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| Victory in non-league PMQs brings out the trademark Maybot gurn | Victory in non-league PMQs brings out the trademark Maybot gurn |
| (2 months later) | |
| Corbyn decided it had been a quiet few weeks in politics and so gave the PM a few easy shots to lift her party’s spirits | |
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| Wed 15 Nov 2017 17.51 GMT | |
| Last modified on Mon 27 Nov 2017 13.42 GMT | |
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| It had been two weeks since Jeremy Corbyn had last faced the prime minister at the dispatch box and he was struggling to remember if anything of any importance had happened in the intervening period. He opened his diary and began to idly flick through its pages. | It had been two weeks since Jeremy Corbyn had last faced the prime minister at the dispatch box and he was struggling to remember if anything of any importance had happened in the intervening period. He opened his diary and began to idly flick through its pages. |
| Michael Fallon. Removed for being a sexual harasser. Priti Patel. Sacked for being a freelance foreign policy fantasist. Damian Green. Under investigation over porn on his work computer. Boris Johnson. Under investigation for being Boris Johnson. The EU negotiations still deadlocked. The Tory party at war with each other over Brexit. Nah. Much as the Labour leader had suspected, it had been a quiet time in politics. | Michael Fallon. Removed for being a sexual harasser. Priti Patel. Sacked for being a freelance foreign policy fantasist. Damian Green. Under investigation over porn on his work computer. Boris Johnson. Under investigation for being Boris Johnson. The EU negotiations still deadlocked. The Tory party at war with each other over Brexit. Nah. Much as the Labour leader had suspected, it had been a quiet time in politics. |
| Just as well really. Because Corbyn was in a giving mood. He’d noticed Theresa had been looking a bit glum recently so he would do her a favour and give her a bit of a break. Time to put his money where his mouth was and show a “kinder, gentler politics”. Besides which, she was far more use to him inside No 10 than out. Far better to have a dead woman walking in office than have to deal with someone who might turn out to be marginally more competent. Or Boris. | Just as well really. Because Corbyn was in a giving mood. He’d noticed Theresa had been looking a bit glum recently so he would do her a favour and give her a bit of a break. Time to put his money where his mouth was and show a “kinder, gentler politics”. Besides which, she was far more use to him inside No 10 than out. Far better to have a dead woman walking in office than have to deal with someone who might turn out to be marginally more competent. Or Boris. |
| Theresa couldn’t believe her luck when Jeremy’s first question was on the crime figures. The Four Pot Plants had spent the whole morning coaching her on cabinet and Brexit chaos and she’d screwed it up every time, but crime was a piece of piss. Corbyn said it was going up and all she had to do was say it was going down. No one would care if she was wrong. Simples. Even a five-year-old could get the hang of this. | Theresa couldn’t believe her luck when Jeremy’s first question was on the crime figures. The Four Pot Plants had spent the whole morning coaching her on cabinet and Brexit chaos and she’d screwed it up every time, but crime was a piece of piss. Corbyn said it was going up and all she had to do was say it was going down. No one would care if she was wrong. Simples. Even a five-year-old could get the hang of this. |
| She didn’t even bat an eyelid when the Labour leader brought up the foreign secretary’s tweets about the closure of the police station in his Uxbridge constituency. That was all the fault of the Labour London mayor. By now, she was even beginning to feel confident enough to attempt one of her trademark Maybot gurns. Pot Plant Four put its leaves over its head. It had specifically told Theresa not to do that. Nothing emphasised the essential artificiality and disengagement of the prime minister more than her efforts to appear personable. Or even alive. | She didn’t even bat an eyelid when the Labour leader brought up the foreign secretary’s tweets about the closure of the police station in his Uxbridge constituency. That was all the fault of the Labour London mayor. By now, she was even beginning to feel confident enough to attempt one of her trademark Maybot gurns. Pot Plant Four put its leaves over its head. It had specifically told Theresa not to do that. Nothing emphasised the essential artificiality and disengagement of the prime minister more than her efforts to appear personable. Or even alive. |
| “Let me be very clear,” she said. Pot Plant Two cringed. Everyone knew that when the prime minister prefaced a sentence with “Let me be very clear” it was a sure sign she was about to start getting hopelessly confused. Sure enough, Theresa went on to suggest there were more policemen in London than anywhere else in London. She knew this for a fact because there was always a policeman outside her front door and she had been reliably informed by the home secretary that under this Conservative government everyone had a policeman outside their front door. | “Let me be very clear,” she said. Pot Plant Two cringed. Everyone knew that when the prime minister prefaced a sentence with “Let me be very clear” it was a sure sign she was about to start getting hopelessly confused. Sure enough, Theresa went on to suggest there were more policemen in London than anywhere else in London. She knew this for a fact because there was always a policeman outside her front door and she had been reliably informed by the home secretary that under this Conservative government everyone had a policeman outside their front door. |
| Corbyn just let this pass and moved on to fire sprinklers. Theresa checked her notes. Yes, she was definitely in favour of them and no one was doing more to fit them than her. This didn’t entirely square with his information, but Corbyn wasn’t going to make a big deal of it. Though he knew he was better off sticking to one subject and backing the prime minister on to the ropes, sometimes it was more fun just to play his greatest hits. | Corbyn just let this pass and moved on to fire sprinklers. Theresa checked her notes. Yes, she was definitely in favour of them and no one was doing more to fit them than her. This didn’t entirely square with his information, but Corbyn wasn’t going to make a big deal of it. Though he knew he was better off sticking to one subject and backing the prime minister on to the ropes, sometimes it was more fun just to play his greatest hits. |
| Universal credits? Theresa nodded eagerly. Universal credits were going just fine. The NHS? Never in better health. Waiting lists were just a sign of people living longer. Schools? No government had ever spent more money on underfunding education. Tax dodging? Yes, please. Lord Ashcroft was doing just fine. Corbyn was on auto-pilot and so was Theresa. | Universal credits? Theresa nodded eagerly. Universal credits were going just fine. The NHS? Never in better health. Waiting lists were just a sign of people living longer. Schools? No government had ever spent more money on underfunding education. Tax dodging? Yes, please. Lord Ashcroft was doing just fine. Corbyn was on auto-pilot and so was Theresa. |
| After weeks of seeing their leader outclassed at PMQs, the Tory backbenchers became increasingly animated. It might have only been the equivalent of a non-league fixture, but a win was a win. Victories have been few and far between for the Tories both inside and out of the Commons in recent months. | After weeks of seeing their leader outclassed at PMQs, the Tory backbenchers became increasingly animated. It might have only been the equivalent of a non-league fixture, but a win was a win. Victories have been few and far between for the Tories both inside and out of the Commons in recent months. |
| Not even Tory Michael Tomlinson inviting her to condemn the Telegraph headline branding Conservative remainers as “Brexit Mutineers” could unsettle Theresa. “There are strong views on each side,” she observed. Though not on hers. She still didn’t really know what she thought. | Not even Tory Michael Tomlinson inviting her to condemn the Telegraph headline branding Conservative remainers as “Brexit Mutineers” could unsettle Theresa. “There are strong views on each side,” she observed. Though not on hers. She still didn’t really know what she thought. |
| Pot Plant Three breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God, she didn’t slag off the Telegraph,” it muttered. “It and the Daily Mail are just about the only things keeping us all in No 10.” | Pot Plant Three breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God, she didn’t slag off the Telegraph,” it muttered. “It and the Daily Mail are just about the only things keeping us all in No 10.” |
| “Don’t forget me,” said Corbyn. | “Don’t forget me,” said Corbyn. |
| John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3,go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. | John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3,go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. |
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