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| 'For a lot of children, Christmas in a refuge is the happiest they’ve ever had' | 'For a lot of children, Christmas in a refuge is the happiest they’ve ever had' |
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| Women shouldn’t feel guilty about their kids spending Christmas in a refuge, says Charlotte Kneer, a domestic violence survivor who runs two refuges | |
| ‘We’d be walking on eggshells’: Christmas offers no respite from domestic abuse | |
| Charlotte Kneer, as told to | |
| Kirstie Brewer | |
| Sat 16 Dec 2017 10.33 GMT | |
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| Charlotte Kneer is a survivor of domestic violence who runs two women’s refuges across Reigate and Banstead. This Christmas, the refuges will house 11 women and up to 24 children. Here she explains what it’s like to run a refuge over Christmas. | Charlotte Kneer is a survivor of domestic violence who runs two women’s refuges across Reigate and Banstead. This Christmas, the refuges will house 11 women and up to 24 children. Here she explains what it’s like to run a refuge over Christmas. |
| For women in abusive relationships, Christmas is a nightmare. Some women will see the run-up to Christmas as the last opportunity to escape. That’s when we get busy with calls. Once the school holidays start and the perpetrator is off work, it can be much harder to leave. Closer to the day itself it will be quiet because that’s when women can’t escape. I know how difficult it is because I used to be in an abusive relationship. Christmas was a time of hyper-vigilance; I’d do everything I could to make sure my ex-partner didn’t get angry. I just wanted to make sure my kids were happy. | For women in abusive relationships, Christmas is a nightmare. Some women will see the run-up to Christmas as the last opportunity to escape. That’s when we get busy with calls. Once the school holidays start and the perpetrator is off work, it can be much harder to leave. Closer to the day itself it will be quiet because that’s when women can’t escape. I know how difficult it is because I used to be in an abusive relationship. Christmas was a time of hyper-vigilance; I’d do everything I could to make sure my ex-partner didn’t get angry. I just wanted to make sure my kids were happy. |
| If you live with domestic violence, your job is to keep everything running smoothly at all times. When there is a routine – the kids going to school, him going to work – you might just about keep some control. But Christmas means risk because it brings unexpected visitors and lots of social invitations. And Christmas booze on tap can put women in more danger. Over Christmas, my ex-partner would use excessive drinking as an excuse to lose control and be violent. But alcohol is an excuse – not a reason – for violence. | If you live with domestic violence, your job is to keep everything running smoothly at all times. When there is a routine – the kids going to school, him going to work – you might just about keep some control. But Christmas means risk because it brings unexpected visitors and lots of social invitations. And Christmas booze on tap can put women in more danger. Over Christmas, my ex-partner would use excessive drinking as an excuse to lose control and be violent. But alcohol is an excuse – not a reason – for violence. |
| Perpetrators will try to find their ex-partners over Christmas; luckily our refuges have never been located. But there will be attempts at contact through texts or emails. Christmas is a time for family, and the perpetrator is likely to be sad and angry that he has lost control over his partner. | Perpetrators will try to find their ex-partners over Christmas; luckily our refuges have never been located. But there will be attempts at contact through texts or emails. Christmas is a time for family, and the perpetrator is likely to be sad and angry that he has lost control over his partner. |
| Some women will consider going back home because they feel so guilty about their children spending Christmas in a refuge. It is an incredibly poignant time, the children could be sad about not being at home, they might even miss their dad. It can weaken a mother’s resolve to stay hidden. The biggest sadness for me is that mothers feel guilty. | Some women will consider going back home because they feel so guilty about their children spending Christmas in a refuge. It is an incredibly poignant time, the children could be sad about not being at home, they might even miss their dad. It can weaken a mother’s resolve to stay hidden. The biggest sadness for me is that mothers feel guilty. |
| We encourage them to come and talk to us if they’re feeling like they might go home. We make sure we talk to the women about this, and build solidarity with the other women who live in the refuge. What women will learn when they’re living here is that guilt is misplaced and, if anyone should feel bad, it is the perpetrator. They didn’t put themselves here, he did. | We encourage them to come and talk to us if they’re feeling like they might go home. We make sure we talk to the women about this, and build solidarity with the other women who live in the refuge. What women will learn when they’re living here is that guilt is misplaced and, if anyone should feel bad, it is the perpetrator. They didn’t put themselves here, he did. |
