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May returns to Brussels to secure peace for our time May returns to Brussels to secure peace for our time
(about 1 hour later)
For the first time in months a smile escaped Theresa May’s lips. She had bought herself a year; she had peace for our time. After months of disagreement – not to mention incompetence – inside her own government, she finally had a wording that was acceptable to everyone on her own side. Shortly before dawn she had been able to telephone the president of the European commission to say she would be on the first flight to Brussels after all and could join him for a press conference. It had taken all her self-control not to start sobbing, “Oh thank you, thank you, Jean-Claude” down the line. For the first time in months, a smile crossed Theresa May’s lips. She had bought herself a year; she had peace for our time. After months of disagreement – not to mention incompetence – inside her own government, she finally had a wording that was acceptable to everyone on her own side. Shortly before dawn she had been able to telephone the president of the European commission to say she would be on the first flight to Brussels after all and could join him for a press conference. It had taken all her self-control not to start sobbing “Oh thank you, thank you, Jean-Claude” down the line.
Jean-Claude Juncker also looked relieved as he announced the EU was satisfied that enough progress had been made in the Brexit negotiations for them to move on to the next stage. Partly because he couldn’t have faced the prospect of the British prime minister losing her job and having to start the process all over again with someone even more useless; but mainly because it would be good not to feel he was banging his head against a brick wall. For the life of him, he still couldn’t quite understand why Britain had wasted so much time on the preliminaries when they only had a year left to sort out the tough stuff. Jean-Claude Juncker also looked relieved as he announced the EU was satisfied that enough progress had been made in the Brexit negotiations for them to move on to the next stage. Partly because he couldn’t have faced the prospect of the British prime minister losing her job and having to start the process all over again with someone even more useless, but mainly because it would be good not to feel he was banging his head against a brick wall. For the life of him, he still couldn’t quite understand why Britain had wasted so much time on the preliminaries, leaving only a year to sort out the tough stuff.
“I would like to thank the prime minister for her determination,” Juncker began. Theresa had been a shrewd operator. The prime minister beamed with pride, seemingly unaware that Juncker had intended that to be ironic. In reality the negotiations had taken on an entirely predictable course. The EU had said this was the way things were going to be and Britain had demanded something else. The EU again said this was the way things were going to be and Britain again demanded something else. And the stalemate continued until the EU said this is your last chance, “It’s our way or no way” and Theresa finally rolled over and said OK. “I would like to thank the prime minister for her determination,” Juncker began. Theresa had been a shrewd operator. The prime minister beamed with pride, seemingly unaware that Juncker had intended that to be ironic. In reality, the negotiations had taken on an entirely predictable course. The EU had said this was the way things were going to be and Britain had demanded something else. The EU again said this was the way things were going to be and Britain again demanded something else. And the stalemate continued until the EU said this is your last chance, “it’s our way or no way”, and Theresa finally rolled over and said OK.
Not that the prime minister would necessarily have been that bothered either way as she skipped through the outlines of the deal. She had what she wanted. Even if it didn’t actually turn out to be worth very much, it was still a lot better than nothing. The agreement had been hard-won, she said. Though the battle had been almost entirely an internecine one between the hardliners who wanted a hard Brexit and the moderates who would rather not drive the economy over a cliff edge. Not that the prime minister would necessarily have been that bothered either way as she skipped through the outlines of the deal. She had what she wanted. Even if it didn’t actually turn out to be worth very much, it was still a lot better than nothing. The agreement had been hard won, she said. Though the battle had been almost entirely an internecine one between the hardliners who wanted a hard Brexit and the moderates who would rather not drive the economy over a cliff edge.
Theresa pressed on. Britain would be meeting its financial obligations. Juncker checked his spreadsheet. Correct. He’d always budgeted for a €40bn payout. Tick. EU citizens rights had been agreed. Well, sort of. Up to a point at least. It was still desperately unclear just what role the European court of justice would play. Or for how long. But that could wait for another day. As things stood, it could turn out that every woman rushes off to give birth in Northern Ireland just to secure an EU passport for their baby. Theresa pressed on. Britain would be meeting its financial obligations. Juncker checked his spreadsheet. Correct. He’d always budgeted for a €40bn payout. Tick. EU citizens rights had been agreed. Well, sort of. Up to a point, at least. It was still desperately unclear just what role the European court of justice would play. Or for how long. But that could wait for another day. As things stood, it could turn out that every woman rushes off to give birth in Northern Ireland just to secure an EU passport for their baby.
As for Ireland, all anyone had agreed was to kick the problem a bit further down the road. Juncker shrugged. If that was the way it had to be be for now to keep everyone happy, then so be it. The Brits could call it regulatory alignment if they liked, but for the life of him he couldn’t work out how the prime minister could guarantee there would be no hard border unless Britain to all intents and purposes remained in the single market and the customs union. To him, it seemed like madness. Hand over €40bn and relinquish all rights to influence the regulations just to end up roughly back where you were when you started. It was a curious way of taking back control. But not his problem.As for Ireland, all anyone had agreed was to kick the problem a bit further down the road. Juncker shrugged. If that was the way it had to be be for now to keep everyone happy, then so be it. The Brits could call it regulatory alignment if they liked, but for the life of him he couldn’t work out how the prime minister could guarantee there would be no hard border unless Britain to all intents and purposes remained in the single market and the customs union. To him, it seemed like madness. Hand over €40bn and relinquish all rights to influence the regulations just to end up roughly back where you were when you started. It was a curious way of taking back control. But not his problem.
Nor was it Theresa’s just now. She had been looking down a barrel if she failed to get the go ahead from the EU. The right-wingers in the party would have used it as an excuse to force her out to pursue their own no-deal fantasies. Now they would have to suck it up for a bit longer. And she could put her feet up and have a rest. For a few weeks at least. Happy Christmas everyone. Nor was it Theresa’s just now. She had been looking down a barrel if she failed to get the go-ahead from the EU. The rightwingers in the party would have used it as an excuse to force her out to pursue their no-deal fantasies. Now they would have to suck it up for a bit longer. And she could put her feet up and have a rest. For a few weeks at least. Happy Christmas everyone.
John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3,go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99. • John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3,go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99.