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All speeches should be shorter but I wouldn't dare tell that to Xi All speeches should be shorter but I wouldn't dare tell that to Xi
(about 1 hour later)
MondayMonday
Warning: one diary entry may be uncharacteristically upbeat with little hint of the writer’s usual predisposition towards depression. Do not be alarmed, normal service will almost certainly be resumed by the end of the week. I sound this note of caution because Cambridge University has now taken to issuing “trigger warnings” to students in advance of lectures to help prevent distress. English students were recently advised that a seminar on Titus Andronicus would contain discussion of sexual violence and sexual assault. Not to mention 14 murders, including the ritual sacrifice of a son by his father. Although the advice stops short of saying “all persons in this play are entirely fictitious and resemblance to person or persons, either living or dead, is entirely coincidental so please do not ring the Crimewatch helpline that has been discontinued because the BBC has killed off the programme”, it does make you wonder how little prior knowledge Cambridge expects of those studying Shakespeare. Does Henry V come with the warning that it may feature battle scenes containing images of graphic violence? Warning: one diary entry may be uncharacteristically upbeat with little hint of the writer’s usual predisposition towards depression. Do not be alarmed, normal service will almost certainly be resumed by the end of the week.
I sound this note of caution because Cambridge University has now taken to issuing “trigger warnings” to students in advance of lectures to help prevent distress. English students were recently advised that a seminar on Titus Andronicus would contain discussion of sexual violence and sexual assault. Not to mention 14 murders, including the ritual sacrifice of a son by his father. Although the advice stops short of saying “all persons in this play are entirely fictitious and resemblance to person or persons, either living or dead, is entirely coincidental so please do not ring the Crimewatch helpline that has been discontinued because the BBC has killed off the programme”, it does make you wonder how little prior knowledge Cambridge expects of those studying Shakespeare. Does Henry V come with the warning that it may feature battle scenes containing images of graphic violence?
TuesdayTuesday
In the past, a 6am flight to a foreign country to watch Spurs play in Europe has been the prelude to several days of questioning the sanity of forking out several hundred pounds to watch my team slide to defeat, prior to being kettled outside the ground by a police force dressed in riot gear that appears disappointed there have been no signs of violence. When I last went to the Bernabeu seven years ago, we were 3-0 down to Real Madrid by half-time as the whole team succumbed to stage fright and my feelings of profound existential futility were in full cry. My expectations weren’t much higher this time round as I climbed my way to the top of the vertiginously steep stand – aptly called the “vomitorio” – allocated to the away fans. Instead, Tottenham managed to more than hold their own and came away with a well-earned draw. Which felt as good as a win. All the money spent and discomfort endured was suddenly worthwhile. Though it did make me question the nature of my support. One of the reasons I’ve always felt a connection to Tottenham is because they can usually be relied on to let you down – they fail, so I don’t have to. Following a successful team requires a completely different mindset. In the past, a 6am flight to a foreign country to watch Spurs play in Europe has been the prelude to several days of questioning the sanity of forking out several hundred pounds to watch my team slide to defeat, prior to being kettled outside the ground by a police force dressed in riot gear that appears disappointed there have been no signs of violence. When I last went to the Bernabeu nearly seven years ago, we lost 4-0 as the whole team succumbed to stage fright and my feelings of profound existential futility were in full cry. My expectations weren’t much higher this time round as I climbed my way to the top of the vertiginously steep stand – aptly called the “vomitorio” – allocated to the away fans. Instead, Tottenham managed to more than hold their own and came away with a well-earned draw. Which felt as good as a win. All the money spent and discomfort endured was suddenly worthwhile. Though it did make me question the nature of my support. One of the reasons I’ve always felt a connection to Tottenham is because they can usually be relied on to let you down – they fail, so I don’t have to. Following a successful team requires a completely different mindset.
