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A story of sexual abuse: 'My grandfather was my father' | A story of sexual abuse: 'My grandfather was my father' |
(about 3 hours later) | |
Seventy-year-old Michael* always suspected his family held a secret. Then he found out - his grandfather was in fact his father. | Seventy-year-old Michael* always suspected his family held a secret. Then he found out - his grandfather was in fact his father. |
Here, as the NSPCC calls for more to be done to tackle sexual abuse within families, he explains how learning he was born after his mother was raped affected his life. | Here, as the NSPCC calls for more to be done to tackle sexual abuse within families, he explains how learning he was born after his mother was raped affected his life. |
My main memory of growing up in Cardiff's Butetown in the sixties was of the different cultures. | My main memory of growing up in Cardiff's Butetown in the sixties was of the different cultures. |
There were Spanish and Malaysian people, Portuguese and Africans, all with their different foods and music. | |
The docks were always full of merchant seamen transporting goods across the oceans. | The docks were always full of merchant seamen transporting goods across the oceans. |
Post World War Two, I remember seeing fruit for the first time - bananas and oranges, and also coconuts and wooden wind-up toys from Germany. | Post World War Two, I remember seeing fruit for the first time - bananas and oranges, and also coconuts and wooden wind-up toys from Germany. |
I lived with my mother and siblings, grandfather, uncles and lodgers in a large Victorian boarding house close to the waterfront. | I lived with my mother and siblings, grandfather, uncles and lodgers in a large Victorian boarding house close to the waterfront. |
My family were of west African heritage and had settled in Cardiff in the early 1900s. | My family were of west African heritage and had settled in Cardiff in the early 1900s. |
I had freedom to wander as I wished and it was an exciting time, but growing up, I was aware I didn't know who my father was. | I had freedom to wander as I wished and it was an exciting time, but growing up, I was aware I didn't know who my father was. |
It seemed to be a big secret, and whenever I heard anyone asking my mother who it was, it was clear to me she was making up a name. | It seemed to be a big secret, and whenever I heard anyone asking my mother who it was, it was clear to me she was making up a name. |
Perhaps that's why I suspected someone from my family, although I didn't know who - possibly an uncle. | Perhaps that's why I suspected someone from my family, although I didn't know who - possibly an uncle. |
It didn't matter too much, though - so many men were away at sea, it was common for a child not to have a father present. | It didn't matter too much, though - so many men were away at sea, it was common for a child not to have a father present. |
'True horror' | 'True horror' |
My relationship with my mum was strong - she was a clever and skilful woman who excelled at sewing. | My relationship with my mum was strong - she was a clever and skilful woman who excelled at sewing. |
Plus, my grandfather was around - a strict man who would use the cane or slipper. | Plus, my grandfather was around - a strict man who would use the cane or slipper. |
Respected throughout the community, he worked occasionally as a police interpreter and was always well-dressed in a high-waisted zoot suit, made popular by jazz musicians of the time. | Respected throughout the community, he worked occasionally as a police interpreter and was always well-dressed in a high-waisted zoot suit, made popular by jazz musicians of the time. |
I was in my late forties when I found out that he was my father. | I was in my late forties when I found out that he was my father. |
My mother, then in her seventies, told my wife, who in turn told me. | My mother, then in her seventies, told my wife, who in turn told me. |
My instant reaction was relief - at last I knew who my father was - but then I was stunned. | My instant reaction was relief - at last I knew who my father was - but then I was stunned. |
How was it possible that my grandfather - who had since died - had raped my mother, and I was a product of that? | How was it possible that my grandfather - who had since died - had raped my mother, and I was a product of that? |
At that stage, I was too shocked to know what to think of him, but as I spoke more to my mother, the true horror of what she suffered unfolded. | At that stage, I was too shocked to know what to think of him, but as I spoke more to my mother, the true horror of what she suffered unfolded. |
It seemed that once my grandfather's own wife - my grandmother - had died, he decided to take my mother instead. He actually said to her: "My wife's gone. I'll have you." | It seemed that once my grandfather's own wife - my grandmother - had died, he decided to take my mother instead. He actually said to her: "My wife's gone. I'll have you." |
