Airbnb Reviews of My Childhood Home

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/20/opinion/airbnb-reviews-of-my-childhood-home.html

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I chose My Childhood Home as a convenient weekend rental while in town for an old friend’s wedding. However, right away there were problems. Each morning, around 10:30, the hosts started doing chores so loudly it almost seemed on purpose. I tried to sleep through it, but one of the hosts burst into my bedroom with a vacuum, claiming she needed to “get under the bed.” Eventually it was too loud to sleep, so I just gave up and went downstairs to get breakfast where the other host was very snotty: He said “good afternoon” when he saw me, but I don’t think he meant it at all. ★★½

My Thanksgiving stay at My Childhood Home was pleasant and the hosts were generous. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were provided, as well as snacks. Even when they were not requested. Especially when they were not requested. Once, a plate of plain shredded chicken simply appeared on the coffee table next to me while I was already in the middle of eating a pizza. I would complain, but I did end up eating the chicken without really realizing it. ★★★½

I am happy to say that My Childhood Home was very clean and organized, and, in general, smelled like pine and wool blankets. However, on the second day of my trip, I walked into the living room and was absolutely overwhelmed by what I could only describe as “the smell of fourth grade.” While not necessarily an unpleasant experience, it did make me feel so confused and nostalgic that I had to sit down for a second. ★★★

I do not typically complain in reviews, but my most recent stay at My Childhood Home was truly a nightmare. Upon arrival, I asked the hosts a simple question: where they were storing my old baseball glove, which, as everyone knows, is signed by the former White Sox designated hitter Frank Thomas. Not only did they claim not to have seen it in years, which in itself was ridiculous, as I clearly remember putting it on a shelf in the garage for safekeeping in 1999, but they then went so far as to claim that for all they knew, they had probably given it away years ago!! I am trying to remain calm, but clearly nothing is sacred!!! ★½

Dear Airbnb Support: Is there a way that you can relay the message to the hosts of My Childhood Home that yes, I have seen the new window boxes out front, and yes, I think they look very nice, and no, I don’t think they clash with the bushes, and yes, I do agree that daisies are classic without being clichéd, and sure, I guess I also think this will “really go to show the Brookheimers.” I am physically incapable of answering these questions anymore and would love it if Customer Support could step in. ★★

I often choose My Childhood Home for my stay when I am in town because of its affordability, but more and more, I am wondering if it is worth it. Now, whenever I visit, the host will dump a pile of my old trinkets and report cards on the bed, and tell me to go through it and take anything I want, because otherwise she’s throwing it out.If the hosts didn’t want their home to exist forever as a Museum to My 6-Year-Old Self, then why did they even have kids in the first place?? ★★

I rarely give one-star reviews, but ever since the hosts remodeled the kitchen last year, none of my cereal bowls are where they used to be. ★

Following a bad breakup, I needed a brief getaway, so I chose My Childhood Home. Overall, I had a pleasant stay, but the hosts and I did get into an argument about the wine décor. I ignored the Mason jar full of corks. I said nothing about the clock that read, “It’s wine o’clock.” But then I saw that the hosts had recently purchased three signs that read: Pinot. Cabernet. Riesling. “So, what, you’re just a fan of ANY pinot?” I asked them. “Just in GENERAL? Doesn’t even matter if it’s pinot noir or pinot grigio? Anyone could make some wine in their toilet, call it a pinot, and what, you’d still love it so much you’d dedicate a house full of mass market art to it?” The hosts then accused me of being in a bad mood because of the breakup and taking it out on everyone, and I burst into tears and the hosts awkwardly patted me on the back until I stopped, and we never got back to the topic of their stupid signs. ★★★★

(However, when I return to My Childhood Home for Thanksgiving, I will certainly be bringing up the lighthouse-themed items that are, without explanation, beginning to creep into every corner of the home. To start, if the hosts are so interested in maritime activities, one might assume they would have let this reviewer go on Jake Benson’s parents’ boat with the rest of the juniors after prom, but we all know how that turned out.)

Riane Konc is a humor writer and essayist.