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'Have you seen the idiots we’re up against?' - the year in politics digested 'Have you seen the idiots we’re up against?' - the year in politics digested 'Have you seen the idiots we’re up against?' - the year in politics digested
(about 1 hour later)
January – AprilJanuary – April
George Osborne So how are the EU negotiations going, Dave?George Osborne So how are the EU negotiations going, Dave?
David Cameron Absolutely tip-top. The first part of the negotiations have been negotiated. There will be some further negotiations in February that may or may not be negotiated and, if they aren’t, the negotiations will be concluded at some unspecified later date. But I can promise you that whether I manage to renegotiate the one tricky bit of my negotiations or not, the negotiations will have been successful.David Cameron Absolutely tip-top. The first part of the negotiations have been negotiated. There will be some further negotiations in February that may or may not be negotiated and, if they aren’t, the negotiations will be concluded at some unspecified later date. But I can promise you that whether I manage to renegotiate the one tricky bit of my negotiations or not, the negotiations will have been successful.
Osborne Are you sure we’re going to win this referendum?Osborne Are you sure we’re going to win this referendum?
Cameron Have you seen the idiots we’re up against? Michael Gove, Chris Grayling, Nigel Farage, IDS ... We can’t fail.Cameron Have you seen the idiots we’re up against? Michael Gove, Chris Grayling, Nigel Farage, IDS ... We can’t fail.
Osborne What about Boris?Osborne What about Boris?
Cameron He’s 100% behind me.Cameron He’s 100% behind me.
Boris Johnson Actually, I’m having trouble with my conscience.Boris Johnson Actually, I’m having trouble with my conscience.
Cameron Don’t be silly. You haven’t got one.Cameron Don’t be silly. You haven’t got one.
Johnson Thing is, Dave, I was playing tennis over the weekend and Govey pointed out I’d never become prime minister if I backed remain as then I’d always be behind Osbo in the pecking order. But if I lead the leave campaign to a close second, then I’d be first in line when you step down in 2019. You are still going in 2019, aren’t you?Johnson Thing is, Dave, I was playing tennis over the weekend and Govey pointed out I’d never become prime minister if I backed remain as then I’d always be behind Osbo in the pecking order. But if I lead the leave campaign to a close second, then I’d be first in line when you step down in 2019. You are still going in 2019, aren’t you?
Cameron So having spent the last six months telling everyone Britain would be better off staying in the EU, you’re now saying you’ve changed your mind.Cameron So having spent the last six months telling everyone Britain would be better off staying in the EU, you’re now saying you’ve changed your mind.
Johnson That’s being a little harsh. But, basically, yes.Johnson That’s being a little harsh. But, basically, yes.
Ken Livingstone Hitler.Ken Livingstone Hitler.
Jeremy Corbyn The Labour party is completely clear about the EU. We think it’s all a bit of a mess.Jeremy Corbyn The Labour party is completely clear about the EU. We think it’s all a bit of a mess.
The Labour party No, we don’t. We’re fully behind it. It’s just you that has got a problem with it.The Labour party No, we don’t. We’re fully behind it. It’s just you that has got a problem with it.
Corbyn OK, OK. Maybe the EU isn’t all that bad. Let’s just say that I’m about 70/30 in favour of staying in.Corbyn OK, OK. Maybe the EU isn’t all that bad. Let’s just say that I’m about 70/30 in favour of staying in.
Cameron Well, that’s not a great help. I’m relying on you to get the Labour remain vote out and you’re basically telling them not to bother.Cameron Well, that’s not a great help. I’m relying on you to get the Labour remain vote out and you’re basically telling them not to bother.
Corbyn I might be able to stretch to 69/31 at a push ...Corbyn I might be able to stretch to 69/31 at a push ...
Cameron Don’t put yourself out. And while you’re about it, do up your tie, polish your shoes and buy yourself a decent suit.Cameron Don’t put yourself out. And while you’re about it, do up your tie, polish your shoes and buy yourself a decent suit.
Osborne Don’t worry, Dave. I’ve got our EU strategy sorted. We’re going to go with Project Fear. We’ll just tell everyone they will end up broke and die in agony if we leave the EU. That should do it.Osborne Don’t worry, Dave. I’ve got our EU strategy sorted. We’re going to go with Project Fear. We’ll just tell everyone they will end up broke and die in agony if we leave the EU. That should do it.
Cameron You’re a genius. Where do we start?Cameron You’re a genius. Where do we start?
