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In Stoke, May marches on with familiar neuron-crushing dullness In Stoke, May marches on with familiar neuron-crushing dullness
(about 1 hour later)
Daytime. Stoke-on-Trent. We open on a shot of Theresa May, encircled by seemingly endless crowds of workers in hi-vis jackets. Pan out and you’d see an otherwise empty warehouse slightly larger than Liechtenstein – but luckily, no one ever pans out.Daytime. Stoke-on-Trent. We open on a shot of Theresa May, encircled by seemingly endless crowds of workers in hi-vis jackets. Pan out and you’d see an otherwise empty warehouse slightly larger than Liechtenstein – but luckily, no one ever pans out.
And so to Screwfix’s Trentham distribution centre, the latest blacksite where May’s election is being held. Each day the prime minister is rendered to a sealed regional facility, where she tortures a captive audience with looped repetitions of the phrase “strong and stable”. After a sustained period of it, people are unsure whether to applaud or confess to a Pakistani embassy bombing they had nothing to with just to make it stop.And so to Screwfix’s Trentham distribution centre, the latest blacksite where May’s election is being held. Each day the prime minister is rendered to a sealed regional facility, where she tortures a captive audience with looped repetitions of the phrase “strong and stable”. After a sustained period of it, people are unsure whether to applaud or confess to a Pakistani embassy bombing they had nothing to with just to make it stop.
To adapt Dorothy Parker, the PM ran the full gamut of emotion from strong to stable. Her primary means of showing solidarity with workers is to deliver answers so robotic that they suggest even her own job has already been automated. What was she going to do about rising food prices, someone wanted to know? “We need to make sure we get that Brexit deal right.” What about Labour’s manifesto policies polling well? “Ordinary working families will suffer from a coalition of chaos.” What does she think about reports that Donald Trump disclosed highly sensitive intelligence to the Russians? “It is not up to me what President Trump says to anybody that he is meeting and talking to.” Life insurers now insist that you declare if you have been exposed to a Theresa May response, with failure to disclose the fact liable to render your policy void. Outside the Screwfix gates, even the Mirror chicken looked like it wanted to turn itself in to the nearest Nando’s. To adapt Dorothy Parker, the PM ran the full gamut of emotion from strong to stable. Her primary means of showing solidarity with workers is to deliver answers so robotic that they suggest even her own job has already been automated. What was she going to do about rising food prices, someone wanted to know? “We need to make sure we get that Brexit deal right.”
What about Labour’s manifesto policies polling well? “Ordinary working families will suffer from a coalition of chaos.” What does she think about reports that Donald Trump disclosed highly sensitive intelligence to the Russians? “It is not up to me what President Trump says to anybody that he is meeting and talking to.”
Life insurers now insist that you declare if you have been exposed to a Theresa May response, with failure to disclose the fact liable to render your policy void. Outside the Screwfix gates, even the Mirror chicken looked like it wanted to turn itself in to the nearest Nando’s.
On Monday, and apparently for the first time this campaign, Theresa May was accosted by an unscreened, unvetted, unscripted member of the public in Oxfordshire’s Abingdon market. Tuesday’s event sent a clear message: LOL if you think I’m doing that again. The encounter in Abingdon, you may have seen, saw the prime minster confronted by a woman wanting to know what she was going to do for people with learning disabilities, only for May to reply: “We have got a lot of plans for mental health.” Impressive that the PM should contrive to imagine learning disabilities and mental health are the same thing – then again, she was once shadow secretary of state for the work and pensions, the department where the Tories traditionally earn their teardrop tattoos.On Monday, and apparently for the first time this campaign, Theresa May was accosted by an unscreened, unvetted, unscripted member of the public in Oxfordshire’s Abingdon market. Tuesday’s event sent a clear message: LOL if you think I’m doing that again. The encounter in Abingdon, you may have seen, saw the prime minster confronted by a woman wanting to know what she was going to do for people with learning disabilities, only for May to reply: “We have got a lot of plans for mental health.” Impressive that the PM should contrive to imagine learning disabilities and mental health are the same thing – then again, she was once shadow secretary of state for the work and pensions, the department where the Tories traditionally earn their teardrop tattoos.
