This article is from the source 'guardian' and was first published or seen on . It last changed over 40 days ago and won't be checked again for changes.
You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/feb/18/if-abused-cant-speak-we-need-other-routes-to-their-pain-barry-bennell
The article has changed 5 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.
| Version 2 | Version 3 |
|---|---|
| If the abused can’t speak, we need other routes to their pain | If the abused can’t speak, we need other routes to their pain |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| It took decades before any of Barry Bennell’s abuse victims came forward – we need to understand why | |
| Sun 18 Feb 2018 00.05 GMT | Sun 18 Feb 2018 00.05 GMT |
| Last modified on Mon 19 Feb 2018 12.42 GMT | |
| Share on Facebook | Share on Facebook |
| Share on Twitter | Share on Twitter |
| Share via Email | Share via Email |
| View more sharing options | View more sharing options |
| Share on LinkedIn | Share on LinkedIn |
| Share on Pinterest | Share on Pinterest |
| Share on Google+ | Share on Google+ |
| Share on WhatsApp | Share on WhatsApp |
| Share on Messenger | Share on Messenger |
| Close | Close |
| ‘Why did it take them so long to tell anyone?” This is a question we often hear at SurvivorsUK, especially when a high-profile trial, such as that of Barry Bennell, is in the news. | ‘Why did it take them so long to tell anyone?” This is a question we often hear at SurvivorsUK, especially when a high-profile trial, such as that of Barry Bennell, is in the news. |
| Based on an analysis of our client data from a few years ago, we estimate that the average length of time it takes the men who we support to come forward is 26 years. And this is the average for the men who do come forward. We cannot know how many men never come forward, never report to the police and never ask for help. It has been estimated that this could be as high as 96% and that as many as one in six men has experienced sexual violence. Perhaps the kinder and more revealing question to ask is: “How is it that these men did report, given that so few do?” | Based on an analysis of our client data from a few years ago, we estimate that the average length of time it takes the men who we support to come forward is 26 years. And this is the average for the men who do come forward. We cannot know how many men never come forward, never report to the police and never ask for help. It has been estimated that this could be as high as 96% and that as many as one in six men has experienced sexual violence. Perhaps the kinder and more revealing question to ask is: “How is it that these men did report, given that so few do?” |
| There are no simple answers when trying to understand such a complex phenomenon. One theme does, however, come up almost always in our work and it is that of a man’s sense of his masculinity and what happens to it when he is sexually violated. To begin to see the problems we need only look at the expectations we put on boys from birth, the language we use when talking about them and the way in which we talk about sexual violence (with the assumption that the woman is the victim and the man is the perpetrator). A man should not be a victim. He should be strong, he should always want sex, he should protect himself and others. He shouldn’t show his feelings, boys don’t cry, man up and so, so much more. | There are no simple answers when trying to understand such a complex phenomenon. One theme does, however, come up almost always in our work and it is that of a man’s sense of his masculinity and what happens to it when he is sexually violated. To begin to see the problems we need only look at the expectations we put on boys from birth, the language we use when talking about them and the way in which we talk about sexual violence (with the assumption that the woman is the victim and the man is the perpetrator). A man should not be a victim. He should be strong, he should always want sex, he should protect himself and others. He shouldn’t show his feelings, boys don’t cry, man up and so, so much more. |
| Though values are changing and adapting, and increasingly allow a more sophisticated and less binary understanding of sex and gender, this change is slow. Moreover, it does not remove the drip-drip accumulation of such deeply internalised ideas of what boys should be, do and feel. After a lifetime of such messages, it is no wonder that men, if sexually violated, might feel like a failure as a man, or perhaps not even a “real man” (whatever that is). | Though values are changing and adapting, and increasingly allow a more sophisticated and less binary understanding of sex and gender, this change is slow. Moreover, it does not remove the drip-drip accumulation of such deeply internalised ideas of what boys should be, do and feel. After a lifetime of such messages, it is no wonder that men, if sexually violated, might feel like a failure as a man, or perhaps not even a “real man” (whatever that is). |
| It can be felt as an attack on their masculinity itself and the shame they can feel is profound. Pile on to this devastation of the psychological aspects of the abuse or assault, which may include threats of murder, physical harm or public humiliation, and we can begin to appreciate quite how difficult it might be for a man or boy to tell. | It can be felt as an attack on their masculinity itself and the shame they can feel is profound. Pile on to this devastation of the psychological aspects of the abuse or assault, which may include threats of murder, physical harm or public humiliation, and we can begin to appreciate quite how difficult it might be for a man or boy to tell. |
