The Roadblock to a Healthy Relationship With Food

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/22/style/eating-disorder-triggers.html

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I am in recovery for an eating disorder that I’ve had for a decade. As part of my recovery plan, I’ve reduced the time I spend with friends who exhibit similar disordered patterns to mine. Interactions with them shake my resolve to stick with recovery. This change has been hugely helpful. But the main person who triggers my insecurities is my sister-in-law. I love her, but I can’t help noticing her disordered eating and feeling envious about it. What should I do?

ANONYMOUS

We need food to live, unlike booze or recreational drugs. Abstinence is not an option. So, props to you and to everyone else who navigates this painful but essential relationship every day. As for your sister-in-law, until you work out a plan with your therapist (or recovery group), avoid her. I get that you love her, but it’s not safe to be around her right now.

A pal of mine, in similar straits, invited her triggering person to a therapy session. It’s delicate business. There is no upside in accusing your sister-in-law of unhealthy behavior. Don’t do that. But it’s essential for you to work out how to be with her — and how to leave her when you have to.

Your family may pressure you to “get over it”; the cornucopia of family holidays won’t wait for your reconciliation, after all. Ignore them. Invest the time now to create a healthy relationship with her. I know (secondhand) how hard this is. I’m pulling for you.

We received a nice letter from the guy who is no longer engaged to marry our daughter. He expressed appreciation for our welcoming him into the family and regret that things did not work out. Do we send a short reply, or do we refrain out of loyalty to our daughter?

ANONYMOUS

My first impulse (in the absence of bigamy or a Stormy Daniels situation) was to greenlight a reply: “We enjoyed getting to know you. Good luck in the future.” Then I grew wary that this fellow may be seeking absolution that your daughter is unwilling to provide. My pendulum stopped at: Ask your daughter how she feels about it. I’d hate to see a reply used against you or cause your daughter (further) hurt. If asking her is out of the question, you already have your answer: Don’t do it!

My family is relocating and selling our home. Today, the Realtor held an open house. I learned that many of the attendees were neighbors — people with no intention of moving who don’t even know people in the market. I feel violated by this gross invasion of privacy: snooping through my children’s rooms and poking through my closets. One had the nerve to ask for the contractor who renovated my master bath. I’m furious! Am I wrong to feel this way?

AMANDA

Your outrage is almost enough to make me feel bad for all the Sundays I spent at open houses when I moved to New York. (Note the “almost.”) I couldn’t afford a spare subway token, much less an apartment on Jane Street — but what tasty cookies! Your pique won’t lessen the loveliness of Greta Gerwig’s film “Lady Bird” either, whose characters crash open houses to picture softer lives for themselves.

What you’re failing to see is that buying a home, while (theoretically) more expensive than snapping up a pair of Balenciaga sneakers, is on the shopping continuum. Have you never waltzed into a department store without a specific purchase in mind, just to browse? If you’re like me, you still walk out with shopping bags occasionally.

I get that hearth and home are sacred. But yours is also for sale. Your broker will verify that increasing the hordes that walk through will better the odds of selling it. Even if your neighbors aren’t in the market, I bet you’re wrong when you say they don’t know people who are. They are the natural emissaries for the ’hood and are probably talking up your place with friends and second cousins right now. Moving is stressful, but you’ll get through it.

On the train to D.C., many of us place our belongings on the seats next to us. It’s more comfortable to have extra space. Often, the conductor announces that the train is full and urges us to move our things. Almost no one does. I know I should, but if I do, someone is more likely to take the seat. I will be punished for courteousness, while the selfish sit in roomy comfort. What to do?

FRAYDA

Rudeness and rule breaking often confer benefits: Tax cheats have more spending money. Line cutters get to the bathroom first. But doing the right thing (here, thinking about everyone finding a seat, not just our own comfort) is a recipe for good citizenship. What’s more, it’s an easy way to feel slightly better about ourselves — even in the face of selfish scofflaws. Try it. You’ll see.