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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/03/daves-got-on-his-excited-face-and-im-finally-getting-him-out-of-the-house
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| Dave’s got on his #excitedface and I’m finally getting him out of the house | Dave’s got on his #excitedface and I’m finally getting him out of the house |
| (2 months later) | |
| Throughout her husband’s term in office, Samantha Cameron kept a regular diary, which only lapsed after an unwelcome referendum result made running away the only honourable course. Now, however, the revival of David Cameron’s political ambition finds her making this unexpected new entry… | Throughout her husband’s term in office, Samantha Cameron kept a regular diary, which only lapsed after an unwelcome referendum result made running away the only honourable course. Now, however, the revival of David Cameron’s political ambition finds her making this unexpected new entry… |
| Well Mummy was not best pleased #epicunderstatement, she’s like excuse me since when does Dave look for a new job without asking me, the Fulham branch was literally expecting him next week? | Well Mummy was not best pleased #epicunderstatement, she’s like excuse me since when does Dave look for a new job without asking me, the Fulham branch was literally expecting him next week? |
| I’m like God I know? Because Dave was literally due to walk in my first *scream* Cefinn for Men collection, non swank but I had this like divine cheesecloth CFM zip-front siren suit all ready, in olive with like this red tie-belt and my signature contrast piping, as in totes, totes on fleek? Mummy’s like but darling what on earth possessed him, I hate to be the one to tell you but everyone is laughing? | I’m like God I know? Because Dave was literally due to walk in my first *scream* Cefinn for Men collection, non swank but I had this like divine cheesecloth CFM zip-front siren suit all ready, in olive with like this red tie-belt and my signature contrast piping, as in totes, totes on fleek? Mummy’s like but darling what on earth possessed him, I hate to be the one to tell you but everyone is laughing? |
| I’m like *dignified voice* without wishing to be controversial I believe people would have been impressed by Dave’s walking potential, wear-anywhere sports luxe can be über-flattering on the larger man plus referencing Churchill makes it very now, Andrew Roberts ordered one in every colour :))) Anyway Dave thought he’d be good at it. Mummy’s like no, what makes Dave even think he could go back, it’s not just the dreadful people, everyone knows the Johnsons were literally starving until he got his Telegraph column back, what about poor Elwen’s school, and don’t tell me Dave will have to give up shooting and take up religion again. It seems such a waste of his talents. | I’m like *dignified voice* without wishing to be controversial I believe people would have been impressed by Dave’s walking potential, wear-anywhere sports luxe can be über-flattering on the larger man plus referencing Churchill makes it very now, Andrew Roberts ordered one in every colour :))) Anyway Dave thought he’d be good at it. Mummy’s like no, what makes Dave even think he could go back, it’s not just the dreadful people, everyone knows the Johnsons were literally starving until he got his Telegraph column back, what about poor Elwen’s school, and don’t tell me Dave will have to give up shooting and take up religion again. It seems such a waste of his talents. |
| I’m like well he needs something, we all agreed Nancy could move her hedge fund into the shepherd’s hut as soon she’d finished Dave’s book, but he won’t come out & last week she gave him three days to get out or *maternal proud face* she’d tell everyone he’s actually spent the last two years getting to level 3800 of Candy Crush. Plus trust me, Dave desperately needs another challenge, he has not been this bored shitless since he finished Angry Birds, and that was when he still had Libya to keep him amused. | I’m like well he needs something, we all agreed Nancy could move her hedge fund into the shepherd’s hut as soon she’d finished Dave’s book, but he won’t come out & last week she gave him three days to get out or *maternal proud face* she’d tell everyone he’s actually spent the last two years getting to level 3800 of Candy Crush. Plus trust me, Dave desperately needs another challenge, he has not been this bored shitless since he finished Angry Birds, and that was when he still had Libya to keep him amused. |
| We’ve even bought Dave a globe. You should have seen his face when he found out that Libya isn’t landlocked | We’ve even bought Dave a globe. You should have seen his face when he found out that Libya isn’t landlocked |
| Mummy goes all silent, so I’m like, OK I know politics is not really on trend RN, but appaz it can be totally addictive, not Candy Crush addictive, obvs, but Dave’s like, once you get all the way to holding-a-referendum level, even if it all crashes without being remotely your fault, you still crave that dopamine hit? Yes I know he talked about being a brain surgeon. Mummy’s like, he said he thought he’d be good at it, I’m like, yeah but now he thinks saving lives would bore him shitless too. Mummy’s like, lead violinist? Me: same. Commissioner of the Metropolitan police? Me: same. Archbishop of York? I’m like, same, plus he’s ruled out abroad. I’m not saying he wouldn’t be majorly good at them. | Mummy goes all silent, so I’m like, OK I know politics is not really on trend RN, but appaz it can be totally addictive, not Candy Crush addictive, obvs, but Dave’s like, once you get all the way to holding-a-referendum level, even if it all crashes without being remotely your fault, you still crave that dopamine hit? Yes I know he talked about being a brain surgeon. Mummy’s like, he said he thought he’d be good at it, I’m like, yeah but now he thinks saving lives would bore him shitless too. Mummy’s like, lead violinist? Me: same. Commissioner of the Metropolitan police? Me: same. Archbishop of York? I’m like, same, plus he’s ruled out abroad. I’m not saying he wouldn’t be majorly good at them. |
