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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jul/11/heatwave-joke-freelancers-sun-edinburgh-show
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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
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| This heatwave is no joke – especially for us freelance comedians | This heatwave is no joke – especially for us freelance comedians |
| (about 1 month later) | |
| For the UK workforce, it’s another sweltering day. The heatwave seems to have set up permanent residence on British soil before Brexit puts a halt to any free movement of Mediterranean climates. You can’t remember a time when you weren’t complaining to Amanda in HR about the lack of air conditioning, deliriously shoving your colleagues out the way to get to the water-cooler or pouring sun lotion on to your Shreddies. | For the UK workforce, it’s another sweltering day. The heatwave seems to have set up permanent residence on British soil before Brexit puts a halt to any free movement of Mediterranean climates. You can’t remember a time when you weren’t complaining to Amanda in HR about the lack of air conditioning, deliriously shoving your colleagues out the way to get to the water-cooler or pouring sun lotion on to your Shreddies. |
| Britain's having a heatwave! Here's how to cope | Hannah Jane Parkinson | Britain's having a heatwave! Here's how to cope | Hannah Jane Parkinson |
| However, for the self-employed (like us comedians), this extreme heat brings with it an optimistic beam of sunlight shining through the blinds of our bedroom office. Things suddenly seem a bit brighter; you’ve almost forgotten that you have no job security, pension or sick leave. Because, on the plus side, you also have no office to get to. Maybe today your office could be a swimming pool, a beach or even a beer garden. | However, for the self-employed (like us comedians), this extreme heat brings with it an optimistic beam of sunlight shining through the blinds of our bedroom office. Things suddenly seem a bit brighter; you’ve almost forgotten that you have no job security, pension or sick leave. Because, on the plus side, you also have no office to get to. Maybe today your office could be a swimming pool, a beach or even a beer garden. |
| As your 9-5 flatmate pops off for her breakfast meeting, competing for oxygen on public transport with other commuters, you breathe a sigh of relief and pop on a swimsuit. Self-employed sunbathing park-dwellers are the envy of every person on a payroll, as they savour that one-hour lunch break catching some rays, shovelling in a tuna niçoise outside Pret. And you’re not wrong: we do indeed have the optimum conditions in place for a Vitamin D-inspired working day. The only thing rapidly wilting in the heat? Self-discipline. | As your 9-5 flatmate pops off for her breakfast meeting, competing for oxygen on public transport with other commuters, you breathe a sigh of relief and pop on a swimsuit. Self-employed sunbathing park-dwellers are the envy of every person on a payroll, as they savour that one-hour lunch break catching some rays, shovelling in a tuna niçoise outside Pret. And you’re not wrong: we do indeed have the optimum conditions in place for a Vitamin D-inspired working day. The only thing rapidly wilting in the heat? Self-discipline. |
| There is no line manager checking if you turn up for work on time, or to tell you that it’s inappropriate to send emails in your bikini. You just have your guilty conscience to contend with – and, more importantly, your dwindling bank balance. Chances are, if you’re self-employed, the days you’re failing to work because of the sun, you won’t be getting paid either. Instead of responding to important emails or touting for more work, you are left asking questions like: can you claim a Cornetto as expenses on your tax return if you are convinced your productivity increased exponentially after you consumed it? | There is no line manager checking if you turn up for work on time, or to tell you that it’s inappropriate to send emails in your bikini. You just have your guilty conscience to contend with – and, more importantly, your dwindling bank balance. Chances are, if you’re self-employed, the days you’re failing to work because of the sun, you won’t be getting paid either. Instead of responding to important emails or touting for more work, you are left asking questions like: can you claim a Cornetto as expenses on your tax return if you are convinced your productivity increased exponentially after you consumed it? |
