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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/may/01/dont-ask-why-do-new-mothers-find-it-so-hard-to-ask-for-help
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| Don't ask! Why do new mothers find it so hard to ask for help? | Don't ask! Why do new mothers find it so hard to ask for help? |
| (about 1 month later) | |
| What wouldn’t a mother do for her newborn baby? The response expected of us by the media, by our history, by nothing less than the laws of nature is: nothing. There is nothing a parent wouldn’t do for their offspring, for they are our charge, our creation and our responsibility. As a new mother you’re required to be singularly devoted, while requiring in return only the blissful contentment of being in your baby’s presence. | What wouldn’t a mother do for her newborn baby? The response expected of us by the media, by our history, by nothing less than the laws of nature is: nothing. There is nothing a parent wouldn’t do for their offspring, for they are our charge, our creation and our responsibility. As a new mother you’re required to be singularly devoted, while requiring in return only the blissful contentment of being in your baby’s presence. |
| The truthful response sounds a little different. | The truthful response sounds a little different. |
| I’ve recently published a book of letters from 32 remarkable Australian women about their experiences of new motherhood. I asked each contributor to take on the enormously socially challenging task of being honest about what those early weeks at home with a newborn are really like. I asked them to depart from the prevailing narrative. Not to give the required answer but instead, to share their truth. Exquisitely brutal and greatly varied, the letters deliver exactly that. | I’ve recently published a book of letters from 32 remarkable Australian women about their experiences of new motherhood. I asked each contributor to take on the enormously socially challenging task of being honest about what those early weeks at home with a newborn are really like. I asked them to depart from the prevailing narrative. Not to give the required answer but instead, to share their truth. Exquisitely brutal and greatly varied, the letters deliver exactly that. |
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| Perhaps the most common question I’ve been asked since publication is why more of the mothers didn’t ask for help. If those early months were so hard, so exhausting and so utterly overwhelming as they’re described, then why didn’t more of these women simply ask for assistance. | Perhaps the most common question I’ve been asked since publication is why more of the mothers didn’t ask for help. If those early months were so hard, so exhausting and so utterly overwhelming as they’re described, then why didn’t more of these women simply ask for assistance. |
| Embedded deep in this inquiry is the assumption that if you ask, you shall receive – and that you shall receive without judgment. And boy oh boy, if there is any singular experience of new motherhood in the 21st century it is the inescapability of judgment. By asking for help new mothers open themselves up to a tidal wave of quiet – and not-so-quiet – disapproval of why on earth they need it. | Embedded deep in this inquiry is the assumption that if you ask, you shall receive – and that you shall receive without judgment. And boy oh boy, if there is any singular experience of new motherhood in the 21st century it is the inescapability of judgment. By asking for help new mothers open themselves up to a tidal wave of quiet – and not-so-quiet – disapproval of why on earth they need it. |
| The earliest moments of motherhood are synonymous with sacrifice. A mother sacrifices her bodily autonomy for not nine but almost 10 long months; sharing her shell with a new being. A mother sacrifices her control – and often her mental and physical health – during the painful process of childbirth. A mother, in the weeks and months that follow, puts the needs of another before her own; sacrificing her sense of self, her ambition and all too often, her happiness. While of course there are exceptions, it remains unusual for her male partner to share this early load in the same way. | The earliest moments of motherhood are synonymous with sacrifice. A mother sacrifices her bodily autonomy for not nine but almost 10 long months; sharing her shell with a new being. A mother sacrifices her control – and often her mental and physical health – during the painful process of childbirth. A mother, in the weeks and months that follow, puts the needs of another before her own; sacrificing her sense of self, her ambition and all too often, her happiness. While of course there are exceptions, it remains unusual for her male partner to share this early load in the same way. |
| We don’t normally use the word sacrifice to describe the newborn period. It’s supposed to be fuzzy and fluffy, sweet and milky and warm but a sacrifice is exactly what it is. The overwhelming love a mother feels towards her child might make those sacrifices worthwhile, but that doesn’t render them insignificant. A sacrifice remains a sacrifice regardless of the positives that may eventually flow. And when we sacrifice we should be entitled to mourn; a privilege new mothers are expressly prevented from. | We don’t normally use the word sacrifice to describe the newborn period. It’s supposed to be fuzzy and fluffy, sweet and milky and warm but a sacrifice is exactly what it is. The overwhelming love a mother feels towards her child might make those sacrifices worthwhile, but that doesn’t render them insignificant. A sacrifice remains a sacrifice regardless of the positives that may eventually flow. And when we sacrifice we should be entitled to mourn; a privilege new mothers are expressly prevented from. |
| To speak of loss of identity, of freedom and of independence is to be ungrateful for the person you love most in the world. To feel sadness for the life you’ve left behind is to insult those women who will never experience motherhood and dearly wish to. To be angry is to be unfeminine and unnatural and to ask for help? Well, to ask for help is an admission that you find the sacrifice too much. | To speak of loss of identity, of freedom and of independence is to be ungrateful for the person you love most in the world. To feel sadness for the life you’ve left behind is to insult those women who will never experience motherhood and dearly wish to. To be angry is to be unfeminine and unnatural and to ask for help? Well, to ask for help is an admission that you find the sacrifice too much. |
| Don’t save it for the duchess. All new mothers should be treated like royalty | Gaby Hinsliff | Don’t save it for the duchess. All new mothers should be treated like royalty | Gaby Hinsliff |
| We’ve reached the perverse point where being a mother who admits she needs help is akin to saying your child wasn’t worth the sacrifice. The suffering has become a badge of honour, worn in service to your family and proven through the Selfless Mother filter on Instagram. Paying for childcare is met with mutterings of “well, why did you have them in the first place?” and your kids behaving as kids do in public is a personal failing of the mother. Even ordinary, everyday requests for assistance from a domestic partner are reduced to “nagging” by sitcoms and soap operas. | We’ve reached the perverse point where being a mother who admits she needs help is akin to saying your child wasn’t worth the sacrifice. The suffering has become a badge of honour, worn in service to your family and proven through the Selfless Mother filter on Instagram. Paying for childcare is met with mutterings of “well, why did you have them in the first place?” and your kids behaving as kids do in public is a personal failing of the mother. Even ordinary, everyday requests for assistance from a domestic partner are reduced to “nagging” by sitcoms and soap operas. |
| The truth is that new mothers won’t start asking for the help they need until we consider their requests to be valid. Recognising that such a request is not about the scale of love she has for her child but the reality of her circumstance in that moment. To find motherhood overwhelming, is to be a mother. The role of mothering is not an easy one, nor will it ever be. But it could be made more manageable if we were all to pitch in. A mother is a person but to mother is a task to which anyone can contribute. | The truth is that new mothers won’t start asking for the help they need until we consider their requests to be valid. Recognising that such a request is not about the scale of love she has for her child but the reality of her circumstance in that moment. To find motherhood overwhelming, is to be a mother. The role of mothering is not an easy one, nor will it ever be. But it could be made more manageable if we were all to pitch in. A mother is a person but to mother is a task to which anyone can contribute. |
| And perhaps we could all try it, from time to time. Without being asked. | And perhaps we could all try it, from time to time. Without being asked. |
| Jamila Rivzi is the editor of The Motherhood, published by Penguin Random House, out now | Jamila Rivzi is the editor of The Motherhood, published by Penguin Random House, out now |
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