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| Version 3 | Version 4 |
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| Theresa May malfunctions after entering dynamic inertia mode | Theresa May malfunctions after entering dynamic inertia mode |
| (3 days later) | |
| Several minutes after Theresa May had risen to make a statement designed to give the impression of a government united over Brexit, a red-faced Boris Johnson bumbled into the chamber. Amid some sighing and raised eyebrows, a place was eventually found for him on the frontbench some distance from the prime minister. Boris didn’t look unduly disappointed at being made so unwelcome; for him any attention is still better than none. | Several minutes after Theresa May had risen to make a statement designed to give the impression of a government united over Brexit, a red-faced Boris Johnson bumbled into the chamber. Amid some sighing and raised eyebrows, a place was eventually found for him on the frontbench some distance from the prime minister. Boris didn’t look unduly disappointed at being made so unwelcome; for him any attention is still better than none. |
| The prime minister barely gave the foreign secretary a second glance. She may be too feeble to sack Boris, but she is just about strong enough to ignore him. Besides, this was her time, her moment. Not so long ago, it looked like she could be out of a job within days; now she had been given a stay of execution of at least a few months. Possibly even a year. And she was determined to make the most of every remaining second. So she celebrated in the way she liked best. By taking her time to say little of interest. | The prime minister barely gave the foreign secretary a second glance. She may be too feeble to sack Boris, but she is just about strong enough to ignore him. Besides, this was her time, her moment. Not so long ago, it looked like she could be out of a job within days; now she had been given a stay of execution of at least a few months. Possibly even a year. And she was determined to make the most of every remaining second. So she celebrated in the way she liked best. By taking her time to say little of interest. |
| “I have been clear,” she began. A sentence that invariably indicates she is about to activate the Maybot. Sure enough, what followed was a statement whose only real coherence was its incoherence. The lack of progress in the EU negotiations was a sign of just how much progress had been made. In fact, things were going so well she was now planning for no deal being reached. This was the new dynamic inertia in operation. | “I have been clear,” she began. A sentence that invariably indicates she is about to activate the Maybot. Sure enough, what followed was a statement whose only real coherence was its incoherence. The lack of progress in the EU negotiations was a sign of just how much progress had been made. In fact, things were going so well she was now planning for no deal being reached. This was the new dynamic inertia in operation. |
| Some goals would be the same and some would be different. We would continue to love EU citizens apart from the ones we wanted to be a bit beastly to. Everything would be exactly the same apart from the things that would be a bit different. | Some goals would be the same and some would be different. We would continue to love EU citizens apart from the ones we wanted to be a bit beastly to. Everything would be exactly the same apart from the things that would be a bit different. |
| “We are in an unprecedented position,” she whirred, her irony bypass intact. An unprecedentedly bad position. And one she was determined to make worse. Because what the EU had to realise was that even though it was adamant the ball was in our court, what they had failed to notice was that it was in fact in theirs. Brexit negotiations had come down to Schrodinger’s Ball. Both there and not there. | “We are in an unprecedented position,” she whirred, her irony bypass intact. An unprecedentedly bad position. And one she was determined to make worse. Because what the EU had to realise was that even though it was adamant the ball was in our court, what they had failed to notice was that it was in fact in theirs. Brexit negotiations had come down to Schrodinger’s Ball. Both there and not there. |
| Considerately – though inadvisedly – Jeremy Corbyn chose to try to engage with the Maybot as a sentient being. He pointed out that, to most normal people, the government appeared to have spent the past 15 months squabbling with one another and had made little practical progress on its EU Brexit negotiations. | Considerately – though inadvisedly – Jeremy Corbyn chose to try to engage with the Maybot as a sentient being. He pointed out that, to most normal people, the government appeared to have spent the past 15 months squabbling with one another and had made little practical progress on its EU Brexit negotiations. |
| The Maybot looked puzzled. This did not compute. She had managed to trigger article 50. What more did anyone expect her to have done? Everything was going just fine. Except the bits that weren’t. | The Maybot looked puzzled. This did not compute. She had managed to trigger article 50. What more did anyone expect her to have done? Everything was going just fine. Except the bits that weren’t. |
| Understandably, the Labour benches chose to press the prime minister for more details. How could we be in the single market and the customs union during a transitional arrangement and yet be leaving the single market and the customs union before the transitional arrangements were implemented? How could something be both a thing and not a thing? Schrodinger’s Brexit was rapidly morphing into Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. | Understandably, the Labour benches chose to press the prime minister for more details. How could we be in the single market and the customs union during a transitional arrangement and yet be leaving the single market and the customs union before the transitional arrangements were implemented? How could something be both a thing and not a thing? Schrodinger’s Brexit was rapidly morphing into Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. |
| Not that the Maybot cared one way or the other. She hadn’t made the statement to provide any clarity. She had done so to try to make the Brexiters and the Remainers on her own benches believe she had their interests at heart. And for a while it all went well. | Not that the Maybot cared one way or the other. She hadn’t made the statement to provide any clarity. She had done so to try to make the Brexiters and the Remainers on her own benches believe she had their interests at heart. And for a while it all went well. |
| Nicholas Soames congratulated her on insight, while suggesting she might do better working with a cabinet that didn’t include any of the Brexit negotiating team. Bernard Jenkin congratulated her on her insight and then insisted that any lack of progress must definitely be the EU’s fault. Bernie has yet to find a stick he can find the right end of. | Nicholas Soames congratulated her on insight, while suggesting she might do better working with a cabinet that didn’t include any of the Brexit negotiating team. Bernard Jenkin congratulated her on her insight and then insisted that any lack of progress must definitely be the EU’s fault. Bernie has yet to find a stick he can find the right end of. |
| Then it all went belly up. In a reply to Jacob Rees-Mogg, the prime minister inadvertently let slip that authority of the European court of justice would still apply during transitional arrangements, Rees-Mogg and the Brexiters visibly bridled. This was one of their red lines. And one of Boris’s. The foreign secretary looked like thunder. Though he might offer his support in public, he would soon be on the phone to the Telegraph to say that friends of Boris Johnson said that Boris Johnson was very unhappy. The Maybot’s circle of death was still spinning. | Then it all went belly up. In a reply to Jacob Rees-Mogg, the prime minister inadvertently let slip that authority of the European court of justice would still apply during transitional arrangements, Rees-Mogg and the Brexiters visibly bridled. This was one of their red lines. And one of Boris’s. The foreign secretary looked like thunder. Though he might offer his support in public, he would soon be on the phone to the Telegraph to say that friends of Boris Johnson said that Boris Johnson was very unhappy. The Maybot’s circle of death was still spinning. |
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