When a Good Friend Becomes a Terrible Colleague

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/09/business/good-friend-terrible-colleague.html

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A few months ago, I joined a new company, and began working with a friend whom I really value outside work. The trouble is that at the office, she is driving me crazy. And she’s possibly jeopardizing my good standing.

It turns out my friend is deeply insecure in her job. She throws tantrums several times a week, threatening to quit over minor things (and expecting me to walk her back from the cliff).

Worse, she undermines me, sometimes in front of bosses. Once she “pulled rank” on me, even though she has only been at the company a month longer than I have. She speaks up about projects that are in my area, not hers, but doesn’t actually help out. At a recent meeting with supervisors, she even presented my ideas as her own. On days when she is not in, I’m happy and productive.

This is wearing on me. I need to disconnect from her professionally while maintaining our friendship if possible. Our boss is very hands-off, and I feel there is no chance she would be helpful here. Please help.

ANONYMOUS

While you need to have some kind of talk with your friend, this does not have to be a relationship-wrecking confrontation, if you frame things carefully.

First, make some distinctions in your own mind between behaviors that are annoying (tantrums, the random butting-in) and those that are really potentially damaging (undermining you in front of your boss, stealing your ideas).

The latter you should address directly, just as you would with any colleague. Take on such problems as they arise, don’t let them slide — or, worse, pile up. Start with a frank response that lets her off the hook somewhat, but sends a clear message: “You presented my perpetual-motion machine concept as if it were yours — why did you do that?” If such habits persist, be more blunt: “Maybe you don’t mean it this way, but when you say X to our boss, that causes me problem Z.” Be civilized but firm, leaving out any “I know we’re friends, but …” caveats. (And if you feel clarifying, for instance, the ownership of an idea with your manager is useful, do so.)

Policing these more substantial offenses might make your work relationship more tolerable in general. If not, you still have room to draw some boundaries — and you might find the most effective way to do so is to position this as a reflection of your preferences, not her limitations.

For this conversation, I think you do want to reference your relationship: “Look, I really value our friendship, and maybe this is just my personality, but I think we should have some boundaries at the office so that work doesn’t complicate things between us. And after all, we work in different areas, so there’s no reason for me to involve myself in your work — and vice versa.” You can fill in whatever specifics make the most sense for you, but reiterate that this is about the friendship: It’s just not worth jeopardizing that over workplace pettiness.

My boss hired a good friend of his to work for our organization. She is talented and an asset to the group. They frequently go out to lunch together, with no invitations to anyone else in our small group to join them. I like them both and would like to join them for lunch occasionally; others in our group have also commented about being excluded from their lunches.

My boss may be clueless that his group resents the private lunches. But if I say something, I feel any resulting invitation would seem forced. Should I say something or stay quiet?

ELIZABETH, SAN DIEGO

Managers really should be more thoughtful about this sort of thing. As you suggest, he probably has no idea that anybody is aware of his lunch habits, let alone that anybody might have a problem with them.

That said, I’d start here on a note of caution that might help you clarify how to proceed. Are you confident that your group “resents” this behavior — as opposed to finding it vaguely bothersome? In other words, can you point to examples of actual consequences, small or large, of your boss’s lunch habits? Does the friend get some sort of preferential treatment, maybe surprisingly plum assignments or an unwarranted bonus?

In short, if there appear to be tangible consequences to this relationship that need to be addressed, then address those. As I’ve observed before, management should want to take action if cliques are undermining the enterprise in concrete ways.

And if you can’t point to concrete examples, think about what your grievance really is. Perhaps you could simply invite this new colleague to lunch yourself? Or make an effort to work with her directly on some project — which is a decent tactic for responding to office cliques in general. Focus on whether you’re being respected as a colleague, not as a pal.