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| Version 4 | Version 5 |
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| I Am Not Your Tinder Fantasy | I Am Not Your Tinder Fantasy |
| (32 minutes later) | |
| It was early February and it had been a long week. It’s winter in Minneapolis, so every week is a long week. But those last few days had felt endless. | It was early February and it had been a long week. It’s winter in Minneapolis, so every week is a long week. But those last few days had felt endless. |
| Padding into the bathroom in my gray adult onesie, I cranked the tub’s faucet to its hottest setting. Water at this temperature would have effectively boiled me until I was as bright as a giant pink Easter egg. Who cared. It was going to snow forever. | Padding into the bathroom in my gray adult onesie, I cranked the tub’s faucet to its hottest setting. Water at this temperature would have effectively boiled me until I was as bright as a giant pink Easter egg. Who cared. It was going to snow forever. |
| I applied a charcoal peel-off face mask. I poured myself a glass of $6.99 rosé from Trader Joe’s, because I know how to treat a fancy lady right. I grabbed my phone, unzipped my onesie and eased myself into the tub, inch-by-agonizing-inch, until I’d cauterized my epidermal nerve endings. | I applied a charcoal peel-off face mask. I poured myself a glass of $6.99 rosé from Trader Joe’s, because I know how to treat a fancy lady right. I grabbed my phone, unzipped my onesie and eased myself into the tub, inch-by-agonizing-inch, until I’d cauterized my epidermal nerve endings. |
| There. All settled in for a night of one of my favorite winter pastimes: drunk bathtub Tindering. | There. All settled in for a night of one of my favorite winter pastimes: drunk bathtub Tindering. |
| Time to swipe! | Time to swipe! |
| First up: a woman using heavy special-effects filters for every picture. Nope. | First up: a woman using heavy special-effects filters for every picture. Nope. |
| A couple that says they’re “looking to explore our wild side” — LOL, nope. | A couple that says they’re “looking to explore our wild side” — LOL, nope. |
| An endless parade of people wearing Snapchat cat ears. What is it with those ears? Y’all, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but: You are not a cute cat, you are a grown adult, and this dedication to wearing cartoon kitty ears in your dating profile pictures is creepy. | An endless parade of people wearing Snapchat cat ears. What is it with those ears? Y’all, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but: You are not a cute cat, you are a grown adult, and this dedication to wearing cartoon kitty ears in your dating profile pictures is creepy. |
| My bath was getting low. I ran the water again. | My bath was getting low. I ran the water again. |
| Ooh, here was another couple, clearly a bait-and-switch case. The profile had something like six focused, artistic pictures of a woman by herself. But the seventh and final picture featured a man, smiling, with his arm around her. As in: “You looked through all the pics so far? Haha, gotcha! Here’s Chad, my hubs. He’d like to be involved in anything I do;)” | |
| Mmph. I closed the app and got out of the tub. | Mmph. I closed the app and got out of the tub. |
| It should go without saying, but queers aren't here to fulfill people's sexual fantasies. This exploitation is part of what makes the “women looking for women” section of Tinder a minefield, especially for queer women like me. First of all, I’m not looking for just women; this godless non-monogamous homosexual would like to see profiles of cis women, trans individuals, and non-binary folks. But that isn’t even close to a selectable option. Secondly, you know who really, really likes to use the “women looking for women” setting? | |
| Couples in predominantly heterosexual relationships. They like to do this constantly, relentlessly, obliviously on practically every fourth profile I see. It seems that stigma surrounding non-monogamy in relationships is easing and more couples than ever before are openly hunting for a threesome online. | Couples in predominantly heterosexual relationships. They like to do this constantly, relentlessly, obliviously on practically every fourth profile I see. It seems that stigma surrounding non-monogamy in relationships is easing and more couples than ever before are openly hunting for a threesome online. |
| And that is O.K. Great, even! There is nothing “wild” or particularly naughty about wanting to have a threesome. It is reasonable and normal to be interested in this. Sex with one person feels nice, so it logically follows that sex with two people at the same time might feel extra-nice. Ever used a body pillow? Think about what it would be like to have two body pillows, one on each side. Mmm, yeah. Imagine them both heated and announcing their safewords in bed and we’re there. Threesomes are wonderful, friends. I am in no way shaming anyone’s desire to have a threesome; I think sexual exploration is both good and necessary for everyone, partnered or not. | And that is O.K. Great, even! There is nothing “wild” or particularly naughty about wanting to have a threesome. It is reasonable and normal to be interested in this. Sex with one person feels nice, so it logically follows that sex with two people at the same time might feel extra-nice. Ever used a body pillow? Think about what it would be like to have two body pillows, one on each side. Mmm, yeah. Imagine them both heated and announcing their safewords in bed and we’re there. Threesomes are wonderful, friends. I am in no way shaming anyone’s desire to have a threesome; I think sexual exploration is both good and necessary for everyone, partnered or not. |
| I just don’t want to have to deal with any more couples looking to “spice things up.” Not really interested in having “sexy fun” while anyone’s man watches. (Unless you are Megan Mullally and your man is Nick Offerman, in which case: Call me? I’ve had some interesting dreams.) | I just don’t want to have to deal with any more couples looking to “spice things up.” Not really interested in having “sexy fun” while anyone’s man watches. (Unless you are Megan Mullally and your man is Nick Offerman, in which case: Call me? I’ve had some interesting dreams.) |
