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| The hapless French mayor proves it – April Fools’ Day should be banned | The hapless French mayor proves it – April Fools’ Day should be banned |
| (7 months later) | |
| Caroline Cayeux, mayor of the French town Beauvais, has been forced to apologise for an April fool joke she made. The joke? Announcing that a new Ikea superstore was coming to town, creating 4,000 much-needed jobs in a region plagued by unemployment. “This is the culmination of a long struggle with other cities in the North of France! I fought and I congratulate myself!” she tweeted. But guess what? April fool! Ikea wouldn’t dream of opening a store in a weird little backwater that suffers the indignity of being twinned with Maidstone! It was all a joke! Everyone has to stay unemployed! LOL! | Caroline Cayeux, mayor of the French town Beauvais, has been forced to apologise for an April fool joke she made. The joke? Announcing that a new Ikea superstore was coming to town, creating 4,000 much-needed jobs in a region plagued by unemployment. “This is the culmination of a long struggle with other cities in the North of France! I fought and I congratulate myself!” she tweeted. But guess what? April fool! Ikea wouldn’t dream of opening a store in a weird little backwater that suffers the indignity of being twinned with Maidstone! It was all a joke! Everyone has to stay unemployed! LOL! |
| You might be tempted to call Cayeux’s prank the worst April fool of all time, but that would be to discount every other April fool in the history of the world. Listen, April Fools’ Day is terrible. It is a sweatbead on a blister on a pimple on the anus of humanity. It is the uncontested low point of every year. It’s where humour goes to die a million agonising deaths. Do not doubt my sincerity when I say this: April Fools’ Day should be banned. | You might be tempted to call Cayeux’s prank the worst April fool of all time, but that would be to discount every other April fool in the history of the world. Listen, April Fools’ Day is terrible. It is a sweatbead on a blister on a pimple on the anus of humanity. It is the uncontested low point of every year. It’s where humour goes to die a million agonising deaths. Do not doubt my sincerity when I say this: April Fools’ Day should be banned. |
| At least Cayeux’s prank was an actual prank. At least people initially fell for it, before they realised that it was just a cruel trick designed to play on their deepest fears. That’s rare these days. Increasingly, April Fools’ Day is becoming little more than an opportunity for brands to demonstrate their catastrophic Photoshop skills. Such as Lego, which this year announced a vacuum cleaner that sorts bricks by colour and size. Or Virgin Australia, which last year said it was replacing human cabin crews with dogs. | At least Cayeux’s prank was an actual prank. At least people initially fell for it, before they realised that it was just a cruel trick designed to play on their deepest fears. That’s rare these days. Increasingly, April Fools’ Day is becoming little more than an opportunity for brands to demonstrate their catastrophic Photoshop skills. Such as Lego, which this year announced a vacuum cleaner that sorts bricks by colour and size. Or Virgin Australia, which last year said it was replacing human cabin crews with dogs. |
| In 2015, during a liveblog for this publication, I discovered that House of Fraser had uploaded a picture of a woman standing next to a horse and written “Horse of Fraser” on it, and that was its April fool. That was it. That was literally it. A picture of a horse with the word “horse” written on it. Ha! You sure tricked us into thinking that, what, horses exist? Was that what you were trying to achieve? You cheeky pranksters. | In 2015, during a liveblog for this publication, I discovered that House of Fraser had uploaded a picture of a woman standing next to a horse and written “Horse of Fraser” on it, and that was its April fool. That was it. That was literally it. A picture of a horse with the word “horse” written on it. Ha! You sure tricked us into thinking that, what, horses exist? Was that what you were trying to achieve? You cheeky pranksters. |
| Some people have said that, in an era where terms such as “fake news” and “post-truth” are prevalent enough to corrode our trust in government and the media, April Fools’ Day has become little more than a painful reminder that all institutions are ultimately fallible. Others have said that the whole day is a sad indictment of the sort of harmful banter culture that stems from centuries of toxic hegemonic masculinity. But that’s not why I want to ban April Fools’ Day. I want to ban it because it’s rubbish. | Some people have said that, in an era where terms such as “fake news” and “post-truth” are prevalent enough to corrode our trust in government and the media, April Fools’ Day has become little more than a painful reminder that all institutions are ultimately fallible. Others have said that the whole day is a sad indictment of the sort of harmful banter culture that stems from centuries of toxic hegemonic masculinity. But that’s not why I want to ban April Fools’ Day. I want to ban it because it’s rubbish. |