Osborne With my budget. It turns out I’ve been getting my sums wrong for the past six years and we’re all a lot worse off than we thought we were going to be.Osborne With my budget. It turns out I’ve been getting my sums wrong for the past six years and we’re all a lot worse off than we thought we were going to be.
Cameron So we’re screwed if we stay in the EU ...Cameron So we’re screwed if we stay in the EU ...
Osborne And even more screwed if we leave the EU.Osborne And even more screwed if we leave the EU.
Cameron That’s not necessarily going to be the easiest sell.Cameron That’s not necessarily going to be the easiest sell.
Osborne Have you got a better plan?Osborne Have you got a better plan?
Cameron No.Cameron No.
Osborne Well, then. And, while I’ve got you, how are you going to explain your appearance in the Panama Papers?Osborne Well, then. And, while I’ve got you, how are you going to explain your appearance in the Panama Papers?
Cameron Oh, not you, too. I’ve had the Labour party going on about that as well. Look, it was just a bit of light, recreational, weekend tax avoidance. It was no biggy.Cameron Oh, not you, too. I’ve had the Labour party going on about that as well. Look, it was just a bit of light, recreational, weekend tax avoidance. It was no biggy.
Livingstone Hitler.Livingstone Hitler.
Johnson Bonjour, Dartford. We need to escape the demented bureaucrats forcing us to under pouvoir notres vacuum cleaneurs! Are there downsides to leaving the EU? Absolument non. It is aussi clear as jour. The Frogs and the Krauts will still be gagging for all our clobber and we can have our gateau and eat it.Johnson Bonjour, Dartford. We need to escape the demented bureaucrats forcing us to under pouvoir notres vacuum cleaneurs! Are there downsides to leaving the EU? Absolument non. It is aussi clear as jour. The Frogs and the Krauts will still be gagging for all our clobber and we can have our gateau and eat it.
48% If it was as clear as all that, why did it take you so long to make up your mind which side of the referendum campaign you were on?48% If it was as clear as all that, why did it take you so long to make up your mind which side of the referendum campaign you were on?
Johnson Don’t be such a gloomadon popper. Just look at this bus. £350m. That’s what we give to the EU every week and that’s what we’re going to give to the NHS instead.Johnson Don’t be such a gloomadon popper. Just look at this bus. £350m. That’s what we give to the EU every week and that’s what we’re going to give to the NHS instead.
Treasury select committee That’s just not true, is it, Boris. You haven’t taken into account the rebates we get or the ongoing subsidies we will have to make to farmers and the regions.Treasury select committee That’s just not true, is it, Boris. You haven’t taken into account the rebates we get or the ongoing subsidies we will have to make to farmers and the regions.
Johnson Well, it’s near enough true.Johnson Well, it’s near enough true.
Treasury select committee As in a complete lie. And while you’re here, perhaps you could explain what kind of deal you want Britain to negotiate with the EU. Swedish, Canadian or Norwegian? One day you say one thing, the next another. You’re entirely inconsistent.Treasury select committee As in a complete lie. And while you’re here, perhaps you could explain what kind of deal you want Britain to negotiate with the EU. Swedish, Canadian or Norwegian? One day you say one thing, the next another. You’re entirely inconsistent.
Johnson That’s not fair. I’m entirely consistent in my inconsistency. We’re going to take back control.Johnson That’s not fair. I’m entirely consistent in my inconsistency. We’re going to take back control.
Gove Goveland is a land of freedom, a land of hope and glory. A land other nations shall admire from afar. A land that will be just about perfect because we can choose which foreigners we want and which ones we don’t. A land a bit like Australia, only not quite so hot. Or large. Or so far away. A land a bit like Switzerland, only not quite so cold. Or mountainous. Or in the middle of Europe. A land unlike any other land. A vote to leave is not just a vote to liberate a country; it is a vote to liberate the entire world. Rise up! You have nothing to lose but your MEP! My name is Goveymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.Gove Goveland is a land of freedom, a land of hope and glory. A land other nations shall admire from afar. A land that will be just about perfect because we can choose which foreigners we want and which ones we don’t. A land a bit like Australia, only not quite so hot. Or large. Or so far away. A land a bit like Switzerland, only not quite so cold. Or mountainous. Or in the middle of Europe. A land unlike any other land. A vote to leave is not just a vote to liberate a country; it is a vote to liberate the entire world. Rise up! You have nothing to lose but your MEP! My name is Goveymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
Nigel Farage The pints are on me. The country is being overrun with immigrants.Nigel Farage The pints are on me. The country is being overrun with immigrants.
