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| Cradle of democracy? Westminster is more like Goodfellas without the guns | Cradle of democracy? Westminster is more like Goodfellas without the guns |
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| Gropes, plots and blackmail as standard: this week revealed a politics far removed from societal norms | |
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| Fri 3 Nov 2017 18.10 GMT | |
| Last modified on Mon 27 Nov 2017 14.21 GMT | |
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| The Conservatives seem to have been staging the last scene of Hamlet for over a year now. I’m not quite sure how everyone isn’t dead yet, but it now wouldn’t be remotely out of place if someone announced: “Following a number of allegations about their behaviour on the trip to England, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are suspended.” | The Conservatives seem to have been staging the last scene of Hamlet for over a year now. I’m not quite sure how everyone isn’t dead yet, but it now wouldn’t be remotely out of place if someone announced: “Following a number of allegations about their behaviour on the trip to England, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are suspended.” |
| This week it was farewell to the Tories’ dead cat specialist Michael Fallon, who seems finally to have rubbed up against a crisis beyond even his diversionary skills. “The culture has changed over the years,” the erstwhile defence secretary told the BBC. “What might have been acceptable 15, 10 years ago is clearly not acceptable now.” Oh. If you’re adjusting your records, the notion of groping was invented in 2007. Before then, it was just great sex. Hope you got some before the killjoys ruined it. | This week it was farewell to the Tories’ dead cat specialist Michael Fallon, who seems finally to have rubbed up against a crisis beyond even his diversionary skills. “The culture has changed over the years,” the erstwhile defence secretary told the BBC. “What might have been acceptable 15, 10 years ago is clearly not acceptable now.” Oh. If you’re adjusting your records, the notion of groping was invented in 2007. Before then, it was just great sex. Hope you got some before the killjoys ruined it. |
| Even so, I wasn’t sure that was the last we’d be seeing of Fallon – the character could always have been brought back suffering from amnesia (though now played by Emma Samms). Luckily, there was plenty more where that came from – as the cabinet minister said to the female – and by the time Andrea Leadsom had relayed Fallon’s apparent offer to warm her hands on his penis (denied), it was goodbye and not au revoir. | Even so, I wasn’t sure that was the last we’d be seeing of Fallon – the character could always have been brought back suffering from amnesia (though now played by Emma Samms). Luckily, there was plenty more where that came from – as the cabinet minister said to the female – and by the time Andrea Leadsom had relayed Fallon’s apparent offer to warm her hands on his penis (denied), it was goodbye and not au revoir. |
| As Michael’s own resignation letter … reasoned, is it? … he had “fallen below the high standards that we require of the armed forces that I have the honour to represent”. Naturally he couldn’t leave without one last wistful bit of military frottage, a reminder of the particular spell that proximity to killing machines holds over a certain breed of alpha-curious Westminster man. You only have to look at the little faces of Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell in the photos with Gerry Adams to conclude that they’d have been almost erotically impressed by the whiff of cordite. | As Michael’s own resignation letter … reasoned, is it? … he had “fallen below the high standards that we require of the armed forces that I have the honour to represent”. Naturally he couldn’t leave without one last wistful bit of military frottage, a reminder of the particular spell that proximity to killing machines holds over a certain breed of alpha-curious Westminster man. You only have to look at the little faces of Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell in the photos with Gerry Adams to conclude that they’d have been almost erotically impressed by the whiff of cordite. |
| Westminster today is like the England cricket team: people don’t know half the names any more | Westminster today is like the England cricket team: people don’t know half the names any more |
| And so to Gavin Williamson, Fallon’s replacement in the cabinet role David Cronenberg would be most likely to make a movie about. Until Thursday, I hadn’t really heard much about him. Westminster today is like the England cricket team: people don’t know half the names any more. It’s as if the terrestrial rights to politics were lost and it’s become just another thing Murdoch has paywalled into monied obscurity. | And so to Gavin Williamson, Fallon’s replacement in the cabinet role David Cronenberg would be most likely to make a movie about. Until Thursday, I hadn’t really heard much about him. Westminster today is like the England cricket team: people don’t know half the names any more. It’s as if the terrestrial rights to politics were lost and it’s become just another thing Murdoch has paywalled into monied obscurity. |
| We’re catching up now, though, learning that Gavin is the sort of legend-in-his-own-lunchtime who stagily keeps a tarantula named Cronus in his office. In Greek myth, Cronus castrated his own father to win power and ate his own children to keep it, making him a little too wet for the Conservative whips’ office. They prefer people who really “want it”. | We’re catching up now, though, learning that Gavin is the sort of legend-in-his-own-lunchtime who stagily keeps a tarantula named Cronus in his office. In Greek myth, Cronus castrated his own father to win power and ate his own children to keep it, making him a little too wet for the Conservative whips’ office. They prefer people who really “want it”. |
| Gavin certainly seems to be one of those, to judge by the uniformly outraged takes on his appointment. He was described as “the most loathed person in the parliamentary party” by one Conservative MP, which for many has the impact of being described as “really quite unpleasant” by Ted Bundy. | Gavin certainly seems to be one of those, to judge by the uniformly outraged takes on his appointment. He was described as “the most loathed person in the parliamentary party” by one Conservative MP, which for many has the impact of being described as “really quite unpleasant” by Ted Bundy. |
