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| How to Ask for Help and Actually Get It | How to Ask for Help and Actually Get It |
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| Welcome to the Smarter Living newsletter. Editor Tim Herrera emails readers with tips and advice for living a better, more fulfilling life. Sign up here to get it in your inbox. | Welcome to the Smarter Living newsletter. Editor Tim Herrera emails readers with tips and advice for living a better, more fulfilling life. Sign up here to get it in your inbox. |
| It’s an ethos so culturally ingrained in us that it’s hard to see beyond: Self-reliance is paramount, and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps to solve your own problems is a matter of character. | It’s an ethos so culturally ingrained in us that it’s hard to see beyond: Self-reliance is paramount, and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps to solve your own problems is a matter of character. |
| Of course, that’s not quite how the world works. All of us need help from time to time, and the ability to ask is a learnable skill we seldom think about but one that can have a monumental impact on our goals and lives. | Of course, that’s not quite how the world works. All of us need help from time to time, and the ability to ask is a learnable skill we seldom think about but one that can have a monumental impact on our goals and lives. |
| The simple act of asking is riddled with self-reinforcing obstacles and pitfalls, some of which are instinctual, according to Heidi Grant, a social psychologist and author of the book “Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You.” | The simple act of asking is riddled with self-reinforcing obstacles and pitfalls, some of which are instinctual, according to Heidi Grant, a social psychologist and author of the book “Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You.” |
| “Although the idea of asking for even a small amount of help makes most of us horribly uncomfortable, the truth about modern work is that we rely, more than ever, on the cooperation and support of others,” Ms. Grant writes. | “Although the idea of asking for even a small amount of help makes most of us horribly uncomfortable, the truth about modern work is that we rely, more than ever, on the cooperation and support of others,” Ms. Grant writes. |
| Indeed, the reality is that much of the anxiety around asking for help is in our head: A 2008 study from Cornell found that subjects “underestimated by as much as 50 percent the likelihood that others would agree to a direct request for help.” Organizational psychologist Adam Grant (no relation to Ms. Grant) even says that asking for help on specific problems can be better than cultivating a mentor. | Indeed, the reality is that much of the anxiety around asking for help is in our head: A 2008 study from Cornell found that subjects “underestimated by as much as 50 percent the likelihood that others would agree to a direct request for help.” Organizational psychologist Adam Grant (no relation to Ms. Grant) even says that asking for help on specific problems can be better than cultivating a mentor. |
| In other words, people want to help you. But you have to ask. | In other words, people want to help you. But you have to ask. |
| So how do you ask? According to Ms. Grant, there are four crucial steps. | So how do you ask? According to Ms. Grant, there are four crucial steps. |
| First, make sure the person you want to ask realizes you need help. Thanks to a phenomenon called inattentional blindness, we’re programmed to have the ability to take in and process only so much information, ignoring the rest. | First, make sure the person you want to ask realizes you need help. Thanks to a phenomenon called inattentional blindness, we’re programmed to have the ability to take in and process only so much information, ignoring the rest. |
| This means that even if you think it’s clear you need help, it’s entirely possible that the people who can help you don’t have any idea you need assistance. In some cases, this can even impact your ability to perceive that you need help — all the more reason to get comfortable with asking. | This means that even if you think it’s clear you need help, it’s entirely possible that the people who can help you don’t have any idea you need assistance. In some cases, this can even impact your ability to perceive that you need help — all the more reason to get comfortable with asking. |
| Second, and the other side of that coin, make clear that the person you want to ask understands your desire for help — in other words, you have to ask. Otherwise your potential helper might fall victim to audience inhibition, or the fear of “looking foolish in front of other people,” which can prevent people from offering help because they doubt their own intuition that you need help, according to Ms. Grant. | Second, and the other side of that coin, make clear that the person you want to ask understands your desire for help — in other words, you have to ask. Otherwise your potential helper might fall victim to audience inhibition, or the fear of “looking foolish in front of other people,” which can prevent people from offering help because they doubt their own intuition that you need help, according to Ms. Grant. |
| [Like what you’re reading? Sign up here for the Smarter Living newsletter to get stories like this (and much more!) delivered straight to your inbox every Monday morning.] | [Like what you’re reading? Sign up here for the Smarter Living newsletter to get stories like this (and much more!) delivered straight to your inbox every Monday morning.] |
