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| What to do if a snowman comes to life in your garden | What to do if a snowman comes to life in your garden |
| (21 days later) | |
| Tue 26 Dec 2017 10.00 GMT | |
| Last modified on Tue 26 Dec 2017 10.02 GMT | |
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| There are two things that any patriotic British person craves more than anything in the world. One: that the upcoming child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has a birthmark on their chest in the shape of the Union Jack, and two: that it will be a white Christmas this year. | There are two things that any patriotic British person craves more than anything in the world. One: that the upcoming child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has a birthmark on their chest in the shape of the Union Jack, and two: that it will be a white Christmas this year. |
| In London, that’s a forlorn hope – if you see white stuff falling out of the sky, it’s more likely to be because a banker has accidentally knocked his stash of cocaine out of the window. But around much of the rest of the country, there’s genuinely a chance this year that people will wake up in a landscape covered in what I like to call “God’s dandruff” (I don’t get invited to many winter wonderland parties). | In London, that’s a forlorn hope – if you see white stuff falling out of the sky, it’s more likely to be because a banker has accidentally knocked his stash of cocaine out of the window. But around much of the rest of the country, there’s genuinely a chance this year that people will wake up in a landscape covered in what I like to call “God’s dandruff” (I don’t get invited to many winter wonderland parties). |
| Of course, with snow, like all things, comes danger. You can slip on icy roads, or get your tongue stuck on icy lampposts, or get snow fatigue from looking at too many Instagram photos of your friends’ pets playing in snow. There is, however, one snow threat that is too often overlooked by the mainstream media, and it’s something that I would like to rectify today: what to do when the snowman you spent all day building is imbued with the magic of the witching hour and comes to life. | Of course, with snow, like all things, comes danger. You can slip on icy roads, or get your tongue stuck on icy lampposts, or get snow fatigue from looking at too many Instagram photos of your friends’ pets playing in snow. There is, however, one snow threat that is too often overlooked by the mainstream media, and it’s something that I would like to rectify today: what to do when the snowman you spent all day building is imbued with the magic of the witching hour and comes to life. |
| There’s a lot of false information surrounding this issue, and I’m sorry to say that most of it comes from the 1982 public service video The Snowman. This film would have you believe that the safest course of action is to go out to the snowman, invite him inside, and allow him access to your father’s false teeth. I cannot stress hard enough what a terrible piece of advice this is. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – the child in that film is a reckless idiot who quite frankly is lucky to have survived the night. You might not be so fortunate – which is why we are proud to present a comprehensive guide for what to do in the event of SSS (Sudden Snowman Sentience). | There’s a lot of false information surrounding this issue, and I’m sorry to say that most of it comes from the 1982 public service video The Snowman. This film would have you believe that the safest course of action is to go out to the snowman, invite him inside, and allow him access to your father’s false teeth. I cannot stress hard enough what a terrible piece of advice this is. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – the child in that film is a reckless idiot who quite frankly is lucky to have survived the night. You might not be so fortunate – which is why we are proud to present a comprehensive guide for what to do in the event of SSS (Sudden Snowman Sentience). |
| Call the police | Call the police |
| Upon seeing that the snowman you have built has come to life, calmly walk to the phone and dial 999. Inform them of your exact whereabouts, and tell them to bring several industrial hairdryers to the scene. The police are specifically trained to deal with this situation – they know what to say so as not to provoke the 300lb snowmonster that has been suddenly granted the gift of consciousness by unknown supernatural forces. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to approach the beast yourself, even if he doffs his cap deferentially to you. Keep in mind that mere seconds ago, he was nothing more than a lump of ice and compacted snow, and now, quite suddenly, he has been given the terrible curse of thoughts, emotions and free will. Ignore any attempt he makes to communicate with you, and do not answer any of his questions, such as “why do I exist”, “what is my purpose”, “what kind of God would allow this to happen” or “why won’t you let me die”. | Upon seeing that the snowman you have built has come to life, calmly walk to the phone and dial 999. Inform them of your exact whereabouts, and tell them to bring several industrial hairdryers to the scene. The police are specifically trained to deal with this situation – they know what to say so as not to provoke the 300lb snowmonster that has been suddenly granted the gift of consciousness by unknown supernatural forces. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to approach the beast yourself, even if he doffs his cap deferentially to you. Keep in mind that mere seconds ago, he was nothing more than a lump of ice and compacted snow, and now, quite suddenly, he has been given the terrible curse of thoughts, emotions and free will. Ignore any attempt he makes to communicate with you, and do not answer any of his questions, such as “why do I exist”, “what is my purpose”, “what kind of God would allow this to happen” or “why won’t you let me die”. |
| Do not invite him in | Do not invite him in |