| Mummy’s like, why can’t he just find a little newspaper like the Osborne boy, or what is it young Clegg’s doing – what a towering shame Mr Zuckerberg didn’t think of Dave – or you could talk to the Murdochs, ghastly, I know, but so are the Goveys, and you used to adore them, same with Hilto, that Craig Whatever, the Johnsons, that little Rebekah Dave had such a crush on, wasn’t there a Freud, and who was that priceless Australian Dave knighted – Mr Cobber? – even the Philip Greens I seem to remember, goodness what people, oh how awful of me am I being tactless? | Mummy’s like, why can’t he just find a little newspaper like the Osborne boy, or what is it young Clegg’s doing – what a towering shame Mr Zuckerberg didn’t think of Dave – or you could talk to the Murdochs, ghastly, I know, but so are the Goveys, and you used to adore them, same with Hilto, that Craig Whatever, the Johnsons, that little Rebekah Dave had such a crush on, wasn’t there a Freud, and who was that priceless Australian Dave knighted – Mr Cobber? – even the Philip Greens I seem to remember, goodness what people, oh how awful of me am I being tactless? |
| I tell Mummy it’s not just Dave, Oik always pretends he loves journalism, except for the crap pay and taking Mr Lebedev’s suits to the cleaners, but he never stops going on about Theresa’s mutilated body, last time he brought a little diagram, lol, appaz he will not rest until she is buried under the Downing Street gents, I mean only when he’s prime minister, obvs. Honestly they’re both so excited for being back in office #bless, we’ve even bought Dave a globe, you should have seen his face when he found out that Libya isn’t landlocked. | I tell Mummy it’s not just Dave, Oik always pretends he loves journalism, except for the crap pay and taking Mr Lebedev’s suits to the cleaners, but he never stops going on about Theresa’s mutilated body, last time he brought a little diagram, lol, appaz he will not rest until she is buried under the Downing Street gents, I mean only when he’s prime minister, obvs. Honestly they’re both so excited for being back in office #bless, we’ve even bought Dave a globe, you should have seen his face when he found out that Libya isn’t landlocked. |
| Well Mummy was incredibly kind to offer to put Dave in festive tableware, but like I said to Nancy, what if the hours clashed with his tennis, or stalking or a holiday? Or lunch, or a wedding, or a country supper, or a music festival, or an urgent binge-watching delivery? Because poor Dave has to chillax occasionally, though not at home, please God. That was when Nancy went calm it Mother, no, look at me, I’ve found the perfect way to get him out of the house, I’m like OMG *trembles* do not even think about sending me his resumé, hasn’t he done enough damage, do you have any idea what Brexit has done to cheesecloth prices? | Well Mummy was incredibly kind to offer to put Dave in festive tableware, but like I said to Nancy, what if the hours clashed with his tennis, or stalking or a holiday? Or lunch, or a wedding, or a country supper, or a music festival, or an urgent binge-watching delivery? Because poor Dave has to chillax occasionally, though not at home, please God. That was when Nancy went calm it Mother, no, look at me, I’ve found the perfect way to get him out of the house, I’m like OMG *trembles* do not even think about sending me his resumé, hasn’t he done enough damage, do you have any idea what Brexit has done to cheesecloth prices? |
| So she’s like, chill, Mum, where do they still employ Etonians – no, outside the theatre – even disgraced ones, with no recorded skills and a history of total irresponsibility? Yass, I’m putting Dad in the foreign office! | So she’s like, chill, Mum, where do they still employ Etonians – no, outside the theatre – even disgraced ones, with no recorded skills and a history of total irresponsibility? Yass, I’m putting Dad in the foreign office! |
| So then we’re hammering on the hut, Dave’s like, go away I’m self-caring, Nancy’s like open the door before I kick it in, then I pause Killing Eve (ep 2, his fave), Nancy’s like, put the glass down, dude, I’m making you an elder statesman. | So then we’re hammering on the hut, Dave’s like, go away I’m self-caring, Nancy’s like open the door before I kick it in, then I pause Killing Eve (ep 2, his fave), Nancy’s like, put the glass down, dude, I’m making you an elder statesman. |
| I’m like oh my gucciness babes, it will be totally like when John Galliano came back and Anna Wintour like, reached out to him, I mean so totes humbling and emosh, Nancy’s like, earth to Mother, major difference, Galliano said sorry – how about it Dad? Dave’s like, never, I’m moving into particle physics, I think I’d be good at it. I go but Mummy doesn’t know anyone at Cern. Nancy’s like, I will say this once only: Dad, want to know how your book ends? He’s like *excited face* how? She’s like: this. Put on your statesman face. | I’m like oh my gucciness babes, it will be totally like when John Galliano came back and Anna Wintour like, reached out to him, I mean so totes humbling and emosh, Nancy’s like, earth to Mother, major difference, Galliano said sorry – how about it Dad? Dave’s like, never, I’m moving into particle physics, I think I’d be good at it. I go but Mummy doesn’t know anyone at Cern. Nancy’s like, I will say this once only: Dad, want to know how your book ends? He’s like *excited face* how? She’s like: this. Put on your statesman face. |
| • Catherine Bennett is an Observer columnist | • Catherine Bennett is an Observer columnist |
| David Cameron | David Cameron |
| Opinion | Opinion |
| Samantha Cameron | Samantha Cameron |
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