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| God give us a few players who can tackle a fish supper | God give us a few players who can tackle a fish supper |
| (25 days later) | |
| I’ve long harboured a suspicion that God has more than a few questions to answer over Scotland’s failure to qualify for a major football tournament since 1998. Gordon Strachan, Scotland’s latest outgoing national team manager, has hinted at this too. Following last Sunday’s latest failure – against Slovenia – Strachan laid the blame squarely on the Almighty. “Genetically, we are behind,” he said. “In the last campaign we were the second smallest, apart from Spain. Maybe we get big women and men together and see what we can do.” I hardly think that encouraging random acts of unsupervised concupiscence between large people is going to endear Scottish football to a creator who traditionally is thought to take a dim view of such things. | I’ve long harboured a suspicion that God has more than a few questions to answer over Scotland’s failure to qualify for a major football tournament since 1998. Gordon Strachan, Scotland’s latest outgoing national team manager, has hinted at this too. Following last Sunday’s latest failure – against Slovenia – Strachan laid the blame squarely on the Almighty. “Genetically, we are behind,” he said. “In the last campaign we were the second smallest, apart from Spain. Maybe we get big women and men together and see what we can do.” I hardly think that encouraging random acts of unsupervised concupiscence between large people is going to endear Scottish football to a creator who traditionally is thought to take a dim view of such things. |
| Strachan believes that Scottish footballers are too short and this means that they find physical challenges more of an exertion than larger opponents. Common sense tells us there is something in this. Obviously a small chap will rarely outjump a taller opponent when the ball requires to be headed. And a wee bloke’s legs have to go like the clappers to move quickly over distance while big, suave French, Italian and Latin boys move gracefully over long distances while hardly seeming to break sweat. England teams are always full of big lads and that’s why they have sensibly fashioned their unique blue sky approach to the game where the ball is rarely allowed to touch the ground. | Strachan believes that Scottish footballers are too short and this means that they find physical challenges more of an exertion than larger opponents. Common sense tells us there is something in this. Obviously a small chap will rarely outjump a taller opponent when the ball requires to be headed. And a wee bloke’s legs have to go like the clappers to move quickly over distance while big, suave French, Italian and Latin boys move gracefully over long distances while hardly seeming to break sweat. England teams are always full of big lads and that’s why they have sensibly fashioned their unique blue sky approach to the game where the ball is rarely allowed to touch the ground. |
| It is commonly agreed that Scottish strikers traditionally encounter difficulty “en frappant la derrière d’une vache avec un banjo” when they play international football. Thus, it’s not human beings you need to genetically modify but the goals themselves. Strachan has been unfairly ridiculed for his genetics lecture but I think his observations are entirely rational. Chillingly, though, I think we are not simply deficient in height but we also have some serious problems in spatial awareness, mental acuity and motor functions. | It is commonly agreed that Scottish strikers traditionally encounter difficulty “en frappant la derrière d’une vache avec un banjo” when they play international football. Thus, it’s not human beings you need to genetically modify but the goals themselves. Strachan has been unfairly ridiculed for his genetics lecture but I think his observations are entirely rational. Chillingly, though, I think we are not simply deficient in height but we also have some serious problems in spatial awareness, mental acuity and motor functions. |
| Being small does not even begin to address the fact that our players exhibit signs of disorientation when they are on the park and seem not to know their position in relation to that of their team-mates. That is why so many passes fail to reach their intended destination. Often it is said that Scottish defenders encounter difficulties in “tackling a fish supper”. I disagree with this, though. Scottish footballers have no difficulty at all in tackling fish suppers; it’s simply that they choose to tackle their fish suppers in the wrong areas of the park. More intelligent and refined players such as Italy’s Franco Baresi and Spain’s Carles Puyol only tackled their fish suppers in areas of the park where it really mattered. This all points to one thing and one thing only: at some point Scotland has severely managed to disenchant the Big Man. | Being small does not even begin to address the fact that our players exhibit signs of disorientation when they are on the park and seem not to know their position in relation to that of their team-mates. That is why so many passes fail to reach their intended destination. Often it is said that Scottish defenders encounter difficulties in “tackling a fish supper”. I disagree with this, though. Scottish footballers have no difficulty at all in tackling fish suppers; it’s simply that they choose to tackle their fish suppers in the wrong areas of the park. More intelligent and refined players such as Italy’s Franco Baresi and Spain’s Carles Puyol only tackled their fish suppers in areas of the park where it really mattered. This all points to one thing and one thing only: at some point Scotland has severely managed to disenchant the Big Man. |
