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| Working Moms and Stay-at-Home Moms Are Not at War | Working Moms and Stay-at-Home Moms Are Not at War |
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| This week NYT Parenting is debuting guides about negotiating for parental leave in a variety of work situations where leave may not be guaranteed: if you’re an hourly worker, if you’re a freelancer or if you’re employed by a company without a formal leave policy. | This week NYT Parenting is debuting guides about negotiating for parental leave in a variety of work situations where leave may not be guaranteed: if you’re an hourly worker, if you’re a freelancer or if you’re employed by a company without a formal leave policy. |
| What we don’t have is a guide on how to decide whether to go back to work at all after the birth of a child, because we realized that the way each family resolves that question is so personally and financially complicated that we couldn’t possibly provide a satisfying set of answers. | What we don’t have is a guide on how to decide whether to go back to work at all after the birth of a child, because we realized that the way each family resolves that question is so personally and financially complicated that we couldn’t possibly provide a satisfying set of answers. |
| But in researching how parents reconcile work and family, one thing jumped out at me: For too long, we have been talking about “stay-at-home parents” and “working parents” as if staying at home and working were fixed, unchanging states. Additionally, there’s the persistent cultural myth that working parents and stay-at-home parents are locked in a perpetual grudge match (colloquially referred to by that cringeworthy, retrograde term “the mommy wars”). But according to researchers, the mommy wars are, at most, a skirmish between extremists on either side. | But in researching how parents reconcile work and family, one thing jumped out at me: For too long, we have been talking about “stay-at-home parents” and “working parents” as if staying at home and working were fixed, unchanging states. Additionally, there’s the persistent cultural myth that working parents and stay-at-home parents are locked in a perpetual grudge match (colloquially referred to by that cringeworthy, retrograde term “the mommy wars”). But according to researchers, the mommy wars are, at most, a skirmish between extremists on either side. |
| Research has shown that since the late ’70s, millions of moms have left the work force for some period of time and then returned. (We’re talking mostly about moms here since stay-at-home dads are in the minority — only 7 percent of them stayed home in 2016, according to a 2018 Pew Research Center analysis. For comparison, 27 percent of moms stayed home that same year — and that percentage has remained consistent since 1989). The need or desire to stay home can emerge at any time, in response to changing personal priorities, care obligations or financial circumstances. | Research has shown that since the late ’70s, millions of moms have left the work force for some period of time and then returned. (We’re talking mostly about moms here since stay-at-home dads are in the minority — only 7 percent of them stayed home in 2016, according to a 2018 Pew Research Center analysis. For comparison, 27 percent of moms stayed home that same year — and that percentage has remained consistent since 1989). The need or desire to stay home can emerge at any time, in response to changing personal priorities, care obligations or financial circumstances. |
| In a recent study published in the journal Demography, Dr. Alexandra Killewald, a sociology professor at Harvard University, analyzed employment patterns during the first 18 years of motherhood, among a group of about 3,500 women who were teens and young adults in 1979. She found that nearly half of this cohort consistently worked throughout those years, whether it was full- or part-time. Fifteen percent of these moms returned to the work force around when their children went to kindergarten, while another 14 percent returned to the work force around when their children went to junior high. Twenty-one percent of this group remained out of the work force for the entire 18 years. The group of women who did not work outside the home at all were more likely to lack high school diplomas and to have traditional attitudes about gender roles, Dr. Killewald told me. | In a recent study published in the journal Demography, Dr. Alexandra Killewald, a sociology professor at Harvard University, analyzed employment patterns during the first 18 years of motherhood, among a group of about 3,500 women who were teens and young adults in 1979. She found that nearly half of this cohort consistently worked throughout those years, whether it was full- or part-time. Fifteen percent of these moms returned to the work force around when their children went to kindergarten, while another 14 percent returned to the work force around when their children went to junior high. Twenty-one percent of this group remained out of the work force for the entire 18 years. The group of women who did not work outside the home at all were more likely to lack high school diplomas and to have traditional attitudes about gender roles, Dr. Killewald told me. |
| What’s also important to note is that the real-live humans making decisions about working or staying home aren’t ’80s-era parodies of shoulder-padded working moms sneering at cookie-baking stay-at-home moms and vice versa. Women’s actual attitudes about their professional and caregiving choices are far more complicated and less judgmental — and they have been for a while. | What’s also important to note is that the real-live humans making decisions about working or staying home aren’t ’80s-era parodies of shoulder-padded working moms sneering at cookie-baking stay-at-home moms and vice versa. Women’s actual attitudes about their professional and caregiving choices are far more complicated and less judgmental — and they have been for a while. |
| It was always a minority of mothers who were “dismissive and contemptuous,” said Stephanie Coontz, a history professor at Evergreen State College who has studied marriage and families for decades and has done many studies, oral interviews and focus groups with real parents: “The rest of moms were vulnerable to feeling defensive and hardening their positions because they were deeply ambivalent.” Which is to say, working moms felt conflicted and guilty about working, and stay-at-home moms felt conflicted and guilty about staying at home. Research shows that children can thrive with both working moms and stay-at-home moms, and attitudes about mothers who work have evolved over time. | It was always a minority of mothers who were “dismissive and contemptuous,” said Stephanie Coontz, a history professor at Evergreen State College who has studied marriage and families for decades and has done many studies, oral interviews and focus groups with real parents: “The rest of moms were vulnerable to feeling defensive and hardening their positions because they were deeply ambivalent.” Which is to say, working moms felt conflicted and guilty about working, and stay-at-home moms felt conflicted and guilty about staying at home. Research shows that children can thrive with both working moms and stay-at-home moms, and attitudes about mothers who work have evolved over time. |