Cameron We’re struggling to get our message across. I need some help, Theresa.Cameron We’re struggling to get our message across. I need some help, Theresa.
Theresa May I’m sorry, I’ve got an ingrowing toenail.Theresa May I’m sorry, I’ve got an ingrowing toenail.
Cameron You’ve got to do better than that.Cameron You’ve got to do better than that.
May How about I say the EU isn’t quite the worst thing in the world? Will that do?May How about I say the EU isn’t quite the worst thing in the world? Will that do?
Cameron Looks like it will have to.Cameron Looks like it will have to.
Livingstone Hitler.Livingstone Hitler.
May – JuneMay – June
Zac Goldsmith Sadiq is almost certainly a member of Isis.Zac Goldsmith Sadiq is almost certainly a member of Isis.
Sadiq Khan I know I once said I was a supporter of Jeremy Corbyn, but I’m not really. I’m actually a Labour moderate. I love London, me. Did I ever mention the fact that my dad was a bus driver?Sadiq Khan I know I once said I was a supporter of Jeremy Corbyn, but I’m not really. I’m actually a Labour moderate. I love London, me. Did I ever mention the fact that my dad was a bus driver?
London You did, but you can be our mayor as long as you stop going on and on about it.London You did, but you can be our mayor as long as you stop going on and on about it.
Corbyn Who would have believed it? A Labour candidate just got elected.Corbyn Who would have believed it? A Labour candidate just got elected.
Sky Welcome to the first TV referendum debate in which David Cameron and Michael Gove won’t actually debate anything as they are appearing on different nights because the prime minister is too much of a pussy. Prime minister, I put it to you that you’ve basically failed at everything.Sky Welcome to the first TV referendum debate in which David Cameron and Michael Gove won’t actually debate anything as they are appearing on different nights because the prime minister is too much of a pussy. Prime minister, I put it to you that you’ve basically failed at everything.
Cameron Harsh but true.Cameron Harsh but true.
Sky If you lose, what will you do.Sky If you lose, what will you do.
Cameron I will respect the mandate and remain prime minister to implement the will of the people.Cameron I will respect the mandate and remain prime minister to implement the will of the people.
Sky Mr Gove. All the experts say that the leave campaign has basically just made facts up as they go along and that everything you say is just a total lie.Sky Mr Gove. All the experts say that the leave campaign has basically just made facts up as they go along and that everything you say is just a total lie.
Gove Experts! Who needs experts? Experts always get everything wrong. Doctors and scientists are all idiots.Gove Experts! Who needs experts? Experts always get everything wrong. Doctors and scientists are all idiots.
52 per cent We agree with Mikey. We’re sick and tired of experts. And even if they’re right, we still don’t care because we don’t want to be bossed around by Westminster any more.52 per cent We agree with Mikey. We’re sick and tired of experts. And even if they’re right, we still don’t care because we don’t want to be bossed around by Westminster any more.
Farage Quite right. The country has been run by posh boys like me, Mikey and Boris for far too long. I say let’s take back control and stop all foreigners coming into the country.Farage Quite right. The country has been run by posh boys like me, Mikey and Boris for far too long. I say let’s take back control and stop all foreigners coming into the country.
Opinion polls We can confirm that our exit polls suggest Britain has narrowly voted to remain in the EU.Opinion polls We can confirm that our exit polls suggest Britain has narrowly voted to remain in the EU.
Farage Oh bollocks. But who cares, because losing is just the same as winning for the leave campaign as we’ll have to have another referendum sooner rather than later.Farage Oh bollocks. But who cares, because losing is just the same as winning for the leave campaign as we’ll have to have another referendum sooner rather than later.
BBC Actually, it’s looking like Vote Leave has won.BBC Actually, it’s looking like Vote Leave has won.
Farage Scrub the idea of a second referendum just because the vote was tight. Britain has voted by the enormous margin of 52-48% to leave and we are now officially independent. Now I’m off to get even more pissed.Farage Scrub the idea of a second referendum just because the vote was tight. Britain has voted by the enormous margin of 52-48% to leave and we are now officially independent. Now I’m off to get even more pissed.
Cameron It is my solemn duty to tell you that I will be stepping down as prime minister.Cameron It is my solemn duty to tell you that I will be stepping down as prime minister.
Everyone But you said you were going to remain as PM.Everyone But you said you were going to remain as PM.