| I’ve often wondered why Scottish football fell out of favour with God. In the 1960s and 70s and 80s we enjoyed a decent relationship with Him, and our top players often formed the backbone of the best clubs in England. We didn’t go in for all that oily and obsequious blessing ourselves and pointing to heaven. A simple handshake and a silent prayer were enough and I think God appreciated that. I like to think that after He invented football He had a soft spot for Scotland’s unfussy and direct approach, while the apostles (a bunch of glory-hunters, if you ask me) probably backed the big Hollywood productions like Brazil, Italy and Germany. | I’ve often wondered why Scottish football fell out of favour with God. In the 1960s and 70s and 80s we enjoyed a decent relationship with Him, and our top players often formed the backbone of the best clubs in England. We didn’t go in for all that oily and obsequious blessing ourselves and pointing to heaven. A simple handshake and a silent prayer were enough and I think God appreciated that. I like to think that after He invented football He had a soft spot for Scotland’s unfussy and direct approach, while the apostles (a bunch of glory-hunters, if you ask me) probably backed the big Hollywood productions like Brazil, Italy and Germany. |
| We must have then done something to displease Him. We stopped producing players like Denis Law, Charlie Cooke, Jimmy Johnstone, Jim Baxter and Billy Bremner. Suddenly players like Chris Iwelumo, Richard Hughes, Chris Martin and Matt Phillips were being born. Suddenly fish suppers weren’t being tackled, bags of cement weren’t being trapped and cows’ arses were no longer being struck by banjos. It was also in the late 1970s that we found the wherewithal to start bringing oil onshore. God doesn’t favour very many countries with the black stuff and I think this was His way of saying that He liked the way we played football. | We must have then done something to displease Him. We stopped producing players like Denis Law, Charlie Cooke, Jimmy Johnstone, Jim Baxter and Billy Bremner. Suddenly players like Chris Iwelumo, Richard Hughes, Chris Martin and Matt Phillips were being born. Suddenly fish suppers weren’t being tackled, bags of cement weren’t being trapped and cows’ arses were no longer being struck by banjos. It was also in the late 1970s that we found the wherewithal to start bringing oil onshore. God doesn’t favour very many countries with the black stuff and I think this was His way of saying that He liked the way we played football. |
| But what did we do with all that oil? Like the prodigal son we squandered it on wine, women and song, or at least its 1980s equivalent: the financial services industry. It’s all very well saying that Margaret Thatcher did it and blaming the English for chiselling us out of the oil profits but we let them do it and didn’t lift a finger consistently voting for parties that were secretly shafting us. And then when we had the opportunity finally to do something about it in 2014 we abased ourselves once more. What sort of self-respecting country always does that? No wonder God’s been pissed off for so long. This was actually worse than squandering your inheritance on having a good time; this was squandering your inheritance on letting someone else have a good time. And I don’t think God likes lickspittles. | But what did we do with all that oil? Like the prodigal son we squandered it on wine, women and song, or at least its 1980s equivalent: the financial services industry. It’s all very well saying that Margaret Thatcher did it and blaming the English for chiselling us out of the oil profits but we let them do it and didn’t lift a finger consistently voting for parties that were secretly shafting us. And then when we had the opportunity finally to do something about it in 2014 we abased ourselves once more. What sort of self-respecting country always does that? No wonder God’s been pissed off for so long. This was actually worse than squandering your inheritance on having a good time; this was squandering your inheritance on letting someone else have a good time. And I don’t think God likes lickspittles. |
| However, I’ve observed a few wee signs recently that God’s attitude to Scotland might be thawing a bit. After all, we did have a right good go during the referendum and lost it narrowly; the Big Man would have been pleased with the effort, application and teamwork. It may even have reminded Him of some of His favourite Scottish teams over the years. And He’ll be happy that we’re opening our doors to the world’s downtrodden peoples and those fleeing persecution. Just the other week Scotland was acclaimed as the most beautiful country in the world. Is this a sign that His heart, like the heart of the prodigal son’s dad, is beginning to melt and that our years of wandering in the wilderness could soon be coming to an end? | However, I’ve observed a few wee signs recently that God’s attitude to Scotland might be thawing a bit. After all, we did have a right good go during the referendum and lost it narrowly; the Big Man would have been pleased with the effort, application and teamwork. It may even have reminded Him of some of His favourite Scottish teams over the years. And He’ll be happy that we’re opening our doors to the world’s downtrodden peoples and those fleeing persecution. Just the other week Scotland was acclaimed as the most beautiful country in the world. Is this a sign that His heart, like the heart of the prodigal son’s dad, is beginning to melt and that our years of wandering in the wilderness could soon be coming to an end? |
| In the meantime though I like the idea of sending over planeloads of our brightest and best young talent to Brazil for the purposes of seeking relationships (committed and long-lasting, of course) with young, sinewy locals who look like they can all tackle fish suppers and trap bags of cement. They would all be armed with prenups to ensure that the offspring of their unions will be reared in Scotland. | In the meantime though I like the idea of sending over planeloads of our brightest and best young talent to Brazil for the purposes of seeking relationships (committed and long-lasting, of course) with young, sinewy locals who look like they can all tackle fish suppers and trap bags of cement. They would all be armed with prenups to ensure that the offspring of their unions will be reared in Scotland. |
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