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| Headliner David Miliband fails to turn Ed's show into radio gold | Headliner David Miliband fails to turn Ed's show into radio gold |
| (10 days later) | |
| Toilets and death metal had only been the warm-up acts during Ed Miliband’s week standing in for Jeremy Vine on Radio 2. Now for the headliner: the reunion with his brother, David. Even if it was a reunion at 3,000 miles. No need after all for the horse’s head that Ed had brought into the studio specially that morning. | Toilets and death metal had only been the warm-up acts during Ed Miliband’s week standing in for Jeremy Vine on Radio 2. Now for the headliner: the reunion with his brother, David. Even if it was a reunion at 3,000 miles. No need after all for the horse’s head that Ed had brought into the studio specially that morning. |
| “In a moment I’m going to be talking to my brother live from New York about the refugee crisis,” said Ed. “But first I’m going to play Barry McGuire’s Eve of Destruction. Ed smiled to himself. He felt sure David would appreciate the irony. | “In a moment I’m going to be talking to my brother live from New York about the refugee crisis,” said Ed. “But first I’m going to play Barry McGuire’s Eve of Destruction. Ed smiled to himself. He felt sure David would appreciate the irony. |
| As Bazza faded out, Ed turned on his microphone once more. “When my brother left parliament …” Ed paused. Why had David left parliament? It was all so long ago, his memory had become a little hazy. Never mind. It probably wasn’t very important. “… he went to work for the International Rescue Committee.” And he was going to chat to him about his work for the IRC and a bit of their own family history. | As Bazza faded out, Ed turned on his microphone once more. “When my brother left parliament …” Ed paused. Why had David left parliament? It was all so long ago, his memory had become a little hazy. Never mind. It probably wasn’t very important. “… he went to work for the International Rescue Committee.” And he was going to chat to him about his work for the IRC and a bit of their own family history. |
| “Hi Dave. Are you on the line?” Ed asked. | “Hi Dave. Are you on the line?” Ed asked. |
| He was, but he didn’t waste any time saying “Hi Ed” in reply. This was strictly a nuisance business call and he had plenty of other more important gigs in his diary for later in the day. Besides, who was this guy being overfamiliar by calling him “Dave”? | He was, but he didn’t waste any time saying “Hi Ed” in reply. This was strictly a nuisance business call and he had plenty of other more important gigs in his diary for later in the day. Besides, who was this guy being overfamiliar by calling him “Dave”? |
| “You travel a lot these days,” Ed continued breezily. Over in New York, there was a dull thud as David smashed his head into the microphone. He’d briefly forgotten how annoying his brother could be. Thanks for the reminder, Ed. Yes, he did a lot of travelling these days but if things had worked out a bit differently he’d have been the one back in London. Who knew? He might even have been leader of the Labour party and Britain might not have voted to leave the EU. | “You travel a lot these days,” Ed continued breezily. Over in New York, there was a dull thud as David smashed his head into the microphone. He’d briefly forgotten how annoying his brother could be. Thanks for the reminder, Ed. Yes, he did a lot of travelling these days but if things had worked out a bit differently he’d have been the one back in London. Who knew? He might even have been leader of the Labour party and Britain might not have voted to leave the EU. |
| Still, now was not the time to rake up old family feuds, so David took a deep breath and chose to act like the older brother as he went on to talk about Anna from Kampala and how it wasn’t just the rich countries that were carrying the burden of the refugee crisis. Last year Britain had taken in just 5,000 refugees. That was just eight per constituency. Or a bit more if you factor in the none that Theresa May’s Maidenhead constituency took in. | Still, now was not the time to rake up old family feuds, so David took a deep breath and chose to act like the older brother as he went on to talk about Anna from Kampala and how it wasn’t just the rich countries that were carrying the burden of the refugee crisis. Last year Britain had taken in just 5,000 refugees. That was just eight per constituency. Or a bit more if you factor in the none that Theresa May’s Maidenhead constituency took in. |
| “So how many do you think we can take in?” asked Ed. | “So how many do you think we can take in?” asked Ed. |
| “Well if we took in 25,000 that would be …” | “Well if we took in 25,000 that would be …” |
| “Wait,” interrupted Ed. “I’ll do the maths.” There was dead air as Ed scribbled on a piece of paper. “By my calculations that’s 40 per constituency,” he eventually added triumphantly. | “Wait,” interrupted Ed. “I’ll do the maths.” There was dead air as Ed scribbled on a piece of paper. “By my calculations that’s 40 per constituency,” he eventually added triumphantly. |
| “Yes.” What did Ed want? Applause? | “Yes.” What did Ed want? Applause? |
| After reading out an email from a bloke called Graham from Worcester who had never met a refugee but was still certain there were too many of them, Ed played a clip of a TED talk in which David had spoken of his own family history. How his aunt and grandmother had been taken in by a Catholic Belgian farmer called M Maurice during the war and how he had been taken to meet him when he was a teenager. | After reading out an email from a bloke called Graham from Worcester who had never met a refugee but was still certain there were too many of them, Ed played a clip of a TED talk in which David had spoken of his own family history. How his aunt and grandmother had been taken in by a Catholic Belgian farmer called M Maurice during the war and how he had been taken to meet him when he was a teenager. |
| “I remember that I was too young to go on that trip,” said Ed. And it still rankled. David had always got all the treats when he was a kid. At that point, Ed flicked a switch and the line to New York unexpectedly went dead. | “I remember that I was too young to go on that trip,” said Ed. And it still rankled. David had always got all the treats when he was a kid. At that point, Ed flicked a switch and the line to New York unexpectedly went dead. |
| After a few seconds of panic, there was the crackle of heavy static and David was back, sounding as if he was doing a live broadcast from the 1940s. Which was oddly in keeping. Because it was only their ancient family history – the lives of the parents and relatives – that the two brothers could bear to talk about. Fascinating and informative though the discussion on refugees had been, this hadn’t been the radio gold listeners were hoping for. The fallout from the Labour leadership election of 2010 could only be heard in the silences. | After a few seconds of panic, there was the crackle of heavy static and David was back, sounding as if he was doing a live broadcast from the 1940s. Which was oddly in keeping. Because it was only their ancient family history – the lives of the parents and relatives – that the two brothers could bear to talk about. Fascinating and informative though the discussion on refugees had been, this hadn’t been the radio gold listeners were hoping for. The fallout from the Labour leadership election of 2010 could only be heard in the silences. |
| As the static intensified, Ed announced he was going to have to cut his brother off. David sighed. That wouldn’t be the first time his brother had done that. Probably wouldn’t be the last. “I’ll see you very soon,” said Ed cheerily. | As the static intensified, Ed announced he was going to have to cut his brother off. David sighed. That wouldn’t be the first time his brother had done that. Probably wouldn’t be the last. “I’ll see you very soon,” said Ed cheerily. |
| “Not if I see you first,” David muttered. | “Not if I see you first,” David muttered. |
| Time for a record. Ed had been tempted to play Dire Straits’ Brothers in Arms but in the end opted for OMD’s Enola Gay. Going full-on nuclear apocalypse somehow seemed apt. | Time for a record. Ed had been tempted to play Dire Straits’ Brothers in Arms but in the end opted for OMD’s Enola Gay. Going full-on nuclear apocalypse somehow seemed apt. |