WednesdayWednesday
The Conservative MP Tim Loughton has told Radio 5 Live that he likes to spend at least an hour in the bath every day to help “compose his thoughts”. Keeping the hot water topped up to the required temperature has cost the taxpayer £662 in expense claims, according to reports, but I can’t say I’ve seen much sign of the bath’s restorative powers judging by Loughton’s recent contributions to political discourse. Loughton is chair of the all-party parliamentary group on mindfulness and he has much to be mindful of. Two years ago he was the campaign manager for Andrea Leadsom’s unsuccessful leadership bid and his crowning moment came after Leadsom had given a talk billed as “a major speech on the economy” that lasted well under 20 minutes and didn’t mention the economy once. When the speech ended, Loughton lead a protest march of 20 people to parliament, shouting: “Who do we want? Andrea Leadsom! When do we want her? Sometime around September!” We still have a #RALLY4LEADSOM T-shirt in the Guardian office in Westminster. It’s a collector’s item.The Conservative MP Tim Loughton has told Radio 5 Live that he likes to spend at least an hour in the bath every day to help “compose his thoughts”. Keeping the hot water topped up to the required temperature has cost the taxpayer £662 in expense claims, according to reports, but I can’t say I’ve seen much sign of the bath’s restorative powers judging by Loughton’s recent contributions to political discourse. Loughton is chair of the all-party parliamentary group on mindfulness and he has much to be mindful of. Two years ago he was the campaign manager for Andrea Leadsom’s unsuccessful leadership bid and his crowning moment came after Leadsom had given a talk billed as “a major speech on the economy” that lasted well under 20 minutes and didn’t mention the economy once. When the speech ended, Loughton lead a protest march of 20 people to parliament, shouting: “Who do we want? Andrea Leadsom! When do we want her? Sometime around September!” We still have a #RALLY4LEADSOM T-shirt in the Guardian office in Westminster. It’s a collector’s item.
ThursdayThursday
As political sketch writer, I get to hear more speeches than most. And I can’t yet think of one that wouldn’t have been improved by being a bit shorter. Even those that go down a storm, like Jeremy Corbyn’s speech at this year’s Labour party conference. Shortly after it ended, one of Corbyn’s senior advisers asked me what I had thought of it. “You honestly want to know?” I said. Apparently he did. So I told him it would make everyone’s life a lot easier if he could cut next year’s speech down from 75 to 45 minutes. “Noted, John,” said the adviser. I think he meant it, too. I’m not sure if I would have quite had the nerve to say the same thing to Xi Jinping’s team after the Chinese president marked his first term in office with a speech lasting three hours and 23 minutes. Mind you, delegates might have had a clue they were in for a marathon when they saw the title of the speech. “Secure a decisive victory in building a moderately prosperous society in all respects and strive for the great success of socialism with Chinese characteristics for a new era” isn’t exactly punchy. As political sketch writer, I get to hear more speeches than most. And I can’t yet think of one that wouldn’t have been improved by being a bit shorter. Even those that go down a storm, such as Jeremy Corbyn’s speech at this year’s Labour party conference. Shortly after it ended, one of Corbyn’s senior advisers asked me what I had thought of it. “You honestly want to know?” I said. Apparently he did. So I told him it would make everyone’s life a lot easier if he could cut next year’s speech down from 75 to 45 minutes. “Noted, John,” said the adviser. I think he meant it, too. I’m not sure if I would have quite had the nerve to say the same thing to Xi Jinping’s team after the Chinese president marked his first term in office with a speech lasting three hours and 23 minutes. Mind you, delegates might have had a clue they were in for a marathon when they saw the title of the speech. “Secure a decisive victory in building a moderately prosperous society in all respects and strive for the great success of socialism with Chinese characteristics for a new era” isn’t exactly punchy.
FridayFriday
This morning I got a message from Facebook informing me they had kindly compiled a video highlights package to celebrate my nine years of friendship with Robbie and that, if I wanted to, I could share it with all my other friends. After giving this almost no thought whatsoever, I decided against it. For one thing, I rarely bother to post anything on Facebook as I find it hard to believe anyone on it is in the slightest bit interested in anything I am doing, since my life tends to follow a very ordered routine. A combination of wake up, go to work, come home, go to the gym, watch TV, go to the football. Anyone who really knows me well can pretty much guess what I’ll be doing at any given point of the week. I am that dull. But there is also another reason why I chose not to post the Facebook video: Robbie is my 21-year-old son, and I like to think we have been friends for rather longer than nine years. This morning I got a message from Facebook informing me it had kindly compiled a video highlights package to celebrate my nine years of friendship with Robbie and that, if I wanted to, I could share it with all my other friends. After giving this almost no thought whatsoever, I decided against it. For one thing, I rarely bother to post anything on Facebook as I find it hard to believe anyone on it is in the slightest bit interested in anything I am doing, since my life tends to follow a very ordered routine. A combination of wake up, go to work, come home, go to the gym, watch TV, go to the football. Anyone who really knows me well can pretty much guess what I’ll be doing at any given point of the week. I am that dull. But there is also another reason why I chose not to post the Facebook video: Robbie is my 21-year-old son, and I like to think we have been friends for rather longer than nine years.
Digested week, digested: Universal discredit.Digested week, digested: Universal discredit.