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| My Christmas present to you | My Christmas present to you |
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| Sun 17 Dec 2017 00.05 GMT | |
| Last modified on Sat 23 Dec 2017 11.15 GMT | |
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| The gift guides are out again! Regular readers will know how infuriated I am by those Christmas gift guides. Pages and pages of newsprint, all given over to the advice that we should consider buying our relatives a pair of socks or a bottle of wine. | The gift guides are out again! Regular readers will know how infuriated I am by those Christmas gift guides. Pages and pages of newsprint, all given over to the advice that we should consider buying our relatives a pair of socks or a bottle of wine. |
| Adding insult to insult, they invariably divide these “ideas” into relatives (“A lipstick for your wife! A book for your mum! A bottle of wine for Grandpa!”) just to make sure that nobody shops beyond the boundaries of age and gender stereotype. Not only must we buy the same old stuff every year, we must make the same old assumptions. Women love clothes. Kids love sweets. Men love golf calendars. | Adding insult to insult, they invariably divide these “ideas” into relatives (“A lipstick for your wife! A book for your mum! A bottle of wine for Grandpa!”) just to make sure that nobody shops beyond the boundaries of age and gender stereotype. Not only must we buy the same old stuff every year, we must make the same old assumptions. Women love clothes. Kids love sweets. Men love golf calendars. |
| In defence of the Daily Mail (a phrase I hear myself using more often, these days, than I would ever have predicted), at least they made their 2017 gift guide “plastic free”. This is a refreshing and useful campaign. Unfortunately, it’s a list of plastic-free really boring things. It’s still just booze and bath salts for the usual suspects: cardboard bottle of gin for him, bamboo make-up palette for her. | In defence of the Daily Mail (a phrase I hear myself using more often, these days, than I would ever have predicted), at least they made their 2017 gift guide “plastic free”. This is a refreshing and useful campaign. Unfortunately, it’s a list of plastic-free really boring things. It’s still just booze and bath salts for the usual suspects: cardboard bottle of gin for him, bamboo make-up palette for her. |
| But regular readers will remember with a thrill of joy that I have been publishing my own gift guide for more than 10 years, helping to personalise our relations a little more. | But regular readers will remember with a thrill of joy that I have been publishing my own gift guide for more than 10 years, helping to personalise our relations a little more. |
| In my guide, I recommend appropriate presents for major celebrity names from the year. Thus, instead of forcing loved ones into the pigeon holes provided by the more traditional gift guides, readers can simply scroll down to find the perfect present for whichever of their uncles most closely resembles Lady Gaga. | In my guide, I recommend appropriate presents for major celebrity names from the year. Thus, instead of forcing loved ones into the pigeon holes provided by the more traditional gift guides, readers can simply scroll down to find the perfect present for whichever of their uncles most closely resembles Lady Gaga. |
| Despite its longevity, I haven’t actually published the VCM-patent Excellent Gift Guide for a couple of years. If none of the above rings a bell, that suggests you have only recently discovered the Observer, or you have avoided my contributions to it more successfully in the past than you have today, or – like me – you’ve long forgotten anything you’ve ever previously read or seen and it’s as much as you can do to remember what day you’re meant to put the bins out. | Despite its longevity, I haven’t actually published the VCM-patent Excellent Gift Guide for a couple of years. If none of the above rings a bell, that suggests you have only recently discovered the Observer, or you have avoided my contributions to it more successfully in the past than you have today, or – like me – you’ve long forgotten anything you’ve ever previously read or seen and it’s as much as you can do to remember what day you’re meant to put the bins out. |
| I didn’t write one in 2015 because I was on maternity leave. And I didn’t write one in 2016 because everyone was dead. Every name that sprang to mind, of a person that had loomed large last year, was a name on a memorial: Victoria Wood, David Bowie, Terry Wogan, Alan Rickman, Ronnie Corbett, Prince… | I didn’t write one in 2015 because I was on maternity leave. And I didn’t write one in 2016 because everyone was dead. Every name that sprang to mind, of a person that had loomed large last year, was a name on a memorial: Victoria Wood, David Bowie, Terry Wogan, Alan Rickman, Ronnie Corbett, Prince… |
| 2016 really was a bloody terrible year. All those deaths, of all those brilliant and lovable people, seemed to presage an annus horribilis all over the world. Everything felt suddenly terrifying and doomed. The piece I filed last December instead of the “gift guide” may be the bleakest thing I’ve ever written – and I’ve written my phone number on a stripper’s bicep. | 2016 really was a bloody terrible year. All those deaths, of all those brilliant and lovable people, seemed to presage an annus horribilis all over the world. Everything felt suddenly terrifying and doomed. The piece I filed last December instead of the “gift guide” may be the bleakest thing I’ve ever written – and I’ve written my phone number on a stripper’s bicep. |