| Third, be specific with your request and make sure your helper knows why you’re specifically asking him or her and not someone else (or worse, asking a group). This will make them feel invested in your success and actually want to help, rather than feeling obligated to help, which can deter them from helping in the first place. | Third, be specific with your request and make sure your helper knows why you’re specifically asking him or her and not someone else (or worse, asking a group). This will make them feel invested in your success and actually want to help, rather than feeling obligated to help, which can deter them from helping in the first place. |
| Last, make sure the person you’re asking has the time and resources to help. We’re all busy, sure, but you probably don’t want to ask for help from the co-worker who’s juggling five different projects, moving apartments and prepping for a vacation. | Last, make sure the person you’re asking has the time and resources to help. We’re all busy, sure, but you probably don’t want to ask for help from the co-worker who’s juggling five different projects, moving apartments and prepping for a vacation. |
| What are your tips for asking for help? Let me know on Twitter at @timherrera or email at tim@nytimes.com. | What are your tips for asking for help? Let me know on Twitter at @timherrera or email at tim@nytimes.com. |
| Have a great week! | Have a great week! |
| — Tim | — Tim |
| P.S. — Wirecutter, our product review and recommendation site, is holding its first-ever Deal Day today! Wirecutter editors picked out some of their favorite recommendations and secured deep discounts on them. (And no, this isn’t like Black Friday with tens of thousands of mostly worthless deals; Deal Day is all about quality over quantity, so you’ll see only discounts actually worth your time.) | |
| Talking About Failure Is Crucial for Growth. Here’s How to Do It Right. Research shows that talking about failure makes for happier, more productive workers. | Talking About Failure Is Crucial for Growth. Here’s How to Do It Right. Research shows that talking about failure makes for happier, more productive workers. |
| How to Get the Most Out of Art (Even When You’re Not Sure You Get It) No, you don’t have to have a degree to appreciate and love art. | How to Get the Most Out of Art (Even When You’re Not Sure You Get It) No, you don’t have to have a degree to appreciate and love art. |
| Finding It Hard to Focus? Maybe It’s Not Your Fault The rise of the new “attention economy.” | Finding It Hard to Focus? Maybe It’s Not Your Fault The rise of the new “attention economy.” |
| What You Need to Know About Safe Deposit Boxes What should you keep in one, and other questions answered. | What You Need to Know About Safe Deposit Boxes What should you keep in one, and other questions answered. |
| How to Block and Report Spam Calls and Text Messages Unwanted calls and spam texts are annoying, but you can do something about them. Here’s how to block and report them so they won’t bother you again. | How to Block and Report Spam Calls and Text Messages Unwanted calls and spam texts are annoying, but you can do something about them. Here’s how to block and report them so they won’t bother you again. |
| Have a Question About Fitness? The Times Has the Answer. A new online service called Ask helps Times readers ask questions about a variety of topics and get reliable answers. | Have a Question About Fitness? The Times Has the Answer. A new online service called Ask helps Times readers ask questions about a variety of topics and get reliable answers. |
| This week I’ve invited S.L. contributor Maria Teresa Hart to teach us how to use exercise to boost our mood. | This week I’ve invited S.L. contributor Maria Teresa Hart to teach us how to use exercise to boost our mood. |
| After a series of joyless stopwatch runs, I decided I needed a new fitness goal. Instead of pursuing a faster time or a longer distance, I wanted to pursue a better mood. I wanted to finish every exercise session in that euphoric, walking-on-sunshine state that makes me shout “WOOHOO!” | After a series of joyless stopwatch runs, I decided I needed a new fitness goal. Instead of pursuing a faster time or a longer distance, I wanted to pursue a better mood. I wanted to finish every exercise session in that euphoric, walking-on-sunshine state that makes me shout “WOOHOO!” |
| Here’s my recipe for getting — and staying — in the “woohoo zone.” | Here’s my recipe for getting — and staying — in the “woohoo zone.” |
| Stick to cardio: Studies show that cardio can have a direct connection to mood. Play with the intensity and duration of your cardio to see what gives you the biggest boost. | Stick to cardio: Studies show that cardio can have a direct connection to mood. Play with the intensity and duration of your cardio to see what gives you the biggest boost. |
| Pile on the positive: Get out in fresh air, blast a killer playlist and invite that fitness buddy to join you. Nature, music and camaraderie are all scientifically backed mood-boosters. | Pile on the positive: Get out in fresh air, blast a killer playlist and invite that fitness buddy to join you. Nature, music and camaraderie are all scientifically backed mood-boosters. |
| Watch the comedown: Nothing derails a runner’s high faster than dehydration or improper fueling. Sip water and eat a small snack an hour beforehand. (If you’re exerting yourself over an hour, consider an electrolyte drink.) | Watch the comedown: Nothing derails a runner’s high faster than dehydration or improper fueling. Sip water and eat a small snack an hour beforehand. (If you’re exerting yourself over an hour, consider an electrolyte drink.) |
| Soak in it: Our brains have a negativity bias and need more time to register positive experiences. Take an extra five or 10 seconds at the end of your sweat session to reflect on it and see how that glow sticks with you. | Soak in it: Our brains have a negativity bias and need more time to register positive experiences. Take an extra five or 10 seconds at the end of your sweat session to reflect on it and see how that glow sticks with you. |