days go, Theresa May’s trip to the European council last week was right down there. The other EU leaders were either ignoring her or laughing in her face. Instead of getting an invitation to the evening’s dinner, the prime minister found herself picking at a cold Unhappy Meal on the Eurostar on the way back to London. Even the Maybot has feelings and it had taken intensive work with her therapist to persuade her to come to the Commons to give a statement on her abject failure. | |
| “Try to reframe the experience,” her shrink had said. “I know it felt like your first day in the school playground when nobody spoke to you, but there’s no need for such a primal regression. It wasn’t that everyone else thought you were a total loser, it’s just that they were too shy to talk to someone with your charisma. And if it’s any consolation, your cuffs did look fantastic after you spent 10 minutes anxiously fiddling with them.” | “Try to reframe the experience,” her shrink had said. “I know it felt like your first day in the school playground when nobody spoke to you, but there’s no need for such a primal regression. It wasn’t that everyone else thought you were a total loser, it’s just that they were too shy to talk to someone with your charisma. And if it’s any consolation, your cuffs did look fantastic after you spent 10 minutes anxiously fiddling with them.” |
| The Maybot had only been slightly reassured by her therapist’s intervention and was still in an extremely delicate state as the clock ticked round to 3.30pm on Monday afternoon. So to make sure she did not back out, all the senior members of her cabinet – Boris Johnson, Philip Hammond, Amber Rudd, Michael Fallon and David Davis – were drafted in to sit next to her. Seldom has so much moral support made a prime minister appear quite so vulnerable. | |
| “The main focus of the EU council was about how we could all work together,” the Maybot began. Which wasn’t necessarily the way the other 27 EU leaders had remembered it, but she was fairly sure that none of them were in London to contradict her. If they had not been bothered to talk to her when they were in the same room, there was little chance of them following her back to London. | “The main focus of the EU council was about how we could all work together,” the Maybot began. Which wasn’t necessarily the way the other 27 EU leaders had remembered it, but she was fairly sure that none of them were in London to contradict her. If they had not been bothered to talk to her when they were in the same room, there was little chance of them following her back to London. |
| Nato. Syria. Holidays in Cyprus. The Maybot scratched her head. She was sure there was something else she had mentioned in the five minutes she had been given while half the room had nipped out for a comfort break, but she couldn’t think for the life of her what. Then it came to her: Brexit. “I reassured them all we were looking forward to a smooth and mature Brexit.” She didn’t care to add that the Polish prime minister had joked about whether this smooth “hot tub” Brexit was the same as a red, white and blue Brexit. | Nato. Syria. Holidays in Cyprus. The Maybot scratched her head. She was sure there was something else she had mentioned in the five minutes she had been given while half the room had nipped out for a comfort break, but she couldn’t think for the life of her what. Then it came to her: Brexit. “I reassured them all we were looking forward to a smooth and mature Brexit.” She didn’t care to add that the Polish prime minister had joked about whether this smooth “hot tub” Brexit was the same as a red, white and blue Brexit. |
| Jeremy Corbyn was not too bothered by the imaginary conversations the Maybot had had about Nato and was keen to press her further on Brexit. How had she managed to become so isolated in Europe? Why was her government in such a shambolic mess? Why did one cabinet minister keep promising one thing only for the others to promise something else? Could she promise Britain wouldn’t be liable for a £50bn bar bill on leaving the EU? And when would she be presenting her Brexit plan to the parliament? | Jeremy Corbyn was not too bothered by the imaginary conversations the Maybot had had about Nato and was keen to press her further on Brexit. How had she managed to become so isolated in Europe? Why was her government in such a shambolic mess? Why did one cabinet minister keep promising one thing only for the others to promise something else? Could she promise Britain wouldn’t be liable for a £50bn bar bill on leaving the EU? And when would she be presenting her Brexit plan to the parliament? |
| The Maybot dabbed her eyes. Isolation had always been one of her key sobbing trigger words in therapy. “I’m – we’re – not isolated,” she said, hastily correcting herself. “We may be leaving the group but everyone basically adores us and wants to carry on being friends.” BFFs. What she had always craved. She managed to forget to mention the £50bn. Just as well, probably. | The Maybot dabbed her eyes. Isolation had always been one of her key sobbing trigger words in therapy. “I’m – we’re – not isolated,” she said, hastily correcting herself. “We may be leaving the group but everyone basically adores us and wants to carry on being friends.” BFFs. What she had always craved. She managed to forget to mention the £50bn. Just as well, probably. |
| With the opening exchanges over, the Maybot began to relax a little, as all the Brexiteer backbenchers who had been press-ganged into turning up expressed their undying admiration for her genius in choosing not to have a negotiating position for leaving the EU. | With the opening exchanges over, the Maybot began to relax a little, as all the Brexiteer backbenchers who had been press-ganged into turning up expressed their undying admiration for her genius in choosing not to have a negotiating position for leaving the EU. |
| Iain Duncan Smith declared that anyone who wanted to know what the hell was going on was being unpatriotic. Peter Lilley was insistent that every day we stayed in the EU was another day when £250m wouldn’t be going into the NHS. Boris was about to correct him that the real figure was £350m before remembering neither figure was accurate. | Iain Duncan Smith declared that anyone who wanted to know what the hell was going on was being unpatriotic. Peter Lilley was insistent that every day we stayed in the EU was another day when £250m wouldn’t be going into the NHS. Boris was about to correct him that the real figure was £350m before remembering neither figure was accurate. |
| The Maybot began to relax. The session hadn’t been as traumatic as she had feared. She may have been taken apart by the opposition benches but she had felt some lurve from her own side. It wasn’t real lurve, she knew that. But when you’re desperate, any lurve will do. | The Maybot began to relax. The session hadn’t been as traumatic as she had feared. She may have been taken apart by the opposition benches but she had felt some lurve from her own side. It wasn’t real lurve, she knew that. But when you’re desperate, any lurve will do. |