| In the years after Michael Lewis wrote Liars’ Poker – one of the definitive accounts of 80s Wall Street culture – he was amazed at how many young guys would tell him they’d become traders because of it. Instead of viewing it as a cautionary morality tale, they saw it as a riotous instruction manual. There has now been something of this point-missing to several generations of whips, who saw the original House of Cards as aspirational. Make no mistake, ladies, the whips have always wanted you to tell them about your horrible experiences. “Your sexual assault complaint is important to us – but only because we need it to leverage your assaulter in the universal credit vote.” | In the years after Michael Lewis wrote Liars’ Poker – one of the definitive accounts of 80s Wall Street culture – he was amazed at how many young guys would tell him they’d become traders because of it. Instead of viewing it as a cautionary morality tale, they saw it as a riotous instruction manual. There has now been something of this point-missing to several generations of whips, who saw the original House of Cards as aspirational. Make no mistake, ladies, the whips have always wanted you to tell them about your horrible experiences. “Your sexual assault complaint is important to us – but only because we need it to leverage your assaulter in the universal credit vote.” |
| For many onlookers, the glimpse of Westminster’s processes that the current scandal has offered illustrates how removed politics has become from what you’d hope might be societal norms. Perhaps it’s like the bit in Goodfellas where Karen explains how the world of the mafia closes around her. “I mean, there were never any outsiders around. Absolutely never. And being together all the time made everything seem all the more normal.” | For many onlookers, the glimpse of Westminster’s processes that the current scandal has offered illustrates how removed politics has become from what you’d hope might be societal norms. Perhaps it’s like the bit in Goodfellas where Karen explains how the world of the mafia closes around her. “I mean, there were never any outsiders around. Absolutely never. And being together all the time made everything seem all the more normal.” |
| Many people are only just learning that the endlessly self-styled vicar’s daughter Theresa May listens to a weekly whips’ briefing nicknamed “the ins and outs”, which lumps together office romances and abuses of power, all of which seem to be regarded as irritating at worst, and useful information at best. I guess after a while it all gets to feel … normal. | Many people are only just learning that the endlessly self-styled vicar’s daughter Theresa May listens to a weekly whips’ briefing nicknamed “the ins and outs”, which lumps together office romances and abuses of power, all of which seem to be regarded as irritating at worst, and useful information at best. I guess after a while it all gets to feel … normal. |
| This skewed moral code is so ingrained that Fallon presumably didn’t even notice it was implicit in his own stated reason for resignation. He is resigning his cabinet job because he believes he’s fallen short of the high standards we demand of squaddies; so we can only infer he is still miles above the level where he might consider his position as an elected MP. | This skewed moral code is so ingrained that Fallon presumably didn’t even notice it was implicit in his own stated reason for resignation. He is resigning his cabinet job because he believes he’s fallen short of the high standards we demand of squaddies; so we can only infer he is still miles above the level where he might consider his position as an elected MP. |
| If more revelations do emerge, I hope Fallon clings on to his seat by comparing himself favourably with the standards of increasingly loathed professional groups. “I have yet to fall short of the high standards demanded by estate agents.” “I have yet to fall short of the high standards demanded by journalists.” That way, he’ll really only have to force a byelection when he falls short of the high standards demanded by convicted sex pests. | If more revelations do emerge, I hope Fallon clings on to his seat by comparing himself favourably with the standards of increasingly loathed professional groups. “I have yet to fall short of the high standards demanded by estate agents.” “I have yet to fall short of the high standards demanded by journalists.” That way, he’ll really only have to force a byelection when he falls short of the high standards demanded by convicted sex pests. |
| As for Labour, from whom there is certainly more to come, despite the views of various deluded partisans, I read MP John Mann is to present a plan of action to the parliamentary Labour party on Monday. This reportedly includes a proposal to ban Labour MPs from a Westminster bar in which younger staff socialise. Oh dear. If you get to the point where you regard your MPs as so potentially dangerous they have to be segregated from places young people might be, your problems surely run a little deeper than is currently being acknowledged. | As for Labour, from whom there is certainly more to come, despite the views of various deluded partisans, I read MP John Mann is to present a plan of action to the parliamentary Labour party on Monday. This reportedly includes a proposal to ban Labour MPs from a Westminster bar in which younger staff socialise. Oh dear. If you get to the point where you regard your MPs as so potentially dangerous they have to be segregated from places young people might be, your problems surely run a little deeper than is currently being acknowledged. |
| All told, it’s not hard to see an already nasty Westminster business descending into the sex pest take on Stalingrad, where the fighting rages seat-to-seat while the opposing commanders develop nervous tics. Expect the return of Theresa May’s cough. “Thank you for coming to my road,” wittered Jeremy Corbyn, meanwhile, to reporters asking him why he’d promoted Kelvin Hopkins to his front bench despite both Labour’s chief whip and his own office knowing about a sexual misconduct complaint about him. | All told, it’s not hard to see an already nasty Westminster business descending into the sex pest take on Stalingrad, where the fighting rages seat-to-seat while the opposing commanders develop nervous tics. Expect the return of Theresa May’s cough. “Thank you for coming to my road,” wittered Jeremy Corbyn, meanwhile, to reporters asking him why he’d promoted Kelvin Hopkins to his front bench despite both Labour’s chief whip and his own office knowing about a sexual misconduct complaint about him. |
| What times these are. That this has all been going on for years, and yet is suddenly an outrage, feels like just another symptom of what we might wryly call Weimar Mayism: a period of immense social, political and ideological volatility and upheaval where change is coming so rapidly that the old apparatus can’t keep up. On it goes – though quite how long it can without cataclysm is unclear. | What times these are. That this has all been going on for years, and yet is suddenly an outrage, feels like just another symptom of what we might wryly call Weimar Mayism: a period of immense social, political and ideological volatility and upheaval where change is coming so rapidly that the old apparatus can’t keep up. On it goes – though quite how long it can without cataclysm is unclear. |
| • Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist | • Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist |
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