| At the very least, it has strayed far from its intended purpose. There was a time when April Fools’ Day was a bucket of water balanced on a door, or clingfilm stretched across a toilet. It was a doughnut filled with mayonnaise, or a stock cube in a shower head. It was a day when you were allowed to irreparably damage your relationship with people you care about by being truly horrible to them. Sure, it was still terrible – maybe even more so because you would end up covered in urine and gravy – but at least you could focus your hate on the perpetrator. You can’t do that with a picture of a horse. Who has the energy? | At the very least, it has strayed far from its intended purpose. There was a time when April Fools’ Day was a bucket of water balanced on a door, or clingfilm stretched across a toilet. It was a doughnut filled with mayonnaise, or a stock cube in a shower head. It was a day when you were allowed to irreparably damage your relationship with people you care about by being truly horrible to them. Sure, it was still terrible – maybe even more so because you would end up covered in urine and gravy – but at least you could focus your hate on the perpetrator. You can’t do that with a picture of a horse. Who has the energy? |
| Robots can’t take my job – I’m irreplaceable | Robots can’t take my job – I’m irreplaceable |
| At first glance, the automation revolution sounds terrifying. It has just been reported that 66 million workers are likely to be replaced by robots in the coming years, potentially robbing them of their money and identity. | At first glance, the automation revolution sounds terrifying. It has just been reported that 66 million workers are likely to be replaced by robots in the coming years, potentially robbing them of their money and identity. |
| But I’m an optimist. The world has time to prepare for this seismic change, and if governments couple the rise of robotic workers with something like universal basic income, it could usher in what one writer has called “the greatest thing to ever happen to human culture”. Crawling out from beneath the tyranny of work, humanity could flourish like never before. The ideas we could have. The dreams we could chase. As a species, we would become unrecognisable. We would spiral upwards, endlessly, in a soaring dance of progress unprecedented in the entire history of life on Earth. At last, we would know true freedom. | But I’m an optimist. The world has time to prepare for this seismic change, and if governments couple the rise of robotic workers with something like universal basic income, it could usher in what one writer has called “the greatest thing to ever happen to human culture”. Crawling out from beneath the tyranny of work, humanity could flourish like never before. The ideas we could have. The dreams we could chase. As a species, we would become unrecognisable. We would spiral upwards, endlessly, in a soaring dance of progress unprecedented in the entire history of life on Earth. At last, we would know true freedom. |
| Except for me. | Except for me. |
| Because robots can’t do my job yet. Sure, they can build cars and process logistics and calculate tax and diagnose illnesses. But, so far, no program exists that can sufficiently offer a pithy sideways look at the world. You could argue that this is because it is a totally unnecessary job that adds nothing whatsoever to the human condition, and the world would roll on completely unchanged if it disappeared tomorrow. And I would agree. But, still, here I am. | Because robots can’t do my job yet. Sure, they can build cars and process logistics and calculate tax and diagnose illnesses. But, so far, no program exists that can sufficiently offer a pithy sideways look at the world. You could argue that this is because it is a totally unnecessary job that adds nothing whatsoever to the human condition, and the world would roll on completely unchanged if it disappeared tomorrow. And I would agree. But, still, here I am. |
| So laugh it up, replaceable proles. Two decades from now, you will be living in a glittering new Renaissance era that values high-minded leisure pursuits above all else. But I will still be stuck down here in the mines, glumly tapping out a succession of fitfully amusing and lightly satirical articles, scraping in a commensurate wage as your ancestors did before they knew any better. Google, if you are reading: please invent an opinionbot to put me out of my misery. | So laugh it up, replaceable proles. Two decades from now, you will be living in a glittering new Renaissance era that values high-minded leisure pursuits above all else. But I will still be stuck down here in the mines, glumly tapping out a succession of fitfully amusing and lightly satirical articles, scraping in a commensurate wage as your ancestors did before they knew any better. Google, if you are reading: please invent an opinionbot to put me out of my misery. |
| If only quokkas could take selfies | If only quokkas could take selfies |
| Quokkas are our only true source of joy. They are like great big guinea pigs who love humans and perpetually look as if they are having their tummies tickled. This is why Instagram is full of quokka selfies. But no more. Search #quokkaselfie and you’re shown a pop-up cautioning you about potential animal abuse. It’s a sensible precaution, but who wants to live in a world without quokka pictures? Google, scrap that opinionbot idea and start making quokka-sized smartphones. After all, upload a quokka selfie and we’ll be happy for a day, but teach a quokka how to upload selfies and we’ll all be happy for ever. | Quokkas are our only true source of joy. They are like great big guinea pigs who love humans and perpetually look as if they are having their tummies tickled. This is why Instagram is full of quokka selfies. But no more. Search #quokkaselfie and you’re shown a pop-up cautioning you about potential animal abuse. It’s a sensible precaution, but who wants to live in a world without quokka pictures? Google, scrap that opinionbot idea and start making quokka-sized smartphones. After all, upload a quokka selfie and we’ll be happy for a day, but teach a quokka how to upload selfies and we’ll all be happy for ever. |
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