| We will make a Santa’s grotto in the refuge for the children; we have a counselling shed that we decorate. We usually get a real Christmas tree donated and this goes in there too, with lots of presents under it. Father Christmas will come and spend time with each child, talking to them about their hopes and dreams. He always calls Rudolph on his mobile phone in front of the children to summon the reindeer when he has finished giving out his presents. | We will make a Santa’s grotto in the refuge for the children; we have a counselling shed that we decorate. We usually get a real Christmas tree donated and this goes in there too, with lots of presents under it. Father Christmas will come and spend time with each child, talking to them about their hopes and dreams. He always calls Rudolph on his mobile phone in front of the children to summon the reindeer when he has finished giving out his presents. |
| I’ll never forget a little girl telling us that she’d been worried Father Christmas wouldn’t remember to bring her any presents as he’d forgotten her in the past. She was so happy that he knew where she was this year so he wouldn’t forget her again. We also give the mothers presents to give their children – these have been donated – as well as money to buy whatever they want for them. It is important the gifts come from their mum rather than from us. The children’s workers also make gifts with the children for their mums. | I’ll never forget a little girl telling us that she’d been worried Father Christmas wouldn’t remember to bring her any presents as he’d forgotten her in the past. She was so happy that he knew where she was this year so he wouldn’t forget her again. We also give the mothers presents to give their children – these have been donated – as well as money to buy whatever they want for them. It is important the gifts come from their mum rather than from us. The children’s workers also make gifts with the children for their mums. |
| Christmas is a time for family, and the perpetrator is likely to be sad and angry that he has lost control over his partner | Christmas is a time for family, and the perpetrator is likely to be sad and angry that he has lost control over his partner |
| We have a big party in the run-up to Christmas with all the women, children and staff, and it brings tears to my eyes when I think about the party we had one year. I remember all of the women dancing in a big circle holding hands and singing “you don’t know you’re beautiful”, the lyrics from the One Direction song; they were singing it to each other. A local charity gives us pantomime tickets for all the families, it even makes sure it has paid for ice-creams for each child. | We have a big party in the run-up to Christmas with all the women, children and staff, and it brings tears to my eyes when I think about the party we had one year. I remember all of the women dancing in a big circle holding hands and singing “you don’t know you’re beautiful”, the lyrics from the One Direction song; they were singing it to each other. A local charity gives us pantomime tickets for all the families, it even makes sure it has paid for ice-creams for each child. |
| On the day itself, all the women will do a big cook together. We give them £30 each and £10 per child towards the Christmas dinner. We raise those funds – we are constantly trying to raise money. Each woman is responsible for different parts of the dinner; it really brings the women together and creates a family atmosphere on the day. | On the day itself, all the women will do a big cook together. We give them £30 each and £10 per child towards the Christmas dinner. We raise those funds – we are constantly trying to raise money. Each woman is responsible for different parts of the dinner; it really brings the women together and creates a family atmosphere on the day. |
| For a lot of children here, Christmas in a refuge is the happiest they’ve ever had. We’ve had a lot of children living here that have had exceptionally miserable Christmases at home, where they have been so stressed because of the violence and abuse. As soon as they come to the refuge, we help them to start being a child again. They will have been exposed to so much, and the minute they reach our refuge we are supporting their mum and they don’t need to do that any more, they don’t need to hear about what’s going on. | For a lot of children here, Christmas in a refuge is the happiest they’ve ever had. We’ve had a lot of children living here that have had exceptionally miserable Christmases at home, where they have been so stressed because of the violence and abuse. As soon as they come to the refuge, we help them to start being a child again. They will have been exposed to so much, and the minute they reach our refuge we are supporting their mum and they don’t need to do that any more, they don’t need to hear about what’s going on. |
