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| Jet-set Boris's 'flying buttress' Brexit plan brought to ground | Jet-set Boris's 'flying buttress' Brexit plan brought to ground |
| (3 months later) | |
| Johnson sought to conjure a vision of Britain propping up an imperilled EU, but it was his metaphors that collapsed | |
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| Wed 1 Nov 2017 19.23 GMT | |
| Last modified on Mon 27 Nov 2017 14.29 GMT | |
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| It had been more than a year since Boris Johnson last appeared before the foreign affairs select committee, and he was determined to recount his Blue Planet adventures. Brazil. Beautiful country, lovely people. Estonia. Lovely country, beautiful people ... | It had been more than a year since Boris Johnson last appeared before the foreign affairs select committee, and he was determined to recount his Blue Planet adventures. Brazil. Beautiful country, lovely people. Estonia. Lovely country, beautiful people ... |
| “We’ve only got two hours,” interrupted Tom Tugendhat, the committee chairperson, rolling his eyes. | “We’ve only got two hours,” interrupted Tom Tugendhat, the committee chairperson, rolling his eyes. |
| Boris took no notice. He’d started so he’d finish. He was on a mission. Not just to talk the committee through every one of the 52 countries he had visited, but to steamroller Tugendhat. The committee chair has been widely tipped as a potential successor to Theresa May and there was no way Boris was giving up his claims on the top job without a fight. No one was going to dictate to him in this committee. For the next two hours the stage would be his and his alone. His narcissism could brook no challenge. | Boris took no notice. He’d started so he’d finish. He was on a mission. Not just to talk the committee through every one of the 52 countries he had visited, but to steamroller Tugendhat. The committee chair has been widely tipped as a potential successor to Theresa May and there was no way Boris was giving up his claims on the top job without a fight. No one was going to dictate to him in this committee. For the next two hours the stage would be his and his alone. His narcissism could brook no challenge. |
| Having worked his way through Mauritania and Mongolia, Boris was eventually forced to draw breath before moving on to the Ns. Conservative Nadhim Zahawi took advantage of the pause to ask the foreign secretary if he could reduce his opening monologue to his greatest hits. | Having worked his way through Mauritania and Mongolia, Boris was eventually forced to draw breath before moving on to the Ns. Conservative Nadhim Zahawi took advantage of the pause to ask the foreign secretary if he could reduce his opening monologue to his greatest hits. |
| There were so many, Boris wasn’t sure exactly where to start. But on reflection, he felt that his timely intervention to contradict the prime minister’s Florence speech had been crucial in providing new impetus to the Brexit negotiations. Thanks to him, things were now muddier than ever. Opacity was the only clarity the EU really understood. | There were so many, Boris wasn’t sure exactly where to start. But on reflection, he felt that his timely intervention to contradict the prime minister’s Florence speech had been crucial in providing new impetus to the Brexit negotiations. Thanks to him, things were now muddier than ever. Opacity was the only clarity the EU really understood. |
| At this point, Labour’s Mike Gapes wisely chose to go back to first principles. How much planning had gone in to Britain’s future relationship with the EU prior to the referendum? Absolutely none, Boris declared proudly. That was exactly the kind of schoolboy error that could could have persuaded people to vote remain. | At this point, Labour’s Mike Gapes wisely chose to go back to first principles. How much planning had gone in to Britain’s future relationship with the EU prior to the referendum? Absolutely none, Boris declared proudly. That was exactly the kind of schoolboy error that could could have persuaded people to vote remain. |
| It soon emerged that next to no Brexit preparations had been made after the referendum either. Did we want to remain an observer of the EU political and security committee, Gapes continued. “Um ... er ... these are very important things,” Boris blustered, teasing his hair into blonde peaks. Um ... er ... he really didn’t have a clue. If pushed, his gut feeling was that it would be very difficult to remain. But there again, it might not. | It soon emerged that next to no Brexit preparations had been made after the referendum either. Did we want to remain an observer of the EU political and security committee, Gapes continued. “Um ... er ... these are very important things,” Boris blustered, teasing his hair into blonde peaks. Um ... er ... he really didn’t have a clue. If pushed, his gut feeling was that it would be very difficult to remain. But there again, it might not. |
