Tony Blair has no idea what his children are up to, says his wife Cherie, because they don't call him. Yet as university term begins, and thousands of teenagers cut the apron strings, the pressure to phone home seems to be greater than ever.
Tony Blair has no idea what his children are up to, says his wife Cherie, because they don't call him. Yet as university term begins, and thousands of teenagers cut the apron strings, the pressure to phone home seems to be greater than ever.
"Some children talk to their parents," huffed Maureen Lipman's excruciating grandmother at her middle aged son Melvin in the 1980s BT adverts as she threatened to come to his office and bring him a jumper and a sandwich.
"Some children talk to their parents," huffed Maureen Lipman's excruciating grandmother at her middle aged son Melvin in the 1980s BT adverts as she threatened to come to his office and bring him a jumper and a sandwich.
There's a thousand other representations in movies and sitcoms of the adult-child being encouraged by their parents - sometimes with menace - to ring home more often. Frankly, they don't call their dad Cherie Blair
There's a thousand other representations in movies and sitcoms of the adult-child being encouraged by their parents - sometimes with menace - to ring home more often. Frankly, they don't call their dad Cherie Blair
In the November issue of Vanity Fair you can find an extraordinary insight into 21st Century Western parental relationships with adult children, in an interview with Cherie Blair.
In the November issue of Vanity Fair you can find an extraordinary insight into 21st Century Western parental relationships with adult children, in an interview with Cherie Blair.
The wife of the former prime minister, one of the country's most prominent QCs, and now an author, is organising the fixing of a flood in her 24-year-old son Euan's new flat. He is away on business in Japan.
The wife of the former prime minister, one of the country's most prominent QCs, and now an author, is organising the fixing of a flood in her 24-year-old son Euan's new flat. He is away on business in Japan.
The writer of the piece observes: "Cherie is trying to sort out the mess while calming Euan with soothing maternal noises, like a mother bird cooing to her distressed fledgling by long-distance telephone."
The writer of the piece observes: "Cherie is trying to sort out the mess while calming Euan with soothing maternal noises, like a mother bird cooing to her distressed fledgling by long-distance telephone."
Not so many moons ago a key indicator of a successful entry to adulthood was leaving home, finding economic and social independence and not having to rely on your parents for anything.
Not so many moons ago a key indicator of a successful entry to adulthood was leaving home, finding economic and social independence and not having to rely on your parents for anything.
Crumpled messages
Crumpled messages
But today there is a generational shift and it is best demonstrated by the expectation that adult children will regularly call their parents. It's an expectation that can finally be met by the arrival of the mobile telephone.
But today there is a generational shift and it is best demonstrated by the expectation that adult children will regularly call their parents. It's an expectation that can finally be met by the arrival of the mobile telephone.
Twenty, and perhaps even 10, years ago, if your child toddled off to university, contact was not easy. Long queues at payphones in halls provided the perfect excuse for the fresher's calls to only be sporadic. The anxious parents could leave messages, but crumpled scraps of paper could easily flutter down corridors before being read. Mrs Blair is heavily involved in her children's lives
Twenty, and perhaps even 10, years ago, if your child toddled off to university, contact was not easy. Long queues at payphones in halls provided the perfect excuse for the fresher's calls to only be sporadic. The anxious parents could leave messages, but crumpled scraps of paper could easily flutter down corridors before being read. Mrs Blair is heavily involved in her children's lives
"If we compare it to even five years ago," says Martina Klett-Davies, a research fellow at the Family and Parenting Institute, "kids didn't necessarily have a mobile phone. Because of the internet and Skype there's a lot more contact between people than there's ever been before. Not so long ago you only had letters."
"If we compare it to even five years ago," says Martina Klett-Davies, a research fellow at the Family and Parenting Institute, "kids didn't necessarily have a mobile phone. Because of the internet and Skype there's a lot more contact between people than there's ever been before. Not so long ago you only had letters."
And the fact that the parent knows the child can be easily contacted, creates an expectation of more regular contact.
And the fact that the parent knows the child can be easily contacted, creates an expectation of more regular contact.
"You need to be available on your phone a great deal. Whether you consider that to be surveillance or mum showing her love depends on the individual student."
"You need to be available on your phone a great deal. Whether you consider that to be surveillance or mum showing her love depends on the individual student."
But as the Blair example shows, many now consider it strange if the adult children are not now in regular contact. "Frankly, they don't call their dad," Mrs Blair reveals.
But as the Blair example shows, many now consider it strange if the adult children are not now in regular contact. "Frankly, they don't call their dad," Mrs Blair reveals.
'Digital leash'
'Digital leash'
Of course, while university, with the increased parental financial contribution , might be considered an extension of childhood, the working years of the 20s and 30s seem a bit of stretch.
Of course, while university, with the increased parental financial contribution , might be considered an extension of childhood, the working years of the 20s and 30s seem a bit of stretch.
Frank Furedi, author of Paranoid Parenting, calls the mobile "the digital leash". My mother-in-law was a duty sort - you had to visit every Sunday, the children had to phone her Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays Claire Rayner
Frank Furedi, author of Paranoid Parenting, calls the mobile "the digital leash". My mother-in-law was a duty sort - you had to visit every Sunday, the children had to phone her Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays Claire Rayner
"With the invention of the digital leash you have a situation where parents feel they need to be in day-to-day contact with them.
"With the invention of the digital leash you have a situation where parents feel they need to be in day-to-day contact with them.
"Parenting has become a job for life rather than something that you end when the kids leave home. These days because parents have lived through their children for so long they find it hard to let go. The boundaries have become ill-defined."