Cameron So what? I’ve change my mind. I just can’t be arsed after all.Cameron So what? I’ve change my mind. I just can’t be arsed after all.
Gove Bloody hell, Boris, we’ve actually gone and won. What do we do now?Gove Bloody hell, Boris, we’ve actually gone and won. What do we do now?
Johnson Don’t ask me. I only agreed to back Vote Leave on the condition we weren’t going to win.Johnson Don’t ask me. I only agreed to back Vote Leave on the condition we weren’t going to win.
Everyone What are you going to do next?Everyone What are you going to do next?
Gove As someone who has just come down off a bad acid trip only to discover I have murdered my best friend, I am going to take the weekend off to recover.Gove As someone who has just come down off a bad acid trip only to discover I have murdered my best friend, I am going to take the weekend off to recover.
Johnson And I’m off to play a game of cricket. I’ll speak to you all next week.Johnson And I’m off to play a game of cricket. I’ll speak to you all next week.
Everyone Thanks for nothing, guys.Everyone Thanks for nothing, guys.
Johnson I suppose this means I’d better stand to be the next prime minister. You will support me, Govey, won’t you?Johnson I suppose this means I’d better stand to be the next prime minister. You will support me, Govey, won’t you?
Gove Absolutely. Wild horses couldn’t stop me.Gove Absolutely. Wild horses couldn’t stop me.
May I knew appearing totally luke-warm about the EU was a good move. So, I’m also going to stand to be prime minister.May I knew appearing totally luke-warm about the EU was a good move. So, I’m also going to stand to be prime minister.
Liam Fox I also want to be prime minister.Liam Fox I also want to be prime minister.
Everyone Wasn’t he the idiot who had to resign as a minister after being caught taking his friend away with him on government business?Everyone Wasn’t he the idiot who had to resign as a minister after being caught taking his friend away with him on government business?
Stephen Crabb I also want to be PM.Stephen Crabb I also want to be PM.
Everyone Wasn’t he the sexter?Everyone Wasn’t he the sexter?
Andrea Leadsom I also want to be prime minister.Andrea Leadsom I also want to be prime minister.
Everyone Who the hell are you?Everyone Who the hell are you?
Leadsom I’m a mother with a made-up CV. And I’m a mother.Leadsom I’m a mother with a made-up CV. And I’m a mother.
Jacob Rees-Mogg I think Boris Johnson is just the person the country needs as its leader.Jacob Rees-Mogg I think Boris Johnson is just the person the country needs as its leader.
Gove Actually, I’ve change my mind, Boris. I want to be PM as well.Gove Actually, I’ve change my mind, Boris. I want to be PM as well.
Johnson You complete and utter bastard. Now I’m going to have to stand down. Not only have you made me take Britain out of the EU but worse still you’ve stopped me from becoming PM.Johnson You complete and utter bastard. Now I’m going to have to stand down. Not only have you made me take Britain out of the EU but worse still you’ve stopped me from becoming PM.
Rees-Mogg I think Michael Gove is just the person the country needs as its leader.Rees-Mogg I think Michael Gove is just the person the country needs as its leader.
Tories Crabb and Fox are nobodies. Gove can’t be trusted not to stab himself in the back. So that leaves the hopeless Leadsom versus the barely competent Theresa.Tories Crabb and Fox are nobodies. Gove can’t be trusted not to stab himself in the back. So that leaves the hopeless Leadsom versus the barely competent Theresa.
Rees-Mogg I think Andrea Leadsom is just the person the country needs as its leader.Rees-Mogg I think Andrea Leadsom is just the person the country needs as its leader.
Leadsom As a mother with a fictitious CV I have decided that as a mother I’m not up to the job of running the country.Leadsom As a mother with a fictitious CV I have decided that as a mother I’m not up to the job of running the country.
May I win! Help me someone. What do I do next?May I win! Help me someone. What do I do next?
May’s advisers Put all your opponents in the big jobs. Make Boris foreign secretary, David Davis minister for Brexit and give Fox international trade. Either way you win. If they mess things up, as they almost certainly will, then they’ll get the blame. And if they by some minute chance make a success of it, then you’ll get the credit.May’s advisers Put all your opponents in the big jobs. Make Boris foreign secretary, David Davis minister for Brexit and give Fox international trade. Either way you win. If they mess things up, as they almost certainly will, then they’ll get the blame. And if they by some minute chance make a success of it, then you’ll get the credit.
Britain Thanks for nothing.Britain Thanks for nothing.