| “So after 16 months we are no clearer what we want from the EU,” said a bewildered Gapes. “If we don’t know what we want, how is the rest of the EU supposed to?” | “So after 16 months we are no clearer what we want from the EU,” said a bewildered Gapes. “If we don’t know what we want, how is the rest of the EU supposed to?” |
| “Let me put it another way ...” Boris bumbled. Here was the thing. Sometimes it was far better to negotiate without a plan. If we went to Brussels with a list of things we wanted, the EU wouldn’t like it at all. They would think we were a pushy “demandeuse”. So the best plan was to have no plan. That way the EU would eventually come to telepathically realise they need us more than we need them. | “Let me put it another way ...” Boris bumbled. Here was the thing. Sometimes it was far better to negotiate without a plan. If we went to Brussels with a list of things we wanted, the EU wouldn’t like it at all. They would think we were a pushy “demandeuse”. So the best plan was to have no plan. That way the EU would eventually come to telepathically realise they need us more than we need them. |
| Just in case there was anyone left in the room who wasn’t as confused as him, Boris chose to say he thought we would be planning to remain in the EU defence agencies. “So you’re now effectively putting yourself forward as a demandeuse, after all?” Tugendhat observed. | Just in case there was anyone left in the room who wasn’t as confused as him, Boris chose to say he thought we would be planning to remain in the EU defence agencies. “So you’re now effectively putting yourself forward as a demandeuse, after all?” Tugendhat observed. |
| Boris manspread himself further across the committee room table. Try to think of Britain as a flying buttress, he ad-libbed. Propping up an EU in danger of imminent collapse. Or a metaphor in danger of imminent collapse. | Boris manspread himself further across the committee room table. Try to think of Britain as a flying buttress, he ad-libbed. Propping up an EU in danger of imminent collapse. Or a metaphor in danger of imminent collapse. |
| “The whole point of a flying buttress is that it comes into contact with the church,” Labour’s Chris Bryant pointed out. So how did Boris imagine we would be both in and out of the EU at the same time? Tugendhat was equally nonplussed. “So the buttress will be English and they will be talking French and German inside the kirk,” he said. | “The whole point of a flying buttress is that it comes into contact with the church,” Labour’s Chris Bryant pointed out. So how did Boris imagine we would be both in and out of the EU at the same time? Tugendhat was equally nonplussed. “So the buttress will be English and they will be talking French and German inside the kirk,” he said. |
| Wrong, wrong, wrong, Boris blustered. The French and Germans were very good at speaking English, so there would be English spoken inside as well as out. Besides which, even if we weren’t in the room with the EU, we could possibly be in a nearby room with our ears pressed to the wall. | Wrong, wrong, wrong, Boris blustered. The French and Germans were very good at speaking English, so there would be English spoken inside as well as out. Besides which, even if we weren’t in the room with the EU, we could possibly be in a nearby room with our ears pressed to the wall. |
| On that surreal note, most members of the committee put their heads in their hands and prayed for a quick death. They had now got a taste of how the EU negotiators must feel and they weren’t enjoying it. They sat through the rest of the session impassively as Boris inadvertently let slip we would be screwed by the US in trade deals before ending by comparing himself to Hera, Aphrodite and Artemis. | On that surreal note, most members of the committee put their heads in their hands and prayed for a quick death. They had now got a taste of how the EU negotiators must feel and they weren’t enjoying it. They sat through the rest of the session impassively as Boris inadvertently let slip we would be screwed by the US in trade deals before ending by comparing himself to Hera, Aphrodite and Artemis. |
| “Telling jokes is often an effective way of getting your diplomatic point across,” he concluded. Not always. This one didn’t get a single laugh. | “Telling jokes is often an effective way of getting your diplomatic point across,” he concluded. Not always. This one didn’t get a single laugh. |
| John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3, go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. | John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3, go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. |
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