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| Call Mark Spencer Xenon. He may be inert, but at least he’s a gas | Call Mark Spencer Xenon. He may be inert, but at least he’s a gas |
| (32 minutes later) | |
| The front and back doors had been bolted and padlocked. In a darkened attic room, Theresa May scanned the CCTV footage for signs of intruders. So far, so good. Hunt, Saj and Govey were well outside the perimeter gates. There was time. All she needed was just another few hours, a day at most, and she could still save herself. | The front and back doors had been bolted and padlocked. In a darkened attic room, Theresa May scanned the CCTV footage for signs of intruders. So far, so good. Hunt, Saj and Govey were well outside the perimeter gates. There was time. All she needed was just another few hours, a day at most, and she could still save herself. |
| She had already in effect resigned twice and no one had removed her as prime minister, so there was nothing to stop her from doing the same thing a third time. Hell, she could probably even fit in a fourth or fifth resignation. Maybe she could even rewrite the entire withdrawal agreement bill and stay forever, hooray. Outside her door, an aide waited patiently with a syringe loaded with morphine. This is the UK in May 2019. | She had already in effect resigned twice and no one had removed her as prime minister, so there was nothing to stop her from doing the same thing a third time. Hell, she could probably even fit in a fourth or fifth resignation. Maybe she could even rewrite the entire withdrawal agreement bill and stay forever, hooray. Outside her door, an aide waited patiently with a syringe loaded with morphine. This is the UK in May 2019. |
| As the Downing Street walls closed in, many had forgotten there was a very good reason May had been chosen to lead the Tory party in 2016. And that was because all the other contenders had been far, far worse. Boris Johnson hadn’t even made it on to the ballot paper, having suffered a narcissistic breakdown when his own campaign manager, Michael Gove, had declared him unfit even to manage the petty cash. Stephen Crabb had been eliminated because no one knew who he was and Liam Fox suffered the same fate because everyone knew exactly who he was. | As the Downing Street walls closed in, many had forgotten there was a very good reason May had been chosen to lead the Tory party in 2016. And that was because all the other contenders had been far, far worse. Boris Johnson hadn’t even made it on to the ballot paper, having suffered a narcissistic breakdown when his own campaign manager, Michael Gove, had declared him unfit even to manage the petty cash. Stephen Crabb had been eliminated because no one knew who he was and Liam Fox suffered the same fate because everyone knew exactly who he was. |
| Maybot plods on, each day a greater torment than the last | John Crace | Maybot plods on, each day a greater torment than the last | John Crace |
| Next to go was Gove, as he couldn’t be trusted not to stab himself in the back. Which left Andrea Leadsom and May as the last two standing. After making a 12-minute Major Speech on the Economy in which she failed to mention the economy once, Leadsom led a surreal quarter-mile march of a handful of bewildered MPs on Westminster before announcing she wanted to be the mother of the nation. She wisely withdrew from the race days later. Which left May to become leader unopposed. Mainly by dint of having said precisely nothing. | Next to go was Gove, as he couldn’t be trusted not to stab himself in the back. Which left Andrea Leadsom and May as the last two standing. After making a 12-minute Major Speech on the Economy in which she failed to mention the economy once, Leadsom led a surreal quarter-mile march of a handful of bewildered MPs on Westminster before announcing she wanted to be the mother of the nation. She wisely withdrew from the race days later. Which left May to become leader unopposed. Mainly by dint of having said precisely nothing. |
| And yet three years on, Gove, Johnson and Leadsom are now among the frontrunners to become the next Tory leaders. Time has been stopped and history rewritten. Into one where insulting Muslim women, getting British nationals banged up in Iran and telling business to fuck off are top selling points. | And yet three years on, Gove, Johnson and Leadsom are now among the frontrunners to become the next Tory leaders. Time has been stopped and history rewritten. Into one where insulting Muslim women, getting British nationals banged up in Iran and telling business to fuck off are top selling points. |
| Three mediocre politicians, who would be lucky to get a walk-on role in The Thick of It and had already been considered totally unfit for the top job, now had their CVs airbrushed – Leadsom’s for the second time, as she’d already promoted herself to head receptionist in a previous career at a bank. The comedy crime trio had been recommissioned for a second Netflix series. | Three mediocre politicians, who would be lucky to get a walk-on role in The Thick of It and had already been considered totally unfit for the top job, now had their CVs airbrushed – Leadsom’s for the second time, as she’d already promoted herself to head receptionist in a previous career at a bank. The comedy crime trio had been recommissioned for a second Netflix series. |