| For some, it is happy mixed with sad: they miss home, they miss their friends, they miss their pets, they miss their dad. It can be really difficult. We are aware it is a time they need that extra support, and we have amazing children’s advocates here who support each child to work through whatever they are feeling. Sometimes that may mean a one-to-one outing with that child, doing something really special like going to Winter Wonderland. | For some, it is happy mixed with sad: they miss home, they miss their friends, they miss their pets, they miss their dad. It can be really difficult. We are aware it is a time they need that extra support, and we have amazing children’s advocates here who support each child to work through whatever they are feeling. Sometimes that may mean a one-to-one outing with that child, doing something really special like going to Winter Wonderland. |
| Of course, not everybody celebrates Christmas, so we make sure we are respectful of other faiths. We will check whether they want presents and how they want it to go. If you could see my office at the moment, it is starting to get full of boxes of biscuits and toiletry gift sets that local people, churches and charities have donated for the women here. We get so much local support, with lots of people donating presents for the women and children. | Of course, not everybody celebrates Christmas, so we make sure we are respectful of other faiths. We will check whether they want presents and how they want it to go. If you could see my office at the moment, it is starting to get full of boxes of biscuits and toiletry gift sets that local people, churches and charities have donated for the women here. We get so much local support, with lots of people donating presents for the women and children. |
| We see a rise in demand in the new year, after women have endured a couple of weeks of absolute hell. That can be the tipping point. But this is an issue 365 days a year, not just at Christmas, and it is important people know that. It’s devastating when a woman phones us only to find that the space that was free that morning has been filled. Our number is given out only on the days we tell the National Domestic Violence Helpline that we have a space, but we have to work on a first-come, first-served basis. I know from my own experience how much courage it takes to pick up the phone and ask for help. | We see a rise in demand in the new year, after women have endured a couple of weeks of absolute hell. That can be the tipping point. But this is an issue 365 days a year, not just at Christmas, and it is important people know that. It’s devastating when a woman phones us only to find that the space that was free that morning has been filled. Our number is given out only on the days we tell the National Domestic Violence Helpline that we have a space, but we have to work on a first-come, first-served basis. I know from my own experience how much courage it takes to pick up the phone and ask for help. |
| Running a refuge is a hand-to-mouth existence. I worry about the year ahead, particularly if the supported housing benefit changes go ahead. We’re unable to plan in the long term because money is uncertain as it is. It is critical women have access to housing benefit, we can’t operate without it. We already support women with no recourse to public funds from our own charity reserves because we don’t want to turn them away, but without housing benefit we couldn’t survive. That is just the last in a long line of issues that refuges have been facing. It feels like there is no sustainable plan, and that has got to change. | Running a refuge is a hand-to-mouth existence. I worry about the year ahead, particularly if the supported housing benefit changes go ahead. We’re unable to plan in the long term because money is uncertain as it is. It is critical women have access to housing benefit, we can’t operate without it. We already support women with no recourse to public funds from our own charity reserves because we don’t want to turn them away, but without housing benefit we couldn’t survive. That is just the last in a long line of issues that refuges have been facing. It feels like there is no sustainable plan, and that has got to change. |
| We are really trying to raise money to ensure we can survive through all of these difficulties. But it isn’t easy, particularly as our location is secret, so we find it difficult to show off the incredible work we do. I work in a refuge, as a lot of survivors do, because we understand what a lot of people don’t. How it feels to be so alone, so desperate and unable to see a way out. To be terrified that one person has complete power over you and holds your life in their hands. We are the only safe way out for a lot of women and children and we want to help them be free and live happy lives. | We are really trying to raise money to ensure we can survive through all of these difficulties. But it isn’t easy, particularly as our location is secret, so we find it difficult to show off the incredible work we do. I work in a refuge, as a lot of survivors do, because we understand what a lot of people don’t. How it feels to be so alone, so desperate and unable to see a way out. To be terrified that one person has complete power over you and holds your life in their hands. We are the only safe way out for a lot of women and children and we want to help them be free and live happy lives. |
| Charlotte Kneer is chief executive of Reigate and Banstead Women’s Aid | Charlotte Kneer is chief executive of Reigate and Banstead Women’s Aid |
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