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Welcome to the Chevening hotel, open government at its best Welcome to the Chevening hotel, open government at its best
(35 minutes later)
MondayMonday
I’ve never been as good at maths as I would like to have been. As some may have gathered from a recent digested read, I even found the Ladybird Book of Quantum Mechanics to be mostly unintelligible. Sentences such as “quantum superpositions exist only at the atomic scale and leak away in a process called decoherence that occurs when a tiny isolated quantum system is forced into contact with its surroundings” defeated me on repeated readings. But I can count. So if anyone can explain why the clocks go back on the last Sunday of October but only go forward again on the last Sunday of March, I would be very grateful. By my reckoning, there are just over 50 days between the last Sunday in October and the winter solstice, and we are now just over 50 days past it. So why can’t we put the clocks forward in the middle of February? For those of us – and we are many – whose mood is ground even lower by the long winter evenings, an extra hour of daylight would make February just that bit more bearable. I’ve never been as good at maths as I would have liked. As some may have gathered from a recent digested read, I even found the Ladybird Book of Quantum Mechanics to be mostly unintelligible. Sentences such as “quantum superpositions exist only at the atomic scale and leak away in a process called decoherence that occurs when a tiny isolated quantum system is forced into contact with its surroundings” defeated me on repeated readings. But I can count. So if anyone can explain why the clocks go back on the last Sunday of October but only go forward again on the last Sunday of March, I would be very grateful. By my reckoning, there are just over 50 days between the last Sunday in October and the winter solstice, and we are now just over 50 days past it. So why can’t we put the clocks forward in the middle of February? For those of us – and we are many – whose mood is ground even lower by the long winter evenings, an extra hour of daylight would make February just that bit more bearable.
TuesdayTuesday
Boris Johnson may have won the main bragging rights for Chevening, but the foreign secretary can’t be too pleased he is still obliged to give David Davis and Liam Fox access to his weekend retreat. It would have saved everyone a lot of time, squabbling and money if Britain was to turn Chevening into a country house hotel with Boris and Co as one of its featured attractions. If Donald Trump can turn his Mar-a-Lago resort into a winter White House, then surely we can do the same thing in reverse? Imagine the possibilities if we were to make the Kent mansion the centre for both the Brexit negotiations and the Trump visit. Wedding parties could pose for photographs with The Donald and pass on tips about national security over complimentary glasses of champagne. Chevening gold card members could discuss the common fisheries policy with Boris over relaxing spa treatments. Platinum card members could actually sit in on proceedings and negotiate their own private trade deals with the EU. Open and transparent government at its best. Boris Johnson might have won the main bragging rights for Chevening, but the foreign secretary can’t be too pleased that he is still obliged to give David Davis and Liam Fox access to his weekend retreat. It would have saved everyone a lot of time, squabbling and money if Britain had turned Chevening into a country house hotel with Boris and Co as one of its featured attractions. If Donald Trump can transform his Mar-a-Lago resort into a winter White House, then surely we can do the same thing in reverse? Imagine the possibilities if we were to make the Kent mansion the centre for the Brexit negotiations and Trump visit. Wedding parties could pose for photographs with The Donald and pass onnational security tips over complimentary glasses of champagne. Chevening gold card members could discuss the common fisheries policy with Boris over relaxing spa treatments. Platinum card members could sit in on proceedings and negotiate their own private trade deals with the EU. Open and transparent government at its best.
WednesdayWednesday
Paul Nuttall’s website is temporarily down as it turns out his CV might not be all that it first appeared. The Ukip leader didn’t lose close friends and relatives in the Hillsborough disaster. Nor did he play professional football for Tranmere Rovers. Nor has he got a Phd. Thank God the Guardian never bothered to check the details of my own CV, otherwise they might have discovered I wasn’t the youngest player to play at Wembley when I scored the goal that clinched the double for Spurs in the 1961 FA Cup final at the age of four. Nor am I a fellow of All Souls. CVs have always been targets for embellishment but in an era when almost everything is instantly verifiable, it generally pays to keep your embellishments to the “I’m a great team player with a strong work ethic” variety. But maybe I’m just being a bit old-fashioned. Maybe a CV is now just another negotiable alternative fact and Nuttall will romp home in the Stoke byelection precisely because he’s upfront enough to expose himself as a fantasist. In 2017 you can be whoever you want to be. Paul Nuttall’s website is temporarily down as it turns out his CV may not be all that it first appeared. The Ukip leader didn’t lose close friends and relatives in the Hillsborough disaster. Nor did he play professional football for Tranmere Rovers. Nor has he got a PhD. Thank God the Guardian never bothered to check the details of my CV, otherwise they might have discovered that I wasn’t the youngest player at Wembley when I scored the goal that clinched the double for Spurs in the 1961 FA Cup final aged four. Nor am I a fellow of All Souls. CVs have always been targets for embellishment, but in an era when almost everything is instantly verifiable, it generally pays to keep your embellishments to the “I’m a great team player with a strong work ethic” variety. But maybe I’m just being a bit old fashioned. Maybe a CV is now just another negotiable alternative fact and Nuttall will romp home in the Stoke-on-Trent Central byelection precisely because he’s upfront enough to expose himself as a fantasist. In 2017, you can be whoever you want to be.
