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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
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| No contest: Thornberry has Damian Green on the ropes from the off at PMQs | No contest: Thornberry has Damian Green on the ropes from the off at PMQs |
| (about 1 month later) | |
| With Theresa May off on her travels in the Middle East trying to persuade the Saudis not to use the £3bn of weapons we sell them against the Yemeni people, prime ministers questions was left in the hands of the deputies. In the red corner we had Emily Thornberry, in the blue Damian Green. | With Theresa May off on her travels in the Middle East trying to persuade the Saudis not to use the £3bn of weapons we sell them against the Yemeni people, prime ministers questions was left in the hands of the deputies. In the red corner we had Emily Thornberry, in the blue Damian Green. |
| It was no contest. Thornberry wasn’t at her very best, fluffing her lines on occasions, but then she didn’t need to be. Even on a good day Green is a one-man black hole, sucking the energy out of every room he enters. And the first secretary of state hasn’t had any good days since he was investigated over claims he touched women’s legs and had porn on his office computer. | It was no contest. Thornberry wasn’t at her very best, fluffing her lines on occasions, but then she didn’t need to be. Even on a good day Green is a one-man black hole, sucking the energy out of every room he enters. And the first secretary of state hasn’t had any good days since he was investigated over claims he touched women’s legs and had porn on his office computer. |
| Right from the moment he arrived in the chamber, Green looked as if he would rather be anywhere else. His expression was even more hang-dog than usual and he could barely bring himself to look anyone in the eye. He was damned if he did turn up and damned if he let someone else face the music. The best he could hope for was damage limitation. | Right from the moment he arrived in the chamber, Green looked as if he would rather be anywhere else. His expression was even more hang-dog than usual and he could barely bring himself to look anyone in the eye. He was damned if he did turn up and damned if he let someone else face the music. The best he could hope for was damage limitation. |
| Thornberry had clearly come determined to enjoy every moment of Green’s discomfort. After starting with a couple of decent gags about the royal wedding and her own white van man embarrassment – unlike Jeremy Corbyn, she has the self-confidence to laugh at herself – she delivered a one-line question. Was the minister happy to be held to the same standards in government that he required of others in opposition? | Thornberry had clearly come determined to enjoy every moment of Green’s discomfort. After starting with a couple of decent gags about the royal wedding and her own white van man embarrassment – unlike Jeremy Corbyn, she has the self-confidence to laugh at herself – she delivered a one-line question. Was the minister happy to be held to the same standards in government that he required of others in opposition? |
| Many MPs shuffled in their seats and the last remaining traces of colour drained from Green’s face. This was his worst nightmare. Forty-five minutes of humiliating innuendo. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He tried again and managed to locate a few vestiges of language. “Um... er...,” he croaked. “I think that um... all ministers should respect er... and obey the ministerial code um... and I absolutely think that er... is a very important part of confidence in public life.” Green sat down, closed his eyes and waited for his life to further unravel. | Many MPs shuffled in their seats and the last remaining traces of colour drained from Green’s face. This was his worst nightmare. Forty-five minutes of humiliating innuendo. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He tried again and managed to locate a few vestiges of language. “Um... er...,” he croaked. “I think that um... all ministers should respect er... and obey the ministerial code um... and I absolutely think that er... is a very important part of confidence in public life.” Green sat down, closed his eyes and waited for his life to further unravel. |
| Kerching! Thornberry had her money shot and she’d barely even started. “The first secretary of state looked rather perturbed at my line of questioning, but he does not need to worry,” she smiled. “I really am not going there.” Though, there was exactly where she had gone. There wasn’t a person in the Commons who wasn’t now thinking about the investigation. | Kerching! Thornberry had her money shot and she’d barely even started. “The first secretary of state looked rather perturbed at my line of questioning, but he does not need to worry,” she smiled. “I really am not going there.” Though, there was exactly where she had gone. There wasn’t a person in the Commons who wasn’t now thinking about the investigation. |
| With Green right where she wanted him – on the ropes – the shadow foreign secretary switched tack and reminded him of the question he had asked 17 years ago when John Prescott stood in for Tony Blair. What percentage of the new nurses recruited in the past 12 months were still working full time? | With Green right where she wanted him – on the ropes – the shadow foreign secretary switched tack and reminded him of the question he had asked 17 years ago when John Prescott stood in for Tony Blair. What percentage of the new nurses recruited in the past 12 months were still working full time? |
| The mouth opened and closed again as the brain refused to engage. Green really didn’t have a clue. He too was just thinking about that investigation. He made a feeble effort to concentrate. “Um... er,” he mumbled before going on to answer an entirely different question. | The mouth opened and closed again as the brain refused to engage. Green really didn’t have a clue. He too was just thinking about that investigation. He made a feeble effort to concentrate. “Um... er,” he mumbled before going on to answer an entirely different question. |
| Thereafter, Green was pretty much done for. Thornberry could even afford a few of her own lapses of concentration as she challenged the government’s record on the NHS, as Green never even began to start playing catch-up. He was somehow managing to make Theresa May look competent at PMQs. Then this session had never been about the text. The subtext was all. | Thereafter, Green was pretty much done for. Thornberry could even afford a few of her own lapses of concentration as she challenged the government’s record on the NHS, as Green never even began to start playing catch-up. He was somehow managing to make Theresa May look competent at PMQs. Then this session had never been about the text. The subtext was all. |
| It took Labour’s John Mann to say the unsayable. Did the minister agree that parliament needed to lead by example? And would he, on behalf of the government, apologise to the victims of sexual harassment that parliament and the government have been letting down? Green stared vacantly ahead. He wasn’t going to apologise and no one could make him. An Englishman’s hard drive was his castle, and all that. And Green’s credibility was shredded. | It took Labour’s John Mann to say the unsayable. Did the minister agree that parliament needed to lead by example? And would he, on behalf of the government, apologise to the victims of sexual harassment that parliament and the government have been letting down? Green stared vacantly ahead. He wasn’t going to apologise and no one could make him. An Englishman’s hard drive was his castle, and all that. And Green’s credibility was shredded. |
| Several colleagues gave him a consoling tap on the shoulder when the session came to an end. Though they were careful to wipe their hands afterwards to make sure his failure wasn’t contagious. As Green trudged off to lunch, he heard Liz Truss begin to answer the urgent question on the Brexit bill. Suddenly he felt a bit better about himself. If there was one person he could rely on, it was Liz. That was the whole reason she was in the cabinet. To make the others look good. | Several colleagues gave him a consoling tap on the shoulder when the session came to an end. Though they were careful to wipe their hands afterwards to make sure his failure wasn’t contagious. As Green trudged off to lunch, he heard Liz Truss begin to answer the urgent question on the Brexit bill. Suddenly he felt a bit better about himself. If there was one person he could rely on, it was Liz. That was the whole reason she was in the cabinet. To make the others look good. |
| John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3,go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. | John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3,go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. |
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| Emily Thornberry | Emily Thornberry |
| Damian Green | Damian Green |
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