Here, she was on safer ground. According to the latest YouGov poll, published on Monday, the Tories are leading Labour by 23 points in the West Midlands. That’s … a lot of points. In the West Midlands.Here, she was on safer ground. According to the latest YouGov poll, published on Monday, the Tories are leading Labour by 23 points in the West Midlands. That’s … a lot of points. In the West Midlands.
Maybe her campaign team were drawn to Screwfix’s business park location by the Google reviewer who described it as the “best place in Stoke for a picnic”. . Whatever the truth, a picnic it was for the prime minister. Yes, questions from the factory floor about investment in an area that has seen large-scale depletion of industry must be fobbed off more kindly than questions about foxhunting from the media – but it’s all very doable. No employee is going to make a scene in front of their boss. Maybe her campaign team were drawn to Screwfix’s business park location by the Google reviewer who described it as the “best place in Stoke for a picnic”. Whatever the truth, a picnic it was for the prime minister. Yes, questions from the factory floor about investment in an area that has seen large-scale depletion of industry must be fobbed off more kindly than questions about foxhunting from the media – but it’s all very doable. No employee is going to make a scene in front of their boss.
Thus far on the campaign, Conservative party branding on the huge THERESA MAY posters has been incredibly small, giving it the flavour of those speedily garbled disclaimers at the end of US TV drug adverts: “May cause mood swings, palpitations, hives, hair loss, suicidal thoughts, anal leakage, a savagely underfunded NHS and the continuing elevation of Liam Fox.”Thus far on the campaign, Conservative party branding on the huge THERESA MAY posters has been incredibly small, giving it the flavour of those speedily garbled disclaimers at the end of US TV drug adverts: “May cause mood swings, palpitations, hives, hair loss, suicidal thoughts, anal leakage, a savagely underfunded NHS and the continuing elevation of Liam Fox.”
In Stoke, there was no branding at all – and I don’t think May said the word “Conservative” once. The closest she came was the declaration that: “We as a party were quite early to realise that immigration was a concern.” There’s really never been a more important moment for voters to take back control of the control they took back last June.In Stoke, there was no branding at all – and I don’t think May said the word “Conservative” once. The closest she came was the declaration that: “We as a party were quite early to realise that immigration was a concern.” There’s really never been a more important moment for voters to take back control of the control they took back last June.
As is often mentioned, Theresa May’s teenage pinup was Geoffrey Boycott, and this campaign looks to be her equivalent of the latter making a huge 246 against India at Leeds in 1967 – his highest test score and a feat remembered entirely for its fist-gnawing, neuron-crushing dullness. On the first day, Boycott took more than six hours to grind out 106, at one point taking a mere eight runs in an hour, having already gone 45 minutes without scoring. The Mirror’s Brian Chapman declared that cricket could “not afford to put in the shop window a joyless effort of this sort”. In the Times, John Woodcock judged Boycott to be “regardless of his responsibilities as a public entertainer.” In the public entertainer stakes, of course, May makes Boycott look like Beyoncé. Still, as he put it: “I had shown that I had the character to stick with it.” Well, quite. He had demonstrated that he was strong and stable. And 246 is 246. As is often mentioned, Theresa May’s teenage pinup was Geoffrey Boycott, and this campaign looks to be her equivalent of the latter making a huge 246 against India at Leeds in 1967 – his highest test score and a feat remembered entirely for its fist-gnawing, neuron-crushing dullness. On the first day, Boycott took more than six hours to grind out 106, at one point taking a mere eight runs in an hour, having already gone 45 minutes without scoring. The Mirror’s Brian Chapman declared that cricket could “not afford to put in the shop window a joyless effort of this sort”.
In the Times, John Woodcock judged Boycott to be “regardless of his responsibilities as a public entertainer.” In the public entertainer stakes, of course, May makes Boycott look like Beyoncé.
Still, as he put it: “I had shown that I had the character to stick with it.” Well, quite. He had demonstrated that he was strong and stable. And 246 is 246.
No one has yet predicted the double-century majority for Theresa May, but a 23-point lead in the West Midlands will be giving some Labour Cassandras nightmares in the 180s. A towering achievement, and all that. But honestly, what a way to go about it.No one has yet predicted the double-century majority for Theresa May, but a 23-point lead in the West Midlands will be giving some Labour Cassandras nightmares in the 180s. A towering achievement, and all that. But honestly, what a way to go about it.