Farage I’m resigning as leader of Ukip.Farage I’m resigning as leader of Ukip.
Britain Thank God for small mercies.Britain Thank God for small mercies.
Farage I was only kidding!Farage I was only kidding!
Livingstone Hitler.Livingstone Hitler.
July – DecemberJuly – December
Labour I suppose we should get a new leader as well.Labour I suppose we should get a new leader as well.
Corbyn I have the backing of 300,000 party members.Corbyn I have the backing of 300,000 party members.
Labour But the rest of the country thinks you’re unelectable.Labour But the rest of the country thinks you’re unelectable.
Corbyn What’s that got to do with anything?Corbyn What’s that got to do with anything?
Labour Some of us quite like the thought of winning a general election.Labour Some of us quite like the thought of winning a general election.
Corbyn That’s such old-fashioned politics.Corbyn That’s such old-fashioned politics.
Labour front bench We’re all resigning.Labour front bench We’re all resigning.
Corbyn See if I care.Corbyn See if I care.
Owen Smith Well, if no one else will, then I’m going to stand against you.Owen Smith Well, if no one else will, then I’m going to stand against you.
Corbyn Who are you?Corbyn Who are you?
Smith The futile gesture.Smith The futile gesture.
Corbyn I win again.Corbyn I win again.
Labour Well, that’s the 2020 election lost.Labour Well, that’s the 2020 election lost.
Livingstone Hitler.Livingstone Hitler.
May I’m taking this Brexit thing very seriously. The people have spoken.May I’m taking this Brexit thing very seriously. The people have spoken.
Everyone What does Brexit mean?Everyone What does Brexit mean?
May Brexit means Brexit.May Brexit means Brexit.
Everyone Can you help us out a little more?Everyone Can you help us out a little more?
May I’m not going to give a running commentary on this. I’ve told you that Brexit means Brexit and I can’t be any clearer than that.May I’m not going to give a running commentary on this. I’ve told you that Brexit means Brexit and I can’t be any clearer than that.
Everyone Oh God. She’s just as clueless as everyone else.Everyone Oh God. She’s just as clueless as everyone else.
Labour Let’s start with something a bit easier to help you out. How about telling us a bit of the plan? Brexit soft or hard?Labour Let’s start with something a bit easier to help you out. How about telling us a bit of the plan? Brexit soft or hard?
May Brexit means Brexit. I will trigger article 50 before the end of March next year and after that it’s fingers crossed.May Brexit means Brexit. I will trigger article 50 before the end of March next year and after that it’s fingers crossed.
The judiciary Actually, we think parliament ought to be involved in the process of triggering article 50.The judiciary Actually, we think parliament ought to be involved in the process of triggering article 50.
May The judges are the enemies of the people. We didn’t take back control from the unelected Brussels bureaucrats only to give the British parliament a say in the country’s future.May The judges are the enemies of the people. We didn’t take back control from the unelected Brussels bureaucrats only to give the British parliament a say in the country’s future.
Philip Hammond I’ve been looking at the sums. We’re really going to be in the shit if we leave the single market and the customs union.Philip Hammond I’ve been looking at the sums. We’re really going to be in the shit if we leave the single market and the customs union.
May Since when did I ask for your opinion? Here’s the deal. I am now going for a red, white and blue Brexit.May Since when did I ask for your opinion? Here’s the deal. I am now going for a red, white and blue Brexit.
Everyone We’re becoming French?Everyone We’re becoming French?
May I have a plan, which is my plan, which is to negotiate for the best deal for Britain, and the best deal for Britain will just happen to be the one I end up having negotiated.May I have a plan, which is my plan, which is to negotiate for the best deal for Britain, and the best deal for Britain will just happen to be the one I end up having negotiated.
Hammond No one will believe that.Hammond No one will believe that.
May I know. Tell me some good news.May I know. Tell me some good news.
Hammond Donald Trump has just been elected president of the US.Hammond Donald Trump has just been elected president of the US.
May Aaagh.May Aaagh.
Hammond And he wants Nigel Farage to be the UK ambassador in Washington.Hammond And he wants Nigel Farage to be the UK ambassador in Washington.
May Aaaaaaagh. The next thing you’ll be telling me is that Boris has managed to insult the Saudis.May Aaaaaaagh. The next thing you’ll be telling me is that Boris has managed to insult the Saudis.
Johnson As it happens …Johnson As it happens …
Livingstone Hitler.Livingstone Hitler.