| Shame and feelings of being weird, different or somehow to blame for what happened to them are rarely far from the surface when we begin to support the men who come to us. Group work can be an especially effective way of helping men to gain support from others who feel the same way, drawing them out of the shame-filled isolation that may have unfairly dominated their lives since the abuse. | Shame and feelings of being weird, different or somehow to blame for what happened to them are rarely far from the surface when we begin to support the men who come to us. Group work can be an especially effective way of helping men to gain support from others who feel the same way, drawing them out of the shame-filled isolation that may have unfairly dominated their lives since the abuse. |
| When working with victims of sexual violation, there are patterns. Routinely, we are dealing with drug and alcohol dependency or misuse, problems in forming trusting friendships and relationships, self-harming behaviour, suicidal thoughts and, sadly, attempts at suicide. We know that the biggest killer of men under 45 is suicide, and it seems self-evident that if we could encourage more men to talk about their feelings and problems, this would be reduced. | When working with victims of sexual violation, there are patterns. Routinely, we are dealing with drug and alcohol dependency or misuse, problems in forming trusting friendships and relationships, self-harming behaviour, suicidal thoughts and, sadly, attempts at suicide. We know that the biggest killer of men under 45 is suicide, and it seems self-evident that if we could encourage more men to talk about their feelings and problems, this would be reduced. |
| In the mental health and sexual violence sectors it is the perceived wisdom that boys and men don’t talk and we endlessly ask ourselves what we can do to change this. But what if men are talking and it is we who are just not listening? | In the mental health and sexual violence sectors it is the perceived wisdom that boys and men don’t talk and we endlessly ask ourselves what we can do to change this. But what if men are talking and it is we who are just not listening? |
| Ask someone to describe typical “boy” behaviour and I doubt it will be too long before the words such as “fight” and “trouble” are used. We call boys little devils, little monsters, little terrors far more routinely than girls. Boys can graduate from fights in the playground to fighting in the streets, in gangs and then in prisons. Are these, and other destructive or unhelpful behaviour, some of the ways in which boys and men do try to tell us about their feelings, their sense of shame and, possibly, about abuse? | Ask someone to describe typical “boy” behaviour and I doubt it will be too long before the words such as “fight” and “trouble” are used. We call boys little devils, little monsters, little terrors far more routinely than girls. Boys can graduate from fights in the playground to fighting in the streets, in gangs and then in prisons. Are these, and other destructive or unhelpful behaviour, some of the ways in which boys and men do try to tell us about their feelings, their sense of shame and, possibly, about abuse? |
| Surely the improvements we need to make depend on us asking two key questions. What can we do to ensure that boys are fed fewer toxic messages about what their identity means, allowing them to be free to talk about their feelings honestly and openly and to ask for help when they need it? | Surely the improvements we need to make depend on us asking two key questions. What can we do to ensure that boys are fed fewer toxic messages about what their identity means, allowing them to be free to talk about their feelings honestly and openly and to ask for help when they need it? |
| And, second, what can we do to listen to our boys and men better, to make visible what might be hidden in plain sight – that underneath the bravado, fighting and criminality, or the sadness, depression and isolation, huddle frightened and abused little boys? | And, second, what can we do to listen to our boys and men better, to make visible what might be hidden in plain sight – that underneath the bravado, fighting and criminality, or the sadness, depression and isolation, huddle frightened and abused little boys? |
| Andy Connolly is chief executive at SurvivorsUK (www.survivorsuk.org), which deals with male rape and sexual abuse | Andy Connolly is chief executive at SurvivorsUK (www.survivorsuk.org), which deals with male rape and sexual abuse |
| Barry Bennell | Barry Bennell |
| Opinion | Opinion |
| Rape and sexual assault | Rape and sexual assault |
| comment | comment |
| Share on Facebook | Share on Facebook |
| Share on Twitter | Share on Twitter |
| Share via Email | Share via Email |
| Share on LinkedIn | Share on LinkedIn |
| Share on Pinterest | Share on Pinterest |
| Share on Google+ | Share on Google+ |
| Share on WhatsApp | Share on WhatsApp |
| Share on Messenger | Share on Messenger |
| Reuse this content | Reuse this content |