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| Losing a wife: How to heal after a partner's death | Losing a wife: How to heal after a partner's death |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| As former footballer Rio Ferdinand reveals he is yet to "grieve properly" for his wife, who died in 2015, three men share their experiences of losing a partner. The football star's comments come ahead of a new BBC documentary about parents who lose their partners, after his wife Rebecca Ellison died of breast cancer, aged 34. | |
| The ex-Manchester United player's words rang true with Stephen Short, whose wife died of breast cancer, aged 43, in August 2016. | The ex-Manchester United player's words rang true with Stephen Short, whose wife died of breast cancer, aged 43, in August 2016. |
| He also feels he is yet to grieve properly. | He also feels he is yet to grieve properly. |
| "I basically spent three months caring for my wife full time and then the day after I lost her, I was thrown into organising the funeral and dealing with all the vast amounts of paperwork," the aerospace engineer explains. | "I basically spent three months caring for my wife full time and then the day after I lost her, I was thrown into organising the funeral and dealing with all the vast amounts of paperwork," the aerospace engineer explains. |
| "It was, and still is, overwhelming. You're not given time to reflect on what happened." | "It was, and still is, overwhelming. You're not given time to reflect on what happened." |
| Stephen, who is living in Berlin, is now getting support through therapy which "helps", but he says it will take a while to get his energy levels back. | Stephen, who is living in Berlin, is now getting support through therapy which "helps", but he says it will take a while to get his energy levels back. |
| His advice to others? | His advice to others? |
| "Take any help you can and don't be afraid to ask for it. Don't try and do everything yourself." | "Take any help you can and don't be afraid to ask for it. Don't try and do everything yourself." |
| Rob Patchett, from Cambridge, lost his wife Deborah, who was 42, to cancer in 2010. His daughters were six and 11 at the time. | |
| "I just couldn't afford to fall apart or my children would suffer," he says. "I was amazed how I could put my grief in a box to open later, simply because I had two girls to bring up." | "I just couldn't afford to fall apart or my children would suffer," he says. "I was amazed how I could put my grief in a box to open later, simply because I had two girls to bring up." |
| Rob says it took a year or two before he was able to "fully process" his wife's death. | Rob says it took a year or two before he was able to "fully process" his wife's death. |
| "What helped was realising there wasn't a set way of working through it. Just doing it myself allowed me to move on when I was ready." | "What helped was realising there wasn't a set way of working through it. Just doing it myself allowed me to move on when I was ready." |
| Rob admits it was the wives of his friends who he spoke to rather than the men, who didn't always "know how to approach it". | Rob admits it was the wives of his friends who he spoke to rather than the men, who didn't always "know how to approach it". |
| "Talk to somebody," he says, "but if you think you are coping, don't feel bad about not breaking down and being strong." | "Talk to somebody," he says, "but if you think you are coping, don't feel bad about not breaking down and being strong." |
| Tips for parents: | Tips for parents: |
| By Dr Shelley Gilbert MBE, founder and president of Grief Encounter | By Dr Shelley Gilbert MBE, founder and president of Grief Encounter |
| For Paul Graves, from Luton, family is what has got him through the last seven months. | For Paul Graves, from Luton, family is what has got him through the last seven months. |
| "My wife passed away in July 2016, the day before my 53rd birthday, after a very short period of illness," he says. | "My wife passed away in July 2016, the day before my 53rd birthday, after a very short period of illness," he says. |
| "While we had no children of our own, it has been family that has seen me through this, with massive support from my parents and our two step-daughters. We were all just there for each other." | "While we had no children of our own, it has been family that has seen me through this, with massive support from my parents and our two step-daughters. We were all just there for each other." |
| He and his wife, who was 63, had been married for almost 20 years. | He and his wife, who was 63, had been married for almost 20 years. |
| Paul says he threw himself back into his job at a bank "to be occupied" and avoid being home alone. | Paul says he threw himself back into his job at a bank "to be occupied" and avoid being home alone. |
| "The sympathy I got from friends - I found that more difficult. It made me more upset and emotional. It was kindness, but that actually hit the buttons more than anything else," he explains. | "The sympathy I got from friends - I found that more difficult. It made me more upset and emotional. It was kindness, but that actually hit the buttons more than anything else," he explains. |
| "Missing the person and grief I see as two separate things, and I've not had the grief yet." | "Missing the person and grief I see as two separate things, and I've not had the grief yet." |
| What support is available? | What support is available? |