| Leadsom had made her big move on Wednesday night by resigning as leader of the Commons. Not on a point of principle – if she’d had any of those she’d have resigned, as she had often threatened to do, far sooner – but more as a matter of timing. Putting as much distance between her and the prime minister’s Wab might give her the edge over those cabinet ministers dumb enough to hang around and defend a bill that didn’t stand a prayer. | |
| So it was left to the junior whip Mark Spencer – an MP so anonymous even his own family don’t know who he is – to take Leadsom’s place at business questions and announce the government’s timetabling for the Wab as May had promised only 24 hours earlier. Or, rather, not announce the timings of the Wab. | So it was left to the junior whip Mark Spencer – an MP so anonymous even his own family don’t know who he is – to take Leadsom’s place at business questions and announce the government’s timetabling for the Wab as May had promised only 24 hours earlier. Or, rather, not announce the timings of the Wab. |
| “I am not the leader of the house,” Spencer had begun. Which turned out to be the only thing he did know for certain, despite being given a real-time briefing in his left ear by the chief whip, Julian Smith. Who also doesn’t have a clue what is going on and has given up even pretending he does. Smith used to patrol the chamber with a perpetual frown, trying to get two plus two to equal 321. Counting, always counting. Now, like everyone but the leadership pretenders, he’s totally demob happy. He smiles, he jokes. Que sera, sera. Being sacked would come as a blessing. | “I am not the leader of the house,” Spencer had begun. Which turned out to be the only thing he did know for certain, despite being given a real-time briefing in his left ear by the chief whip, Julian Smith. Who also doesn’t have a clue what is going on and has given up even pretending he does. Smith used to patrol the chamber with a perpetual frown, trying to get two plus two to equal 321. Counting, always counting. Now, like everyone but the leadership pretenders, he’s totally demob happy. He smiles, he jokes. Que sera, sera. Being sacked would come as a blessing. |
| Labour’s shadow Commons leader, Valerie Vaz, did make a token effort to find out why Spencer had only listed an important backbench debate on zebra crossings for hedgehogs on country roads and had failed to mention the Wab. But Spencer merely shrugged. The bill may or may not be published at some time and it may or may not get a second reading at some point or other thereafter. It was all well above his pay grade. | Labour’s shadow Commons leader, Valerie Vaz, did make a token effort to find out why Spencer had only listed an important backbench debate on zebra crossings for hedgehogs on country roads and had failed to mention the Wab. But Spencer merely shrugged. The bill may or may not be published at some time and it may or may not get a second reading at some point or other thereafter. It was all well above his pay grade. |
| No one was much bothered by Spencer’s know-nothing approach. Everyone understood he was just the fall guy. It wasn’t his fault the government was flatlining. He was just another random joker in a cast full of clowns. Just call him Xenon. He may be inert, but at least he’s a gas. Besides it was a hot day and everyone was dying to go on hols. So much easier to forget Brexit for the next 10 days. Set the controls for the heart of the sun. | No one was much bothered by Spencer’s know-nothing approach. Everyone understood he was just the fall guy. It wasn’t his fault the government was flatlining. He was just another random joker in a cast full of clowns. Just call him Xenon. He may be inert, but at least he’s a gas. Besides it was a hot day and everyone was dying to go on hols. So much easier to forget Brexit for the next 10 days. Set the controls for the heart of the sun. |
| Xenon darted for the exit. It hadn’t been as bad as he feared and at least he’d never have to do it again as Mel Stride had now been appointed as Leadsom’s successor. Rory Stewart let out a sigh of relief. Now he would only go down as the cabinet minister to have served for the second shortest period of time in one of the worst government’s on record. Something for his leadership CV. | Xenon darted for the exit. It hadn’t been as bad as he feared and at least he’d never have to do it again as Mel Stride had now been appointed as Leadsom’s successor. Rory Stewart let out a sigh of relief. Now he would only go down as the cabinet minister to have served for the second shortest period of time in one of the worst government’s on record. Something for his leadership CV. |
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| Rory Stewart | Rory Stewart |
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