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| Maybot's magic money tree? It'll spread the love in Belfast, says Green | Maybot's magic money tree? It'll spread the love in Belfast, says Green |
| (7 months later) | |
| First secretary tells MPs the deal is in the national interest – as in, the Tories’ interest and the DUP’s interest | |
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| Mon 26 Jun 2017 20.27 BST | |
| Last modified on Mon 27 Nov 2017 21.11 GMT | |
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| Damian Green looked at his hands in despair. The first secretary of state had spent the last 20 minutes scrubbing them, but they still weren’t clean. He turned to the Maybot, begging her to explain the details of the agreement the Tories had reached with the DUP to the House of Commons. After all, the whole sorry deal had only ever been about keeping her in a job. | Damian Green looked at his hands in despair. The first secretary of state had spent the last 20 minutes scrubbing them, but they still weren’t clean. He turned to the Maybot, begging her to explain the details of the agreement the Tories had reached with the DUP to the House of Commons. After all, the whole sorry deal had only ever been about keeping her in a job. |
| The Maybot shook her head. She’d just spent 90 minutes trying and failing to convince the House that she was a fair and serious prime minister, and was out on her feet. Fair and serious is the new strong and stable. | The Maybot shook her head. She’d just spent 90 minutes trying and failing to convince the House that she was a fair and serious prime minister, and was out on her feet. Fair and serious is the new strong and stable. |
| “This deal is in the national interest,” said Green, hesitantly. The national interest as in the Conservative party’s interest. He tried repeating “national interest” but it didn’t sound any more convincing second time round, so he adopted another tack. | “This deal is in the national interest,” said Green, hesitantly. The national interest as in the Conservative party’s interest. He tried repeating “national interest” but it didn’t sound any more convincing second time round, so he adopted another tack. |
| Think of it this way. The deal was just a happy coincidence. An alignment of stars. The Tory party had been looking to spend some more money on public services and the Maybot had realised that, though Northern Ireland had already been getting more than its fair share, it was probably due another £1bn top up just for the hell of it. | Think of it this way. The deal was just a happy coincidence. An alignment of stars. The Tory party had been looking to spend some more money on public services and the Maybot had realised that, though Northern Ireland had already been getting more than its fair share, it was probably due another £1bn top up just for the hell of it. |
| And if, as a result of the extra dosh, the DUP kept the Tories in government for a few weeks longer, then everyone was happy. Apart from the Scots, the Welsh and large parts of England. | And if, as a result of the extra dosh, the DUP kept the Tories in government for a few weeks longer, then everyone was happy. Apart from the Scots, the Welsh and large parts of England. |
| Labour’s Emily Thornberry remained unconvinced that risking the Northern Ireland peace process was a price worth paying and wondered where the government had found the money from. Having accused Labour of having a “magic money tree” throughout the election campaign, how come the Tories had now managed to find one of their own? | Labour’s Emily Thornberry remained unconvinced that risking the Northern Ireland peace process was a price worth paying and wondered where the government had found the money from. Having accused Labour of having a “magic money tree” throughout the election campaign, how come the Tories had now managed to find one of their own? |
| At this point Green began to appear severely out of his depth. The deal was so far above his pay grade, all he could do was to refer everyone on to his superiors. He didn’t have a clue if the money was contingent on the Northern Ireland executive reaching a power-sharing agreement, but even if it wasn’t, he was sure the DUP would be more than happy to spread the windfall equally among the republicans because that’s the kind of easy-going hippies they were. Peace and love and all that. | At this point Green began to appear severely out of his depth. The deal was so far above his pay grade, all he could do was to refer everyone on to his superiors. He didn’t have a clue if the money was contingent on the Northern Ireland executive reaching a power-sharing agreement, but even if it wasn’t, he was sure the DUP would be more than happy to spread the windfall equally among the republicans because that’s the kind of easy-going hippies they were. Peace and love and all that. |
| As for the extra money, that was easily explained. By maintaining the triple lock on pensions and abandoning plans to scrap the winter fuel allowance, the Tories had freed up more cash for Northern Ireland. The Maybot gently broke it to him that he appeared to have got the wrong end of the stick on the financial implications of those measures and invited him to have another go. | As for the extra money, that was easily explained. By maintaining the triple lock on pensions and abandoning plans to scrap the winter fuel allowance, the Tories had freed up more cash for Northern Ireland. The Maybot gently broke it to him that he appeared to have got the wrong end of the stick on the financial implications of those measures and invited him to have another go. |
| “We can afford this because we have a strong economy,” said an increasingly desperate Green. The government had looked down the back of the sofa and just happened to find £1bn. And if the Scots and Welsh played their cards right and stopped whingeing then they could expect to be on the right end of a bung the next time the government found it had some spare loose change. | “We can afford this because we have a strong economy,” said an increasingly desperate Green. The government had looked down the back of the sofa and just happened to find £1bn. And if the Scots and Welsh played their cards right and stopped whingeing then they could expect to be on the right end of a bung the next time the government found it had some spare loose change. |
| Yvette Cooper and Stella Creasy wanted to know what trade-offs the Tories had made on equalities with the DUP. In particular, what the government was proposing to do about women from Northern Ireland being made to pay for abortions in England. | Yvette Cooper and Stella Creasy wanted to know what trade-offs the Tories had made on equalities with the DUP. In particular, what the government was proposing to do about women from Northern Ireland being made to pay for abortions in England. |
| Green hadn’t a clue. This was a matter for the Northern Ireland assembly, he said. It wasn’t but he’d been wrong on so much already, one more thing wasn’t going to hurt. | Green hadn’t a clue. This was a matter for the Northern Ireland assembly, he said. It wasn’t but he’d been wrong on so much already, one more thing wasn’t going to hurt. |
| A few loyal Tories did their best to defend the deal with supportive interventions handed to them by the whips. Though Crispin Blunt’s suggestion that buying a stay of execution for £1bn was cheap at the price, and everyone should be popping the champagne corks at the government’s negotiating skills, was laced with rather more irony than Green would have liked. | A few loyal Tories did their best to defend the deal with supportive interventions handed to them by the whips. Though Crispin Blunt’s suggestion that buying a stay of execution for £1bn was cheap at the price, and everyone should be popping the champagne corks at the government’s negotiating skills, was laced with rather more irony than Green would have liked. |
| Throughout all this, the five DUP MPs in the House could barely contain their excitement. | Throughout all this, the five DUP MPs in the House could barely contain their excitement. |
| “This is a good deal for everyone,” said a grinning Nigel Dodds. Especially the DUP. Green clutched his head. The DUP could at least have tried to look as if they hadn’t won the lottery. To rub salt in his wounds, Ian Paisley Jr gently reminded the House that the actual figure the DUP had been promised was £1.5bn. Sod it, thought Green. The magic money tree could probably run to it. | “This is a good deal for everyone,” said a grinning Nigel Dodds. Especially the DUP. Green clutched his head. The DUP could at least have tried to look as if they hadn’t won the lottery. To rub salt in his wounds, Ian Paisley Jr gently reminded the House that the actual figure the DUP had been promised was £1.5bn. Sod it, thought Green. The magic money tree could probably run to it. |
| Northern Irish politics | |
| The politics sketch | |
| Theresa May | |
| Damian Green | |
| Northern Ireland | |
| Democratic Unionist party (DUP) | |
| Conservatives | |
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