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| May I have a word about … comparisons that are a load of bananas | May I have a word about … comparisons that are a load of bananas |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| It was recently reported that the world’s biggest container ship, the MSC Gülsün, had completed its maiden voyage from China to Germany. | |
| The breathless announcement included the following facts – that the sea-going behemoth had enough container capacity to carry 8.35m microwaves or 223m bananas. Now, what on earth is going on here? I know that we mix up our imperial and metric measurements with carefree abandon, but when it comes down to such things, we surely prefer our comparative measurements to be in the hardy annuals of Waleses, Nelson’s columns, Olympic-size swimming pools and London buses. Not microwaves or bananas. | The breathless announcement included the following facts – that the sea-going behemoth had enough container capacity to carry 8.35m microwaves or 223m bananas. Now, what on earth is going on here? I know that we mix up our imperial and metric measurements with carefree abandon, but when it comes down to such things, we surely prefer our comparative measurements to be in the hardy annuals of Waleses, Nelson’s columns, Olympic-size swimming pools and London buses. Not microwaves or bananas. |
| So, to steady the sinking ship, I’m happy to make clear that the MSC Gülsün is in fact longer than 36 London buses, so I hope you’ve now all got a much clearer idea of exactly how big the thing is. And yet… it was further reported that after the Notting Hill carnival, 200 cleaners had to work through the night to clear the waste, which was said to weigh the same as 25 London buses. This simply will not do. No one has the slightest idea how much said vehicle weighs. Still, at least the wretched banana wasn’t mentioned. | So, to steady the sinking ship, I’m happy to make clear that the MSC Gülsün is in fact longer than 36 London buses, so I hope you’ve now all got a much clearer idea of exactly how big the thing is. And yet… it was further reported that after the Notting Hill carnival, 200 cleaners had to work through the night to clear the waste, which was said to weigh the same as 25 London buses. This simply will not do. No one has the slightest idea how much said vehicle weighs. Still, at least the wretched banana wasn’t mentioned. |
| Talking of things that shouldn’t be mentioned, companies are being urged to spurn grotesqueries such as “blue sky thinking”, “thought shower”, “low-hanging fruit” and “cloud first” in job adverts in favour of plain English. Glory be that such common sense has come to the fore and not before time. | Talking of things that shouldn’t be mentioned, companies are being urged to spurn grotesqueries such as “blue sky thinking”, “thought shower”, “low-hanging fruit” and “cloud first” in job adverts in favour of plain English. Glory be that such common sense has come to the fore and not before time. |
| These ghastly phrases has been blighting the landscape for far too long. Out also goes “open the kimono”. A new one to me and if it is also swiftly consigned to the graveyard of meaningless phrases, it can’t be a moment too soon. Now, if you’ll excuse me I must be off to chop down the flagpole before anyone can run something up it… | These ghastly phrases has been blighting the landscape for far too long. Out also goes “open the kimono”. A new one to me and if it is also swiftly consigned to the graveyard of meaningless phrases, it can’t be a moment too soon. Now, if you’ll excuse me I must be off to chop down the flagpole before anyone can run something up it… |
| • Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist | • Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist |
| Language | Language |
| The shifting patterns of English | The shifting patterns of English |
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