She was just a teenager, but I learnt that he kept her at home while allowing her sister out to dances. And it seemed he groomed her to keep her quiet. | She was just a teenager, but I learnt that he kept her at home while allowing her sister out to dances. And it seemed he groomed her to keep her quiet. |
What was worse was that when she became pregnant with me, he sent her to a Catholic convent in London to get her out the way. | What was worse was that when she became pregnant with me, he sent her to a Catholic convent in London to get her out the way. |
It was a huge act of deception on his part and she was treated terribly there. | It was a huge act of deception on his part and she was treated terribly there. |
She was the only black woman and the nuns were racist to her, telling her the devil was inside her. | She was the only black woman and the nuns were racist to her, telling her the devil was inside her. |
She was sometimes beaten and forced to do harsh chores so she might lose the baby. | She was sometimes beaten and forced to do harsh chores so she might lose the baby. |
Once she got out, she faced different pressures. | Once she got out, she faced different pressures. |
People would talk, say she had gone with a sailor, and it left her with a great shame and sense of responsibility for what happened. | People would talk, say she had gone with a sailor, and it left her with a great shame and sense of responsibility for what happened. |
As she finally unburdened herself to me, I could tell she was in terrible emotional pain - all those decades on. | As she finally unburdened herself to me, I could tell she was in terrible emotional pain - all those decades on. |
And no matter how many times I told her she was brave and wonderful, she didn't believe me. | And no matter how many times I told her she was brave and wonderful, she didn't believe me. |
It was as if the shame had been stamped into her DNA. | It was as if the shame had been stamped into her DNA. |
'Called a liar' | 'Called a liar' |
As to how the news affected the rest of my life, it was strange. | As to how the news affected the rest of my life, it was strange. |
The fact my grandfather was also my father meant I was an uncle to my younger siblings. | The fact my grandfather was also my father meant I was an uncle to my younger siblings. |
My own uncles were now also brothers, my mother my sister, and the double bind was difficult. | My own uncles were now also brothers, my mother my sister, and the double bind was difficult. |
I also struggled with what to think of my grandfather. | I also struggled with what to think of my grandfather. |
I respected him for what he had achieved, but was disgusted by what he had done to my mother. | I respected him for what he had achieved, but was disgusted by what he had done to my mother. |
He was a criminal, but he'd had complete freedom his whole life. | He was a criminal, but he'd had complete freedom his whole life. |
Despite the turmoil the news brought me, I am so grateful I found out. Throughout my mother's life, she had confided in only two people - her husband and her sister. | Despite the turmoil the news brought me, I am so grateful I found out. Throughout my mother's life, she had confided in only two people - her husband and her sister. |
Yet they both called her a liar. | Yet they both called her a liar. |
They couldn't believe a man as distinguished as my grandfather had done that to her. | They couldn't believe a man as distinguished as my grandfather had done that to her. |
Her husband accused her of leading her father on - an awful chauvinistic attitude - and it led to the breakdown of her marriage. | Her husband accused her of leading her father on - an awful chauvinistic attitude - and it led to the breakdown of her marriage. |
So for my mother to finally have the support from both my wife and I brought her massive relief. | So for my mother to finally have the support from both my wife and I brought her massive relief. |
Knowing what she went through also brought us much closer together. | Knowing what she went through also brought us much closer together. |
But I felt such sadness and bitterness for her. | But I felt such sadness and bitterness for her. |
Up until a month before she died, she still had the feeling that it was her fault. | Up until a month before she died, she still had the feeling that it was her fault. |
It wasn't just my grandfather but society that made her feel like this. | It wasn't just my grandfather but society that made her feel like this. |
It's because of this that I have told my own sons about what happened. | It's because of this that I have told my own sons about what happened. |
I felt the family secret needed to be opened out and end with me, otherwise it would have continued through the generations. | I felt the family secret needed to be opened out and end with me, otherwise it would have continued through the generations. |
If you have been affected by child sexual abuse, sexual abuse or violence, help and support is available here. | If you have been affected by child sexual abuse, sexual abuse or violence, help and support is available here. |
*Michael's name has been changed to protect his identity. | *Michael's name has been changed to protect his identity. |
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