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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
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| Call that a relaunch? Maybot's broken record still not fixed | |
| (7 months later) | |
| One year and two reboots into her premiership, Theresa May finds herself welcoming a report aimed at helping people stuck in jobs without any security | |
| Contact author | |
| Tue 11 Jul 2017 18.41 BST | |
| Last modified on Mon 27 Nov 2017 20.22 GMT | |
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| Imagine that someone had never been daft enough to call a general election. Imagine you’re heading a government with a clear majority in parliament. Imagine you’re still well ahead in the polls. Imagine a world shaped to your own desires. | Imagine that someone had never been daft enough to call a general election. Imagine you’re heading a government with a clear majority in parliament. Imagine you’re still well ahead in the polls. Imagine a world shaped to your own desires. |
| The Maybot could. “A year ago, I stood outside Downing Street for the first time as prime minister, and I set out the defining characteristics of the government I was determined to lead,” she began her speech at the launch of the Taylor report into modern working practices in central London. | The Maybot could. “A year ago, I stood outside Downing Street for the first time as prime minister, and I set out the defining characteristics of the government I was determined to lead,” she began her speech at the launch of the Taylor report into modern working practices in central London. |
| “I am convinced that the path that I set out in my first speech outside No 10, and upon which we have set ourselves as a government, remains the right one.” Nothing had changed. | “I am convinced that the path that I set out in my first speech outside No 10, and upon which we have set ourselves as a government, remains the right one.” Nothing had changed. |
| But everything has changed. The Maybot’s operators looked on aghast. This was meant to be her big relaunch. Only it was looking very much like the previous relaunch. Maybot 3.0 was the same as Maybot 2.0, which was the same as Maybot 1.0. She was supposed to be sounding a note of contrition, a willingness to adapt to changed circumstances and yet here she was still insisting she had been right all along. It was just everyone else who had got things wrong. | But everything has changed. The Maybot’s operators looked on aghast. This was meant to be her big relaunch. Only it was looking very much like the previous relaunch. Maybot 3.0 was the same as Maybot 2.0, which was the same as Maybot 1.0. She was supposed to be sounding a note of contrition, a willingness to adapt to changed circumstances and yet here she was still insisting she had been right all along. It was just everyone else who had got things wrong. |
| Her operators tried a quick reboot but only succeeded in getting her to speak in passionless, mindless soundbites. Still it was marginally better for her to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. Besides which, meaningless soundbites weren’t an altogether inappropriate response to a report whose main findings were that workers should be renamed “dependent contractors” and that everyone should be encouraged to believe they could have a good job even if all those in good jobs relied on there being enough people prepared to do the crap jobs to make their lives good. Perhaps some might even think that the Maybot was doing a subtle pastiche of the Taylor report. There again, perhaps not. | Her operators tried a quick reboot but only succeeded in getting her to speak in passionless, mindless soundbites. Still it was marginally better for her to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. Besides which, meaningless soundbites weren’t an altogether inappropriate response to a report whose main findings were that workers should be renamed “dependent contractors” and that everyone should be encouraged to believe they could have a good job even if all those in good jobs relied on there being enough people prepared to do the crap jobs to make their lives good. Perhaps some might even think that the Maybot was doing a subtle pastiche of the Taylor report. There again, perhaps not. |
| While her system administrators were still busy reprogramming her, the Maybot pressed on. This was a good report. A very good report. Such a good report, in fact, that she was going to take it away and study it very carefully over the summer so that when parliament returned in September she could quietly ignore most of its recommendations. To implement any of the proposals would be to do a disservice to the blandness of the report. | While her system administrators were still busy reprogramming her, the Maybot pressed on. This was a good report. A very good report. Such a good report, in fact, that she was going to take it away and study it very carefully over the summer so that when parliament returned in September she could quietly ignore most of its recommendations. To implement any of the proposals would be to do a disservice to the blandness of the report. |
| Halfway through her speech, the empathy function briefly kicked in. The Maybot knew what it was like to be on a zero hours contract. She knew what it was like to be stuck in a job you hated and for which you didn’t have the relevant qualifications. She felt the crippling insecurity of knowing you could lose your job at any time. She shared their pain. “I want people to be able to go as far as their talents will take them,” she sobbed. Or a great deal further in her case. | Halfway through her speech, the empathy function briefly kicked in. The Maybot knew what it was like to be on a zero hours contract. She knew what it was like to be stuck in a job you hated and for which you didn’t have the relevant qualifications. She felt the crippling insecurity of knowing you could lose your job at any time. She shared their pain. “I want people to be able to go as far as their talents will take them,” she sobbed. Or a great deal further in her case. |
| “We will always be on the side of the hard workers,” she continued, momentarily forgetting that only the previous day she had confirmed that teachers would effectively be getting a pay cut. Still most teachers were probably a wee bit lazy at heart. Just like the doctors and nurses. Most of them didn’t know the meaning of a proper day’s work. | “We will always be on the side of the hard workers,” she continued, momentarily forgetting that only the previous day she had confirmed that teachers would effectively be getting a pay cut. Still most teachers were probably a wee bit lazy at heart. Just like the doctors and nurses. Most of them didn’t know the meaning of a proper day’s work. |
| Belatedly, the rebooted Maybot flickered and remembered she was supposed to reboot. Now she came to think of it, the election hadn’t gone entirely to plan so she would quite like the Labour party’s help to get through a government agenda she couldn’t get past her own party. Then the memory faded. The election had actually been a great idea because it had got more women into parliament. Mostly Labour MPs. She ended by insisting her government had an unshakeable sense of purpose. Even though everyone in it thought it was on life support. | Belatedly, the rebooted Maybot flickered and remembered she was supposed to reboot. Now she came to think of it, the election hadn’t gone entirely to plan so she would quite like the Labour party’s help to get through a government agenda she couldn’t get past her own party. Then the memory faded. The election had actually been a great idea because it had got more women into parliament. Mostly Labour MPs. She ended by insisting her government had an unshakeable sense of purpose. Even though everyone in it thought it was on life support. |
| As the event drew to a close, the BBC’s Kamal Ahmed stood up to ask a question. “Camel, Camel,” the Maybot said absentmindedly. “I’m sorry, I was thinking of something else.” Some of her operators started openly weeping. The Maybot hadn’t even been able to maintain her concentration for the 30 minutes of her own relaunch. Press control, alt, delete. | As the event drew to a close, the BBC’s Kamal Ahmed stood up to ask a question. “Camel, Camel,” the Maybot said absentmindedly. “I’m sorry, I was thinking of something else.” Some of her operators started openly weeping. The Maybot hadn’t even been able to maintain her concentration for the 30 minutes of her own relaunch. Press control, alt, delete. |
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