| Queers are not anyone’s freaky adventure. We’re not some kinky lake of experience for “daring” couples to dip their toes into and then step back from, shrieking and thrilled by their own bravery. | Queers are not anyone’s freaky adventure. We’re not some kinky lake of experience for “daring” couples to dip their toes into and then step back from, shrieking and thrilled by their own bravery. |
| We’re just people looking for dates online. And we are giving a hard side-eye to all those profiles that say things like, “It’s my boyfriend’s birthday, and I want to give him a night he never forgets!” | We’re just people looking for dates online. And we are giving a hard side-eye to all those profiles that say things like, “It’s my boyfriend’s birthday, and I want to give him a night he never forgets!” |
| Now, perhaps you are a person who regularly hunts for man-woman couples on Tinder and enjoys it. Perhaps you are a bisexual woman who has an open marriage with a man, and you’re getting super pissed right now, because hey, you’re still queer! You can post wherever you want on Tinder! What the hell! | Now, perhaps you are a person who regularly hunts for man-woman couples on Tinder and enjoys it. Perhaps you are a bisexual woman who has an open marriage with a man, and you’re getting super pissed right now, because hey, you’re still queer! You can post wherever you want on Tinder! What the hell! |
| To all that, and more, I say: Of course you’re still queer. Cool. Live your life. | To all that, and more, I say: Of course you’re still queer. Cool. Live your life. |
| But speaking from the bottom of my cranky lesbian heart, let me just say that more than any other feature, Tinder needs a setting for couples looking for a third. | |
| Think how great that would be! A queer person looking only for other queers on Tinder would never encounter heterosexually partnered couples casually using an entire community to get their fairly routine rocks off! | Think how great that would be! A queer person looking only for other queers on Tinder would never encounter heterosexually partnered couples casually using an entire community to get their fairly routine rocks off! |
| Couples in the new “couples looking” section could feel secure in the knowledge that anyone who sees them actually wants to see them and is already looking for what they’re offering. More dates and hookups would be had. Everyone would be winning! | Couples in the new “couples looking” section could feel secure in the knowledge that anyone who sees them actually wants to see them and is already looking for what they’re offering. More dates and hookups would be had. Everyone would be winning! |
| So, how ’bout it, Tinder? Even the now-defunct personals section of Craigslist had incredibly specific, bordering-on-startling filters for threesomes. (And foursomes. And orgies.) | So, how ’bout it, Tinder? Even the now-defunct personals section of Craigslist had incredibly specific, bordering-on-startling filters for threesomes. (And foursomes. And orgies.) |
| This can’t be that hard. I saw a board book for toddlers called “Baby Loves Coding!” the other day, so I bet the downy-faced interns of Tinder could have a setting for couples up and running within a few days. | This can’t be that hard. I saw a board book for toddlers called “Baby Loves Coding!” the other day, so I bet the downy-faced interns of Tinder could have a setting for couples up and running within a few days. |
| And if Tinder doesn’t come through with a new setting, perhaps I’ll just leave a few basic tips for couples looking for a third online: | And if Tinder doesn’t come through with a new setting, perhaps I’ll just leave a few basic tips for couples looking for a third online: |
| Do: Post clear pictures of both of you, together. Make it clear that you are a couple from the get-go. Being stealthy about being a couple is not the way to get anyone to trust you! (Or to get what you want, for that matter.) | |
| There are people out there who might be interested in having a threesome with you. How are they supposed to find you if you’re not being upfront about being a member of a couple in the first place? | There are people out there who might be interested in having a threesome with you. How are they supposed to find you if you’re not being upfront about being a member of a couple in the first place? |
| Don’t: Send close-up pictures of your girlfriend’s genitals to queer people you are interested in as an “enticement.” Definitely don’t do this without your girlfriend’s consent. Maybe don’t send these pictures at all, ever, because what on Earth are you thinking, Mike? | |
| Do: Check out apps specifically dedicated to hooking people up for threesomes, including Feeld, Thrinder and 3Somer. | |
| Don’t: Lie about what you would like to have happen during a threesome. Do not put in your profile that your “husband will be present but not involved” if your husband is very much hoping that he will be involved, or planning on involving himself. Good lord. | |
| Couples, friends, and online daters: We can do better. We will do better. We can have our partners and a threesome, too. | Couples, friends, and online daters: We can do better. We will do better. We can have our partners and a threesome, too. |
| It’s 2019, the world has never been closer to nuclear war or a total cataclysmic climate change, and it’s time to start being honest on our Tinder profiles. May we all have the kind of sex we’d like. May we be respectful while sniffing it out. I know we can do it. | It’s 2019, the world has never been closer to nuclear war or a total cataclysmic climate change, and it’s time to start being honest on our Tinder profiles. May we all have the kind of sex we’d like. May we be respectful while sniffing it out. I know we can do it. |
| I’m cheering for us all, from the hottest, most-used bathtub in the Midwest. | I’m cheering for us all, from the hottest, most-used bathtub in the Midwest. |
| Krista Burton (@krista_r_burton) is a writer in Minneapolis. | Krista Burton (@krista_r_burton) is a writer in Minneapolis. |
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