| Do not allow the snowman to breach the perimeter of your property. For one thing, it’s after midnight – you are under no obligation to entertain anyone between the hours 8pm and 8am, be they human or unfathomable snowbeast. Second, snowmen are walking sacks of water damage: don’t blame me when you get warped floorboards and a ruined sofa. Third, you are responsible for any melting that occurs on the property, and that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Sure, it’s fun when he’s putting on blusher and dancing in a pair of braces, but it’s less cute when he’s suing you for loss of 30% of his body weight because you forgot to turn the radiator off. | Do not allow the snowman to breach the perimeter of your property. For one thing, it’s after midnight – you are under no obligation to entertain anyone between the hours 8pm and 8am, be they human or unfathomable snowbeast. Second, snowmen are walking sacks of water damage: don’t blame me when you get warped floorboards and a ruined sofa. Third, you are responsible for any melting that occurs on the property, and that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Sure, it’s fun when he’s putting on blusher and dancing in a pair of braces, but it’s less cute when he’s suing you for loss of 30% of his body weight because you forgot to turn the radiator off. |
| Do not allow him to ride a motorbike | Do not allow him to ride a motorbike |
| This is a basic one. I’m annoyed I even have to point out that this is a bad idea. If your snowman comes to life, the last thing you want to do is give him a motorbike. He’s less than 10 minutes old, he’s not insured and the roads are treacherous at best. If there was any justice in the world, The Snowman should have ended with both of those characters getting into a fender bender and getting a six-month suspended sentence for reckless driving. | This is a basic one. I’m annoyed I even have to point out that this is a bad idea. If your snowman comes to life, the last thing you want to do is give him a motorbike. He’s less than 10 minutes old, he’s not insured and the roads are treacherous at best. If there was any justice in the world, The Snowman should have ended with both of those characters getting into a fender bender and getting a six-month suspended sentence for reckless driving. |
| Fly responsibly | Fly responsibly |
| If the snowman grabs your hand and starts to sprint towards the sky, he is about to make you fly. There is nothing you can do to stop this. If you stand still or try to resist, he will rip your arm off. All you can do is run with the snowman, pray that the flight will be brief and uneventful, and attempt to tighten your dressing gown – if it comes undone over London, you are still liable for indecent exposure. By the way, during your journey, try not to refer to it as “walking in the air” (either in speech or in song). It’s very ambulatory-centric language and is considered incredibly rude, and a very condescending way to talk about the miracle of wingless flight. You’re actually flying, like Superman. “Walking in the air” makes it sound like you’ve got up to use the toilet on an airplane. You wouldn’t refer to swimming as “walking in the sea”, or bungee jumping as “walking downwards into the earth very very quickly”. | If the snowman grabs your hand and starts to sprint towards the sky, he is about to make you fly. There is nothing you can do to stop this. If you stand still or try to resist, he will rip your arm off. All you can do is run with the snowman, pray that the flight will be brief and uneventful, and attempt to tighten your dressing gown – if it comes undone over London, you are still liable for indecent exposure. By the way, during your journey, try not to refer to it as “walking in the air” (either in speech or in song). It’s very ambulatory-centric language and is considered incredibly rude, and a very condescending way to talk about the miracle of wingless flight. You’re actually flying, like Superman. “Walking in the air” makes it sound like you’ve got up to use the toilet on an airplane. You wouldn’t refer to swimming as “walking in the sea”, or bungee jumping as “walking downwards into the earth very very quickly”. |
| Stay safe | Stay safe |
| There are still so many questions within The Snowman cinematic universe that haven’t been answered, even 35 years on. How do the other snowmen know Santa Claus? Who built the other snowmen? Why is the boy the only child there? Do they all only live for one night? Why is Santa bald? | There are still so many questions within The Snowman cinematic universe that haven’t been answered, even 35 years on. How do the other snowmen know Santa Claus? Who built the other snowmen? Why is the boy the only child there? Do they all only live for one night? Why is Santa bald? |
| But the thing that sticks out, to most people, is the ending – where the child runs down the stairs to see the melted snowman in a heap on the ground. Most take this to be a comment on the fleeting nature of childhood, and the realisation that at some point, we must all grow up. To those people I say – wake up, sheeple. Obviously the snowman couldn’t have melted from natural causes – how do you explain the still-unthawed snow on the ground surrounding him? It’s clear that the snowman was neutralised, most likely by goons of Santa Claus, who was angry that he had compromised the secret of his sentience to this little boy. The snowman at the end is yet another victim to the deep state of Big Christmas. | But the thing that sticks out, to most people, is the ending – where the child runs down the stairs to see the melted snowman in a heap on the ground. Most take this to be a comment on the fleeting nature of childhood, and the realisation that at some point, we must all grow up. To those people I say – wake up, sheeple. Obviously the snowman couldn’t have melted from natural causes – how do you explain the still-unthawed snow on the ground surrounding him? It’s clear that the snowman was neutralised, most likely by goons of Santa Claus, who was angry that he had compromised the secret of his sentience to this little boy. The snowman at the end is yet another victim to the deep state of Big Christmas. |
| The point is, when we interact with sentient snowmen and Father Christmas, we are dealing with forces beyond our control and understanding. Any wrong move could cause a diplomatic incident between humanity and snowmanity. That is why, this Christmas, if you see a sentient snowman, do the right thing and alert the authorities. Stay safe out there this Christmas. | The point is, when we interact with sentient snowmen and Father Christmas, we are dealing with forces beyond our control and understanding. Any wrong move could cause a diplomatic incident between humanity and snowmanity. That is why, this Christmas, if you see a sentient snowman, do the right thing and alert the authorities. Stay safe out there this Christmas. |
| • Jack Bernhardt is a comedy writer | • Jack Bernhardt is a comedy writer |
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