| Loss of earnings don’t come purely from a lack of self-motivation. There are a whole host of additional heatwave costs you hadn’t budgeted for as the CEO of yourself during the AGM you held in your own kitchen at the end of the last financial year: | Loss of earnings don’t come purely from a lack of self-motivation. There are a whole host of additional heatwave costs you hadn’t budgeted for as the CEO of yourself during the AGM you held in your own kitchen at the end of the last financial year: |
| 1. Replacing the laptop you melted in the midday sun | 1. Replacing the laptop you melted in the midday sun |
| 2. Missed meetings because you’re too sunburnt to Skype | 2. Missed meetings because you’re too sunburnt to Skype |
| 3. Sourcing illegal quantities of Piriton on the dark web. | 3. Sourcing illegal quantities of Piriton on the dark web. |
| Of course, a self-employed plumber in Swansea will incur different heatwave obstacles to those faced by a metropolitan elite writer struggling to scribble down some jokes on a Macbook while drinking an Aperol spritz, so please adjust this list accordingly. | Of course, a self-employed plumber in Swansea will incur different heatwave obstacles to those faced by a metropolitan elite writer struggling to scribble down some jokes on a Macbook while drinking an Aperol spritz, so please adjust this list accordingly. |
| This heatwave is just the start. Britain has to adapt to climate change, fast | Simon Lewis | This heatwave is just the start. Britain has to adapt to climate change, fast | Simon Lewis |
| Structuring your own working day in these soaring temperatures can be a struggle. Do you spend the morning sending off your late invoices or do you Instagram the incredible tan-lines on your feet? Do you update your website after lunch or do you Google the long-term health benefits of siestas? Do you wrap up the day with that important call or do you go to the nearest watering hole to secure a good seat to watch the next World Cup game? You never realised you were so interested in Saudia Arabia v Uruguay, but suddenly it’s the most important match of your life. Even if you are lucky enough to get sunstroke, which forces you indoors, you can always procrastinate with Love Island on demand and pretend you’re still in the sun. | Structuring your own working day in these soaring temperatures can be a struggle. Do you spend the morning sending off your late invoices or do you Instagram the incredible tan-lines on your feet? Do you update your website after lunch or do you Google the long-term health benefits of siestas? Do you wrap up the day with that important call or do you go to the nearest watering hole to secure a good seat to watch the next World Cup game? You never realised you were so interested in Saudia Arabia v Uruguay, but suddenly it’s the most important match of your life. Even if you are lucky enough to get sunstroke, which forces you indoors, you can always procrastinate with Love Island on demand and pretend you’re still in the sun. |
| The next day of the heatwave arrives. Do you finish writing your Edinburgh show, or do you write an article for Guardian about not writing your Edinburgh show because of the heatwave … just so you have a valid excuse to spend more time researching the heatwave? For example, did you know nude sunbathing is legal as long as you don’t upset your neighbours? So are we writing this naked? Potentially. | The next day of the heatwave arrives. Do you finish writing your Edinburgh show, or do you write an article for Guardian about not writing your Edinburgh show because of the heatwave … just so you have a valid excuse to spend more time researching the heatwave? For example, did you know nude sunbathing is legal as long as you don’t upset your neighbours? So are we writing this naked? Potentially. |
| At this point, in a piece about employment, we would make some serious satirical comments about people on zero-hours contracts and the failures of the work and pensions secretary in implementing universal credit fairly. But we’re too hot, and preoccupied with whether to have an iced coffee or take out a payday loan to pay next month’s rent. We also don’t know where the nearest plug socket is in this park and our battery is in the red. | At this point, in a piece about employment, we would make some serious satirical comments about people on zero-hours contracts and the failures of the work and pensions secretary in implementing universal credit fairly. But we’re too hot, and preoccupied with whether to have an iced coffee or take out a payday loan to pay next month’s rent. We also don’t know where the nearest plug socket is in this park and our battery is in the red. |
| • Lola Stephenson and Jo Griffin are writers and comedians. Their show, Lola and Jo: Focus Groupies, is on at Edinburgh Underbelly from 2-26 August | • Lola Stephenson and Jo Griffin are writers and comedians. Their show, Lola and Jo: Focus Groupies, is on at Edinburgh Underbelly from 2-26 August |
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