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| Failing Chris Grayling and the tale of the troublesome trains | Failing Chris Grayling and the tale of the troublesome trains |
| (about 1 month later) | |
| If you were writing a new series of The Thick of It, you’d hesitate to create a character like Chris Grayling for fear no one would believe in him. Even in the current cabinet, a confederacy of dunces where the sole qualifications for membership are being a bit dim and entirely incompetent, the transport secretary is a class apart. | If you were writing a new series of The Thick of It, you’d hesitate to create a character like Chris Grayling for fear no one would believe in him. Even in the current cabinet, a confederacy of dunces where the sole qualifications for membership are being a bit dim and entirely incompetent, the transport secretary is a class apart. |
| To say that Failing Grayling has more than his fair share of bad days is a category error. Because that implies he has the occasional good one. He doesn’t. Every day is a desperate, losing struggle against the chaos caused by his own hopelessness. But even for a man who has turned his failure into a monumental work of performance art, Monday hit a new low. Or, as Grayling might see it, a total triumph. The moment he formally achieved the coveted status of the idiot’s idiot. | To say that Failing Grayling has more than his fair share of bad days is a category error. Because that implies he has the occasional good one. He doesn’t. Every day is a desperate, losing struggle against the chaos caused by his own hopelessness. But even for a man who has turned his failure into a monumental work of performance art, Monday hit a new low. Or, as Grayling might see it, a total triumph. The moment he formally achieved the coveted status of the idiot’s idiot. |
| The day began badly for Failing Grayling with him having to cancel meetings with MPs to discuss the timetable chaos on Northern and Southern rail due to the chaos in his own timetable. And that was the highpoint. Shortly after 5pm, late enough in the afternoon for those MPs who had travelled in from outside London to be present in the chamber – provided they had started their journeys the day before, that is – the transport secretary stood up to give a statement on what had been going wrong with train services. | The day began badly for Failing Grayling with him having to cancel meetings with MPs to discuss the timetable chaos on Northern and Southern rail due to the chaos in his own timetable. And that was the highpoint. Shortly after 5pm, late enough in the afternoon for those MPs who had travelled in from outside London to be present in the chamber – provided they had started their journeys the day before, that is – the transport secretary stood up to give a statement on what had been going wrong with train services. |
| Or not. Grayling was even more confused than usual as he tried to make sense of the situation. His voice was pinched, his cheek twitched uncontrollably throughout and he appeared to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The railways hadn’t been working properly, he declared. And he was determined to find out why. He had spent the whole morning looking for the person in charge of the department but had yet to locate him. But when he did, he would be giving him a piece of his mind. In the meantime, though, he would be setting up an inquiry into why the trains were so rubbish. | Or not. Grayling was even more confused than usual as he tried to make sense of the situation. His voice was pinched, his cheek twitched uncontrollably throughout and he appeared to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The railways hadn’t been working properly, he declared. And he was determined to find out why. He had spent the whole morning looking for the person in charge of the department but had yet to locate him. But when he did, he would be giving him a piece of his mind. In the meantime, though, he would be setting up an inquiry into why the trains were so rubbish. |
| The new May timetable would be phased in without telling anyone. That way no one could complain if they were late | The new May timetable would be phased in without telling anyone. That way no one could complain if they were late |
| Andy McDonald, shadow transport secretary, was unimpressed and called on Grayling to do the decent thing and resign. “If the prime minister wasn’t so enfeebled, she’d have sacked you by now,” he observed. This wasn’t entirely fair as it didn’t allow for the fact that Theresa May might actually be a sadist who delights in Grayling’s misery. Besides which, his uselessness has its uses. Compared to him, she looks like a political colossus. | Andy McDonald, shadow transport secretary, was unimpressed and called on Grayling to do the decent thing and resign. “If the prime minister wasn’t so enfeebled, she’d have sacked you by now,” he observed. This wasn’t entirely fair as it didn’t allow for the fact that Theresa May might actually be a sadist who delights in Grayling’s misery. Besides which, his uselessness has its uses. Compared to him, she looks like a political colossus. |
| Gripping his right arm tightly with his left hand in a vain effort to stop it shaking – he’d lost control of his body as well as the trains – Failing Grayling blundered on. He had implemented a reduced timetable so that rail users could have the satisfaction of knowing that their services had been officially cancelled in advance rather than arbitrarily cancelled on the day. By this logic, if he cancelled every train service, customer satisfaction levels would reach 100% | Gripping his right arm tightly with his left hand in a vain effort to stop it shaking – he’d lost control of his body as well as the trains – Failing Grayling blundered on. He had implemented a reduced timetable so that rail users could have the satisfaction of knowing that their services had been officially cancelled in advance rather than arbitrarily cancelled on the day. By this logic, if he cancelled every train service, customer satisfaction levels would reach 100% |
| “We need to get this right,” Grayling said. So what would happen over the next few months would be that various services on the new May timetable would be phased in without telling anyone. That way no one could complain if they were late. And it was his ambition that the May timetable would be fully operational by December: just in time for the December timetable to be cancelled and phased in by the following May. | “We need to get this right,” Grayling said. So what would happen over the next few months would be that various services on the new May timetable would be phased in without telling anyone. That way no one could complain if they were late. And it was his ambition that the May timetable would be fully operational by December: just in time for the December timetable to be cancelled and phased in by the following May. |
| The Guardian view on Chris Grayling: part of the problem, not the solution | Editorial | The Guardian view on Chris Grayling: part of the problem, not the solution | Editorial |
| Normally on these occasions, ministers can rely on their own backbenchers to give them a respite from the kicking. But hell hath no fury like a commuter scorned, so the Tories queued up alongside the opposition MPs to side with their constituents and let Grayling know just how much they despised him. When even Chris Philp, the brownest of Tory brown-nosers, turns on you then you know the game is up. | Normally on these occasions, ministers can rely on their own backbenchers to give them a respite from the kicking. But hell hath no fury like a commuter scorned, so the Tories queued up alongside the opposition MPs to side with their constituents and let Grayling know just how much they despised him. When even Chris Philp, the brownest of Tory brown-nosers, turns on you then you know the game is up. |
| By now, Grayling was a wreck. A shell of a person who had lost all track of space, time and language and was reduced to talking nonsense. When Labour’s Helen Hayes asked if Thameslink shouldn’t be subsumed into Transport for London, all Failing could do was sob, “Arriva”. Going for the mercy killing, Labour’s Stephen Doughty pointed out that it wasn’t just trains in the north and the south that were hopeless. Great Western was also pitiful. Grayling looked pathetically grateful. At least this showed he was meeting his equal opportunities targets in running a uniformly bad service. | By now, Grayling was a wreck. A shell of a person who had lost all track of space, time and language and was reduced to talking nonsense. When Labour’s Helen Hayes asked if Thameslink shouldn’t be subsumed into Transport for London, all Failing could do was sob, “Arriva”. Going for the mercy killing, Labour’s Stephen Doughty pointed out that it wasn’t just trains in the north and the south that were hopeless. Great Western was also pitiful. Grayling looked pathetically grateful. At least this showed he was meeting his equal opportunities targets in running a uniformly bad service. |
| “It’s completely unacceptable to have someone operationally in control and not taking responsibility,” Failing Grayling declared hysterically. At that moment, satire died. | “It’s completely unacceptable to have someone operationally in control and not taking responsibility,” Failing Grayling declared hysterically. At that moment, satire died. |
| Chris Grayling | Chris Grayling |
| The politics sketch | The politics sketch |
| Rail transport | Rail transport |
| Rail industry | Rail industry |
| Transport | Transport |
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