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The article that changed my view … of caring for my mother The article that changed my view … of caring for my mother
(about 1 hour later)
Dawn Thompson, 55, is a carer from Belfast, Northern Ireland.Dawn Thompson, 55, is a carer from Belfast, Northern Ireland.
It was not one article that changed my view, but two. They appeared in the Guardian six months apart and both were by Deborah Orr – the first reflecting on her mother’s death a week earlier, and the second about her experience of clearing out her parents’ house.It was not one article that changed my view, but two. They appeared in the Guardian six months apart and both were by Deborah Orr – the first reflecting on her mother’s death a week earlier, and the second about her experience of clearing out her parents’ house.
These articles were far more than opinion pieces – they were tender, candid insights into one of the most difficult times of her life, and the emotional fallout that followed.These articles were far more than opinion pieces – they were tender, candid insights into one of the most difficult times of her life, and the emotional fallout that followed.
I’m a similar age to Orr and spend a lot of my time caring for my mother, who is in her 90s and has health issues. It’s an experience many people will have in their 50s and 60s but, unlike expectant parents, carers of elderly family members do not have access to literature offering advice on how to cope. It’s not something people often talk about, despite its prevalence, and so articles like those two are really valuable.I’m a similar age to Orr and spend a lot of my time caring for my mother, who is in her 90s and has health issues. It’s an experience many people will have in their 50s and 60s but, unlike expectant parents, carers of elderly family members do not have access to literature offering advice on how to cope. It’s not something people often talk about, despite its prevalence, and so articles like those two are really valuable.
“I had wanted her last months to be full of treats like this. But instead I wasted my time, dreaming that all this would happen once she was in London.”“I had wanted her last months to be full of treats like this. But instead I wasted my time, dreaming that all this would happen once she was in London.”
I was hugely grateful, and felt a real sense of comfort when I read these articles because they highlighted how important it is for me to enjoy this time with my mum. Prior to reading these pieces, I felt quite at sea and alone in my situation. When I had read them, not only did I feel extremely lucky to still have my mum, I also realised that my role as carer to an elderly parent is becoming more common as life expectancy increases.I was hugely grateful, and felt a real sense of comfort when I read these articles because they highlighted how important it is for me to enjoy this time with my mum. Prior to reading these pieces, I felt quite at sea and alone in my situation. When I had read them, not only did I feel extremely lucky to still have my mum, I also realised that my role as carer to an elderly parent is becoming more common as life expectancy increases.
“This is the first time in my life that I’ve even been able to write a personal piece without fretting that my mother might see it and take umbrage … I want so much to lay my forehead against hers and tell her that she is adored in return.”“This is the first time in my life that I’ve even been able to write a personal piece without fretting that my mother might see it and take umbrage … I want so much to lay my forehead against hers and tell her that she is adored in return.”
My mum and I have never been terribly close, and she’s a private person with traditional values. My life experience has been very different to hers, but I have grown to love what we have.My mum and I have never been terribly close, and she’s a private person with traditional values. My life experience has been very different to hers, but I have grown to love what we have.
While it’s wonderful to still have her in my 50s, caring for her doesn’t come without its difficulties. There are times when it can be really challenging, not least because she always used to be so independent, and is clearly frustrated by the limitations of her own physicality. My dad passed away when I was in my 20s so she spent much of her adult life operating independently.While it’s wonderful to still have her in my 50s, caring for her doesn’t come without its difficulties. There are times when it can be really challenging, not least because she always used to be so independent, and is clearly frustrated by the limitations of her own physicality. My dad passed away when I was in my 20s so she spent much of her adult life operating independently.
She is also proud and I worry she sees her reduced fitness level as a failure, which of course is not the case. Orr recalls that her mum “lived her whole life as if failure to run the Hoover over the carpet for just one day would bring down a landslide of filth and decay”. I see this quality in my own mum all the time. She is a proud woman and I worry she sees her reduced fitness level as a failure, which of course is not the case. Orr recalls that her mum “lived her whole life as if failure to run the Hoover over the carpet for just one day would bring down a landslide of filth and decay”. I see this quality in my own mum all the time.
My mum was born in the 1920s and, like many women of that generation, she has always been “passionately house-proud” and measured herself by her ability to maintain a household, so struggling with her day-to-day chores can present real unease. She was born in the 1920s and, like many women of that generation, she has always been “passionately house-proud” and measured herself by her ability to maintain a household, so struggling with her day-to-day chores can present real unease.
“Some of the things in those cupboards had sat in the dark, lurking, for all of their married lives … If you’d unraveled all the crochet in that house, the yarn would have girded the world … It wasn’t until she’d gone that I realised Win’s refusal to move was probably right.”“Some of the things in those cupboards had sat in the dark, lurking, for all of their married lives … If you’d unraveled all the crochet in that house, the yarn would have girded the world … It wasn’t until she’d gone that I realised Win’s refusal to move was probably right.”
The family home for Orr, as for me, seems to be like another loved one in and of itself. When I suggested my mum leave the home my brother and I grew up in and move to sheltered accommodation, I thought she would divorce me! It would make life a little easier for both of us, but it wouldn’t be the right decision.The family home for Orr, as for me, seems to be like another loved one in and of itself. When I suggested my mum leave the home my brother and I grew up in and move to sheltered accommodation, I thought she would divorce me! It would make life a little easier for both of us, but it wouldn’t be the right decision.
I still dread the prospect of clearing out her house – she’s lived there for so long, there’s more than one room I refer to as ‘the cave’ and her garage could feature in a TV programme about hoarders – but I’m not worrying about that now.I still dread the prospect of clearing out her house – she’s lived there for so long, there’s more than one room I refer to as ‘the cave’ and her garage could feature in a TV programme about hoarders – but I’m not worrying about that now.
I’m enjoying spending this time with my mum, even when it’s hard. And when the time does come, hopefully a long way in the future, I’ll re-read Orr’s words and find it that little bit easier.I’m enjoying spending this time with my mum, even when it’s hard. And when the time does come, hopefully a long way in the future, I’ll re-read Orr’s words and find it that little bit easier.
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