ThursdayThursday
My mother is 93 this week and only gave up driving in the middle of last year. My sisters and I were rather hoping she might have stopped several years earlier as she gave every appearance of being a bit of a liability behind the wheel. But as she had never had an accident and because all of us were too scared to be the one to say she couldn’t drive, we crossed our fingers and let her carry on. On her own, of course. We weren’t stupid enough to get in a car with her. I’m aware this doesn’t show us up in a particularly good light as our mother could have injured herself and other road users, but all I can say in our defence is that you haven’t met my mother. She can be quite fierce. But I like to think that if Harrison Ford was my dad, I’d be able to have a quiet word with him and get him to stop flying. Only a couple of years ago he managed to crash land on a golf course, almost killing himself in the process. This week he nearly took out 120 passengers on a scheduled flight by landing on the wrong runway in LA. There’s a pattern developing, Harrison. Time to quit while you are still just ahead. My mother is 93 this week and only gave up driving in the middle of last year. My sisters and I were rather hoping she might have stopped several years earlier, as she gave every appearance of being a bit of a liability behind the wheel. But as she had never had an accident and because all of us were too scared to be the one to say she couldn’t drive, we crossed our fingers and let her carry on. On her own, of course. We weren’t stupid enough to get in a car with her. I’m aware this doesn’t show us up in a particularly good light, as our mother could have injured herself and other road users, but all I can say in our defence is that you haven’t met my mother. She can be quite fierce. But I like to think that if Harrison Ford were my dad, I’d be able to have a quiet word and get him to stop flying. Only a couple of years ago, he managed to crash-land on a golf course, almost killing himself in the process. This week he nearly took out 110 passengers on a scheduled flight by landing on the wrong runway in California. There’s a pattern developing, Harrison. Time to quit while you are still just ahead.
FridayFriday
In this week’s Spectator, John Blake, the publisher of not entirely reliable biographies, writes that he is possession of an 80,000-word autobiography written by Mick Jagger some time in the 1980s. It is, Blake says, a manuscript that shows “a quieter, more watchful Mick than the fast-living caricature”. There’s only one problem: Mick says he has no recollection of ever having written an autobiography and doesn’t want it published. Blake, however, is insistent that it is genuine and that the reason Mick can’t remember writing it must be because he was too stoned. Having written a number of books myself – admittedly not while I was taking drugs – I find it impossible to imagine it is something anyone would forget. The quickest period of time I took to write a book was just over three months and the longest well over a couple of years. That’s a lot of time to be suffering from the anxiety that what you are writing may not be any good and no one will want to read it. There’s as much chance of Mick forgetting the Rolling Stones had written Exile on Main Street as him forgetting an autobiography. Which doesn’t necessarily make Blake’s claims false, of course. Just that Mick may have his reasons for it not seeing the light of day. In this week’s Spectator, John Blake, the publisher of not entirely reliable biographies, writes that he is in possession of an 80,000-word autobiography written by Mick Jagger some time in the 1980s. It is, Blake says, a manuscript that shows “a quieter, more watchful Mick than the fast-living caricature”. There’s only one problem: Mick says he has no recollection of having written an autobiography and doesn’t want it published. Blake, however, is insistent that it is genuine and the reason Mick can’t remember writing it must be because he was too stoned. Having written a number of books myself, admittedly not while I was taking drugs, I find it impossible to imagine it is something anyone would forget. The quickest period of time I took to write a book was just over three months and the longest well over a couple of years. That’s a lot of time to be suffering from the anxiety that what you are writing may not be any good and no one will want to read it. There’s as much chance of Mick forgetting the Rolling Stones had written Exile on Main Street as him forgetting an autobiography. Which doesn’t necessarily make Blake’s claims false, of course. Just that Mick may have his reasons for it not seeing the light of day.
Digested week, digested: There’s fake news and then there’s very fake news.Digested week, digested: There’s fake news and then there’s very fake news.