"Parenting has become a job for life rather than something that you end when the kids leave home. These days because parents have lived through their children for so long they find it hard to let go. The boundaries have become ill-defined."
Typically ringing his parents' home once every two weeks, 21-year-old student Alec Williams is one of the less frequent callers among his peers.
Typically ringing his parents' home once every two weeks, 21-year-old student Alec Williams is one of the less frequent callers among his peers.
"Sometimes it will be longer. I sort of phone them to check. My mum will call me if she hasn't heard from me for a while⦠she is a bit of a worrier. Sometimes I ring because of money reasons, practical problems, sometimes I ring just to let her know what's going on."
"Sometimes it will be longer. I sort of phone them to check. My mum will call me if she hasn't heard from me for a while⦠she is a bit of a worrier. Sometimes I ring because of money reasons, practical problems, sometimes I ring just to let her know what's going on."
Busy lives
Busy lives
It's important to avoid rules on calls from adult children, says agony aunt Claire Rayner.
It's important to avoid rules on calls from adult children, says agony aunt Claire Rayner.
"There can be absolutely no rules about it. Different people have different lives. I've three adult children - my daughter rings me virtually every day. I've two boys - one rings me less frequently but it doesn't matter. A phone has two ends, I can phone them. 'Euan? Euan? Are you there?'
"There can be absolutely no rules about it. Different people have different lives. I've three adult children - my daughter rings me virtually every day. I've two boys - one rings me less frequently but it doesn't matter. A phone has two ends, I can phone them. 'Euan? Euan? Are you there?'
"The most terrible thing you can do in family life is to make hard and fast rules. Your offspring are leading busy, packed career based lives. My mother-in-law was a duty sort. You had to visit every Sunday, the children had to phone her Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays."
"The most terrible thing you can do in family life is to make hard and fast rules. Your offspring are leading busy, packed career based lives. My mother-in-law was a duty sort. You had to visit every Sunday, the children had to phone her Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays."
It is important for parents to realise when to let go, says Dame Jane Roberts, chairwoman of Parenting UK, whose only son is about to go to university.
It is important for parents to realise when to let go, says Dame Jane Roberts, chairwoman of Parenting UK, whose only son is about to go to university.
"I used to ring home once a week but we didn't have mobile phones in those days. It is a big deal for parents - the empty nest. But parenthood is all about letting go - right from the earliest time from when they become a separate being."
"I used to ring home once a week but we didn't have mobile phones in those days. It is a big deal for parents - the empty nest. But parenthood is all about letting go - right from the earliest time from when they become a separate being."
And there are some who think that the frequent phone calls and continued parenting in a child's 20s are related to the trend for "helicopter parenting" of teenagers. In this model, the parents hover constantly over children in circumstances which traditionally would see the child pushing out on their own.
And there are some who think that the frequent phone calls and continued parenting in a child's 20s are related to the trend for "helicopter parenting" of teenagers. In this model, the parents hover constantly over children in circumstances which traditionally would see the child pushing out on their own.
Flabbergasted bosses
Flabbergasted bosses
Universities in the UK now invite parents to open days and they are often involved in the selection process.
Universities in the UK now invite parents to open days and they are often involved in the selection process.
"I'm also a lecturer at the London School of Economics and there are parents who come in with their children," says Ms Klett-Davies. "Parents consider themselves their children's contemporary or friend or guardian or a mentor. Maybe it reflects the increasing pressures and competition."
"I'm also a lecturer at the London School of Economics and there are parents who come in with their children," says Ms Klett-Davies. "Parents consider themselves their children's contemporary or friend or guardian or a mentor. Maybe it reflects the increasing pressures and competition."
In the US, there are even cases where flabbergasted bosses have had to talk to the parents of mollycoddled twentysomethings, says parenting expert Jim Fay, of the Love and Logic company.
In the US, there are even cases where flabbergasted bosses have had to talk to the parents of mollycoddled twentysomethings, says parenting expert Jim Fay, of the Love and Logic company.
"It's got out of hand - 'the world's longest umbilical cord'. They say 'here talk to my mother, she will straighten this out'.
"It's got out of hand - 'the world's longest umbilical cord'. They say 'here talk to my mother, she will straighten this out'.
"Parents are more confused about their role than ever before in history. As a result the kids are growing up not prepared for the rigours of living in a modern society."
"Parents are more confused about their role than ever before in history. As a result the kids are growing up not prepared for the rigours of living in a modern society."
At the root of it is the issue of parent-adult child telephone contact. Of course, there are plenty of people who would say that speaking to your twenty or thirtysomething child a few times a week is just an indication of how getting started in life has become harder.
At the root of it is the issue of parent-adult child telephone contact. Of course, there are plenty of people who would say that speaking to your twenty or thirtysomething child a few times a week is just an indication of how getting started in life has become harder.
If children need help with deposits for houses and with bills, and can no longer aspire to a job for life, perhaps it is understandable why they want to touch base so often.
If children need help with deposits for houses and with bills, and can no longer aspire to a job for life, perhaps it is understandable why they want to touch base so often.
And as parents get older the relationship of care and responsibility is steadily reversed. Many older parents need to hear from their children. A recent survey by Help the Aged found one in five adults do not contact their older fathers at all.
And as parents get older the relationship of care and responsibility is steadily reversed. Many older parents need to hear from their children. A recent survey by Help the Aged found one in five adults do not contact their older fathers at all.
In a society where families are flung far and wide, there are increasing numbers of parents suffering social isolation.
In a society where families are flung far and wide, there are increasing numbers of parents suffering social isolation.
Perhaps you really should ring your parents tonight.
Perhaps you really should ring your parents tonight.