| Reading that column back now, I’m cheered to discover that, however awful 2017 has intermittently been, it felt a lot worse last year. We’re on the up! Or we’ve got used to the constant relentless down! Merry Christmas! | Reading that column back now, I’m cheered to discover that, however awful 2017 has intermittently been, it felt a lot worse last year. We’re on the up! Or we’ve got used to the constant relentless down! Merry Christmas! |
| So let’s crack on with a cheery gift guide for this season, in hope of a happy new year. | So let’s crack on with a cheery gift guide for this season, in hope of a happy new year. |
| Retired grandpa | Retired grandpa |
| Your grandad finally retired this year. His creaky old bones and increasing deafness were creeping up on him; the time has come to step back, smell the roses and meet new people. Or meet the roses and smell new people. Grandpa was always open-minded about that sort of thing. | Your grandad finally retired this year. His creaky old bones and increasing deafness were creeping up on him; the time has come to step back, smell the roses and meet new people. Or meet the roses and smell new people. Grandpa was always open-minded about that sort of thing. |
| For Usain Bolt: an evening course in duplicate bridge. | For Usain Bolt: an evening course in duplicate bridge. |
| Difficult neighbour | Difficult neighbour |
| He’s noisy, obstreperous, confused and vulgar, but what can you do? There he just is. You still don’t really understand how he came to be there. The council says they can evict him but it may take another seven years. For as long as he’s in situ, you have to try to get on. If you can forge a special relationship then, while he will inevitably piss on your lawn when it suits him, at least he won’t put a petrol bomb through the letter box. | He’s noisy, obstreperous, confused and vulgar, but what can you do? There he just is. You still don’t really understand how he came to be there. The council says they can evict him but it may take another seven years. For as long as he’s in situ, you have to try to get on. If you can forge a special relationship then, while he will inevitably piss on your lawn when it suits him, at least he won’t put a petrol bomb through the letter box. |
| For Donald Trump: a cup of sugar. | For Donald Trump: a cup of sugar. |
| Successful sister | Successful sister |
| She’s always been more successful than you, ever since the first time her Mr Potato Head got a round of applause and yours fell in a bin. After Christmas, she’s starting another amazing new job. But she’s nervous; it’s a high-pressure post and she’s got big shoes to fill. After a jealous history, you want to be uncomplicatedly supportive. You want a gift that is loving and heartfelt, that reflects her individuality, that spells: I’m proud of you! You will succeed on your own terms! You will make this role your own! | She’s always been more successful than you, ever since the first time her Mr Potato Head got a round of applause and yours fell in a bin. After Christmas, she’s starting another amazing new job. But she’s nervous; it’s a high-pressure post and she’s got big shoes to fill. After a jealous history, you want to be uncomplicatedly supportive. You want a gift that is loving and heartfelt, that reflects her individuality, that spells: I’m proud of you! You will succeed on your own terms! You will make this role your own! |
| For Jodie Whittaker: a lovely, warm, multicoloured woollen scarf. | For Jodie Whittaker: a lovely, warm, multicoloured woollen scarf. |
| Obstructive colleague | Obstructive colleague |
| Cocky, disrespectful, constantly trying to undermine you, this guy needs taking down a peg or two. He needs his confidence dented. He needs his self-esteem whittled away. Ultimately, he needs to be completely demoralised and made to feel like an idiot. | Cocky, disrespectful, constantly trying to undermine you, this guy needs taking down a peg or two. He needs his confidence dented. He needs his self-esteem whittled away. Ultimately, he needs to be completely demoralised and made to feel like an idiot. |
| For Grant Shapps: Only Connect, The Official Quiz Book. That’ll take the spring out of anyone’s Christmas. | For Grant Shapps: Only Connect, The Official Quiz Book. That’ll take the spring out of anyone’s Christmas. |
| Unexpected guests | Unexpected guests |
| It’s always important to have something to hand in case of surprise additions to the list. Someone turns up that you weren’t expecting to see, or someone turns up bringing someone that you weren’t expecting to see… A new twist can bring all sorts of joy and amusement – the more the merrier! – so be sure to have a little something up your sleeve to make them feel welcome. Something appropriate that they’re bound to want. | It’s always important to have something to hand in case of surprise additions to the list. Someone turns up that you weren’t expecting to see, or someone turns up bringing someone that you weren’t expecting to see… A new twist can bring all sorts of joy and amusement – the more the merrier! – so be sure to have a little something up your sleeve to make them feel welcome. Something appropriate that they’re bound to want. |
| For Prince Harry and Meghan Markle: a 17th-century, 24-bedroom manor house in Gloucestershire. | For Prince Harry and Meghan Markle: a 17th-century, 24-bedroom manor house in Gloucestershire. |
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