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Why It’s So Hard to Hear Negative Feedback Why It’s So Hard to Hear Negative Feedback
(about 9 hours later)
Welcome to the Smarter Living newsletter. The editor, Tim Herrera, emails readers with tips and advice for living a better, more fulfilling life. Sign up here to get it in your inbox.Welcome to the Smarter Living newsletter. The editor, Tim Herrera, emails readers with tips and advice for living a better, more fulfilling life. Sign up here to get it in your inbox.
We’ve all been there: Your boss asks for a meeting, and you know it’s not going to be great. You messed up a project, or dropped the ball on a presentation, or whatever else goes wrong in the modern office, and it’s time for you to hear about it.We’ve all been there: Your boss asks for a meeting, and you know it’s not going to be great. You messed up a project, or dropped the ball on a presentation, or whatever else goes wrong in the modern office, and it’s time for you to hear about it.
The anxiety leading up to that meeting is almost paralyzing, and you already can tell that this conversation is going to wreck your week.The anxiety leading up to that meeting is almost paralyzing, and you already can tell that this conversation is going to wreck your week.
But what if we could train ourselves to crave that negative feedback? And that instead of anxiously worrying about those meetings, we could excitedly anticipate them?But what if we could train ourselves to crave that negative feedback? And that instead of anxiously worrying about those meetings, we could excitedly anticipate them?
This is the idea behind a fascinating episode of the TED podcast “WorkLife With Adam Grant” that dives into why we hate hearing negative feedback.This is the idea behind a fascinating episode of the TED podcast “WorkLife With Adam Grant” that dives into why we hate hearing negative feedback.
When we’re confronted with it, Adam explains, we have a physiological response: We tense up, our breathing gets shallower and our ego becomes so threatened it begins to limit the information that is let into our brains. We regulate to avoid taking in harsh critiques.When we’re confronted with it, Adam explains, we have a physiological response: We tense up, our breathing gets shallower and our ego becomes so threatened it begins to limit the information that is let into our brains. We regulate to avoid taking in harsh critiques.
In fact, a 2017 working paper from researchers at Harvard and the University of North Carolina said we sometimes go so far as to reshape our social networks in the office to avoid people who tend to give us negative feedback.In fact, a 2017 working paper from researchers at Harvard and the University of North Carolina said we sometimes go so far as to reshape our social networks in the office to avoid people who tend to give us negative feedback.
Why do we react this way to feedback that is ostensibly supposed to help us?Why do we react this way to feedback that is ostensibly supposed to help us?
Essentially, it’s because all of us are so awful at delivering negative feedback. It’s a self-reinforcing vicious circle that trains us to avoid what would make us better at work and in life.Essentially, it’s because all of us are so awful at delivering negative feedback. It’s a self-reinforcing vicious circle that trains us to avoid what would make us better at work and in life.
If this sounds familiar, it’s because a few months ago we talked about seeking out people who will give you unvarnished, honest and, most important, genuinely helpful feedback.If this sounds familiar, it’s because a few months ago we talked about seeking out people who will give you unvarnished, honest and, most important, genuinely helpful feedback.
The solution to this problem on both sides — whether you’re receiving the feedback or giving it — boils down to trusting that everyone is participating in good faith.The solution to this problem on both sides — whether you’re receiving the feedback or giving it — boils down to trusting that everyone is participating in good faith.
When you’re delivering negative feedback, do so honestly and openly, and frame the conversation as a difficult-yet-necessary means to an end of improving the receiver’s performance (and mean it!). Don’t sugarcoat it, either. Those “praise sandwiches” in which we surround a bad review with halfhearted, superficial compliments don’t help either side.When you’re delivering negative feedback, do so honestly and openly, and frame the conversation as a difficult-yet-necessary means to an end of improving the receiver’s performance (and mean it!). Don’t sugarcoat it, either. Those “praise sandwiches” in which we surround a bad review with halfhearted, superficial compliments don’t help either side.
If you’re receiving the feedback, frame it so it will ultimately lead to self-improvement. Yes, it can be tough to take. But imagine that on top of being judged on your job performance, you’ll also be judged on how you act on the feedback.If you’re receiving the feedback, frame it so it will ultimately lead to self-improvement. Yes, it can be tough to take. But imagine that on top of being judged on your job performance, you’ll also be judged on how you act on the feedback.
So the next time you receive harsh feedback, acknowledge that it can be hard to hear, but don’t sulk and shut down. Even if you’re given a C for performance, you can still earn an A for improvement. And eventually, like one CEO whom Adam interviews in his podcast, you can retrain your brain to actively seek out that feedback so you associate it not with anxiety, but with opportunity. So the next time you receive harsh feedback, acknowledge that it can be hard to hear, but don’t sulk and shut down. Even if you’re given a C for performance, you can still earn an A for improvement. And eventually, like one C.E.O. whom Adam interviews in his podcast, you can retrain your brain to actively seek out that feedback so you associate it not with anxiety, but with opportunity.
What are your tricks for dealing with negative feedback? Tweet me at @timherrera or email me at tim@nytimes.com.What are your tricks for dealing with negative feedback? Tweet me at @timherrera or email me at tim@nytimes.com.
Have a great week!Have a great week!
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