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| Fail to prepare, prepare for glorious success in Brexit negotiations | |
| (6 months later) | |
| Michel Barnier searched for the British position, and there it was, standing with a finger in your ear, staring at the floor | |
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| Thu 20 Jul 2017 16.18 BST | |
| Last modified on Mon 27 Nov 2017 19.48 GMT | |
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| More than half an hour later than planned, Michel Barnier and David Davis walked into the lecture theatre to give their joint press conference to mark the end of the latest round of Brexit negotiations in Brussels. | More than half an hour later than planned, Michel Barnier and David Davis walked into the lecture theatre to give their joint press conference to mark the end of the latest round of Brexit negotiations in Brussels. |
| The extra time didn’t appear to have been put to any noticeable useful effect. The handshakes were no more than polite and neither man made much effort to look the other in the eye. The entente appeared not that cordiale. | The extra time didn’t appear to have been put to any noticeable useful effect. The handshakes were no more than polite and neither man made much effort to look the other in the eye. The entente appeared not that cordiale. |
| “Thank you for your patience,” Barnier said, by way of an apology to the reporters who had been kept waiting, “which is a critical virtue in any negotiation.” | “Thank you for your patience,” Barnier said, by way of an apology to the reporters who had been kept waiting, “which is a critical virtue in any negotiation.” |
| “Particularly for us,” Davis interrupted, never one to pass up an opportunity to speak for Little Britain on a global stage. | “Particularly for us,” Davis interrupted, never one to pass up an opportunity to speak for Little Britain on a global stage. |
| Barnier ignored him. His patience had long since been tested to breaking point. Davis hadn’t had to sit through four days in which almost nothing had happened. All the Brexit minister had done was to turn up for the first hour of talks, while he had had to sit through every pointless minute. This was his moment of revenge. A time to set the record straight. | Barnier ignored him. His patience had long since been tested to breaking point. Davis hadn’t had to sit through four days in which almost nothing had happened. All the Brexit minister had done was to turn up for the first hour of talks, while he had had to sit through every pointless minute. This was his moment of revenge. A time to set the record straight. |
| “I said last week that I wanted to identify the points where we agree and the points where we disagree,” the EU’s negotiator continued. “This was possible this week for the issues on which there was a clear British position.” A half-smile crossed his face. This was his little joke. Because it soon became clear there were almost no issues on which he thought Britain had a clear position. | “I said last week that I wanted to identify the points where we agree and the points where we disagree,” the EU’s negotiator continued. “This was possible this week for the issues on which there was a clear British position.” A half-smile crossed his face. This was his little joke. Because it soon became clear there were almost no issues on which he thought Britain had a clear position. |
| Still, he was a fair man and it was best to start with the positives. Such as they were. Britain had at least set out a few guidelines on the rights of EU citizens, though none that were in any way acceptable. There were “fundamental divergences”, especially in relation to the European court of justice. As for the financial settlement and Ireland, the situation was just a mess. | Still, he was a fair man and it was best to start with the positives. Such as they were. Britain had at least set out a few guidelines on the rights of EU citizens, though none that were in any way acceptable. There were “fundamental divergences”, especially in relation to the European court of justice. As for the financial settlement and Ireland, the situation was just a mess. |
| “A clarification of the UK position is essential, if we are to have any progress,” Barnier said. “As soon as the UK is ready to clarify its position, we will be prepared to have these discussions. This week’s negotiations have shown we make better progress when our respective positions are clear.” In other words, next time you come, do at least make an effort to have done a bit of homework beforehand because I could do without having my time wasted. | “A clarification of the UK position is essential, if we are to have any progress,” Barnier said. “As soon as the UK is ready to clarify its position, we will be prepared to have these discussions. This week’s negotiations have shown we make better progress when our respective positions are clear.” In other words, next time you come, do at least make an effort to have done a bit of homework beforehand because I could do without having my time wasted. |
| Barnier had spoken half in English and half in French and Davis had spent most of the time staring at the floor with his finger in his ear. Most observers had initially assumed this was because he was struggling to follow the simultaneous translation, but it soon became clear it was because he had been making a point of not listening to a word that had been said. | Barnier had spoken half in English and half in French and Davis had spent most of the time staring at the floor with his finger in his ear. Most observers had initially assumed this was because he was struggling to follow the simultaneous translation, but it soon became clear it was because he had been making a point of not listening to a word that had been said. |
| “Overall, I am encouraged by the progress we have made,” Davis began. Barnier appeared genuinely astonished by this. Either his opposite number hadn’t been paying attention or his advisers had been deliberately misinforming him. | “Overall, I am encouraged by the progress we have made,” Davis began. Barnier appeared genuinely astonished by this. Either his opposite number hadn’t been paying attention or his advisers had been deliberately misinforming him. |
| Davis blundered on. “We have conducted this round constructively and at pace, and I hope this is a model we can continue going forward,” he said. At pace as in snail’s pace. “I came here saying that it was important that we now made progress. And this week, I think we have done just that.” | Davis blundered on. “We have conducted this round constructively and at pace, and I hope this is a model we can continue going forward,” he said. At pace as in snail’s pace. “I came here saying that it was important that we now made progress. And this week, I think we have done just that.” |
| This wasn’t just news to Barnier. It was also news to everyone else in the room and the media were understandably sceptical. Just then, Barnier felt compassion for his adversary. While it was clear that Davis wasn’t the brightest of operators, almost anyone would have struggled to play such a poor hand. It was like this, Barnier explained kindly: there had been progress made in as much as the talks hadn’t gone backwards. Given time, Britain might even just begin to appreciate how much more tricky it was all going to get. | This wasn’t just news to Barnier. It was also news to everyone else in the room and the media were understandably sceptical. Just then, Barnier felt compassion for his adversary. While it was clear that Davis wasn’t the brightest of operators, almost anyone would have struggled to play such a poor hand. It was like this, Barnier explained kindly: there had been progress made in as much as the talks hadn’t gone backwards. Given time, Britain might even just begin to appreciate how much more tricky it was all going to get. |
| As Barnier became increasingly expansive, Davis got grumpier and more curt. By the end he was reduced to a few monosyllables. It wasn’t fair to say he didn’t have a plan and was unprepared. The plan was to be unprepared. If he didn’t know what he was doing, then how could the oppo? It was that kind of thinking that would make Britain great again. | As Barnier became increasingly expansive, Davis got grumpier and more curt. By the end he was reduced to a few monosyllables. It wasn’t fair to say he didn’t have a plan and was unprepared. The plan was to be unprepared. If he didn’t know what he was doing, then how could the oppo? It was that kind of thinking that would make Britain great again. |
| That did it for Barnier and he stopped the press conference before Davis could embarrass himself further. Time for lunch. The clock was ticking. | That did it for Barnier and he stopped the press conference before Davis could embarrass himself further. Time for lunch. The clock was ticking. |
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