| As they always have, parents are making decisions about working or staying home for a wide variety of reasons: because they’re breadwinners and have no choice; because child care costs are out of control; because they really enjoy and find meaning in what they do; because raising kids feels more valuable than sitting in airless conference rooms; because they have spouses whose work is all-encompassing, and someone needs to keep the children alive. | As they always have, parents are making decisions about working or staying home for a wide variety of reasons: because they’re breadwinners and have no choice; because child care costs are out of control; because they really enjoy and find meaning in what they do; because raising kids feels more valuable than sitting in airless conference rooms; because they have spouses whose work is all-encompassing, and someone needs to keep the children alive. |
| Though policy has mostly focused on the parents of newborns, Dr. Killewald said, family responsibilities don’t go away after parental leave. For many mothers, “statistically speaking it takes another decade before they recover to the same rate of full-time employment that they were at before the kid was born,” Dr. Killewald said. Someone still needs to take the kids to doctor’s appointments and soccer practice, and that someone is still disproportionately likely to be Mom (why it’s still Mom is a topic for another newsletter). | Though policy has mostly focused on the parents of newborns, Dr. Killewald said, family responsibilities don’t go away after parental leave. For many mothers, “statistically speaking it takes another decade before they recover to the same rate of full-time employment that they were at before the kid was born,” Dr. Killewald said. Someone still needs to take the kids to doctor’s appointments and soccer practice, and that someone is still disproportionately likely to be Mom (why it’s still Mom is a topic for another newsletter). |
| More research is needed on the additional responsibilities shouldered by parents of kids with special needs, according to Dr. Killewald. “It is a real job to navigate the school system, the insurance you’re dealing with, extra help around the home,” when you have a child with special needs, she said. | More research is needed on the additional responsibilities shouldered by parents of kids with special needs, according to Dr. Killewald. “It is a real job to navigate the school system, the insurance you’re dealing with, extra help around the home,” when you have a child with special needs, she said. |
| We’d love to hear from you about your decisions around work and why you made them. Email us here. | We’d love to hear from you about your decisions around work and why you made them. Email us here. |
| P.S. Follow us on Instagram @NYTParenting. Join us on Facebook here. Find us on Twitter for the latest updates. Read last week’s newsletter about why parents are so freaking tired here. | P.S. Follow us on Instagram @NYTParenting. Join us on Facebook here. Find us on Twitter for the latest updates. Read last week’s newsletter about why parents are so freaking tired here. |
| Don’t miss these recent highlights from Claire Cain Miller, who covers the intersection of work and family for the Times: “The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting” and “Women Did Everything Right. Then Work Got ‘Greedy.’ | Don’t miss these recent highlights from Claire Cain Miller, who covers the intersection of work and family for the Times: “The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting” and “Women Did Everything Right. Then Work Got ‘Greedy.’ |
| Why does the school day end two hours before the workday, and what are parents supposed to do about that child care gap? The Atlantic’s family section gets into it. | Why does the school day end two hours before the workday, and what are parents supposed to do about that child care gap? The Atlantic’s family section gets into it. |
| Also in The Atlantic, one of our faves, economist and author Emily Oster, argues that parents should be transparent about their child-care obligations at work. “We can’t fix problems that we pretend don’t exist; we can’t improve the lot of parents at work if we pretend we aren’t parents,” she wrote. | Also in The Atlantic, one of our faves, economist and author Emily Oster, argues that parents should be transparent about their child-care obligations at work. “We can’t fix problems that we pretend don’t exist; we can’t improve the lot of parents at work if we pretend we aren’t parents,” she wrote. |
| This is what it looks like when I work from home. The Wirecutter has tips to make working from home easier. | This is what it looks like when I work from home. The Wirecutter has tips to make working from home easier. |
| Parenting can be a grind. So let’s celebrate the tiny victories. | Parenting can be a grind. So let’s celebrate the tiny victories. |
| I’ve convinced my 2-year-old son that most of his socks are actually my socks. He doesn’t want to wear his socks, but gets really excited to wear Dad’s socks. | |
| —Matt Murphy, Knoxville, Tenn. | —Matt Murphy, Knoxville, Tenn. |
| If you want a chance to get your Tiny Victory published, find us on Instagram @NYTparenting and use the hashtag #tinyvictories; or email us. Include your full name and location. Tiny Victories may be edited for clarity and style. Your name, location and comments may be published, but your contact information will not. By submitting to us, you agree that you have read, understand and accept the Reader Submission Terms in relation to all of the content and other information you send to us. | If you want a chance to get your Tiny Victory published, find us on Instagram @NYTparenting and use the hashtag #tinyvictories; or email us. Include your full name and location. Tiny Victories may be edited for clarity and style. Your name, location and comments may be published, but your contact information will not. By submitting to us, you agree that you have read, understand and accept the Reader Submission Terms in relation to all of the content and other information you send to us. |