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Boris takes a leaf out of Cummings' Game Theory for Dommies Boris takes a leaf out of Cummings' Game Theory for Dommies
(about 4 hours later)
“Let’s stick together,” said Boris Johnson, oblivious to the irony of threatening to sling 20 MPs out of his own party for doing what he had repeatedly done only months before. As impromptu statements outside Downing Street go, this was right up there with any of the more pointless ones given by Theresa May.“Let’s stick together,” said Boris Johnson, oblivious to the irony of threatening to sling 20 MPs out of his own party for doing what he had repeatedly done only months before. As impromptu statements outside Downing Street go, this was right up there with any of the more pointless ones given by Theresa May.
A speech that was muddled and half-arsed, whose only obvious purpose was to put the blame for any imminent general election on everyone but himself. “Pifflepafflewifflewaffle,” the prime minister mumbled, sounding rattled and lacking his usual sense of entitlement as he struggled to make his voice heard above the protesters just down the road.A speech that was muddled and half-arsed, whose only obvious purpose was to put the blame for any imminent general election on everyone but himself. “Pifflepafflewifflewaffle,” the prime minister mumbled, sounding rattled and lacking his usual sense of entitlement as he struggled to make his voice heard above the protesters just down the road.
He was on the verge of getting a great Brexit deal. It was just that neither he nor the EU had a clue what that deal was. So he didn’t want parliament getting in the way of the thing he didn’t know how to do. Largely because it was impossible. But we were still leaving on 31 October with or without a deal, even if parliament decided otherwise. And that was it. All he asked was that no one told the EU what the UK’s negotiating position was. Just as well Johnny Foreigner can’t understand English.He was on the verge of getting a great Brexit deal. It was just that neither he nor the EU had a clue what that deal was. So he didn’t want parliament getting in the way of the thing he didn’t know how to do. Largely because it was impossible. But we were still leaving on 31 October with or without a deal, even if parliament decided otherwise. And that was it. All he asked was that no one told the EU what the UK’s negotiating position was. Just as well Johnny Foreigner can’t understand English.
Johnson went back inside feeling strangely deflated. It somehow felt as if, in his first major standoff with his MPs, he had been the one to blink first. Still it must have been the right thing to do, he supposed, because Dominic Cummings had told him so. Not that Dom and Dommer had sounded entirely sure of himself, as all day he had appeared distracted as he immersed himself in Game Theory for Dommies.Johnson went back inside feeling strangely deflated. It somehow felt as if, in his first major standoff with his MPs, he had been the one to blink first. Still it must have been the right thing to do, he supposed, because Dominic Cummings had told him so. Not that Dom and Dommer had sounded entirely sure of himself, as all day he had appeared distracted as he immersed himself in Game Theory for Dommies.
“What do we do now?” Boris had asked, visibly panicked as the threats to Tory rebels appeared to be having no effect and he was staring down the barrel of an early election he might well lose.“What do we do now?” Boris had asked, visibly panicked as the threats to Tory rebels appeared to be having no effect and he was staring down the barrel of an early election he might well lose.
“Sssh,” Dom and Dommer had snapped. “I’m trying to work out what exactly Classic Dom would do. And then we’ll do precisely the opposite. Because that will be Classic Classic Dom. I know, we’ll have an election anyway. But we’ll have it on a Monday rather than a Thursday”. Classic Classic Classic Dom.“Sssh,” Dom and Dommer had snapped. “I’m trying to work out what exactly Classic Dom would do. And then we’ll do precisely the opposite. Because that will be Classic Classic Dom. I know, we’ll have an election anyway. But we’ll have it on a Monday rather than a Thursday”. Classic Classic Classic Dom.
Recess had ended as it had begun. A day of politics as surreal interpretive dance. In March, Michael Gove had declared there was no mandate for a no-deal Brexit because the country hadn’t voted for it in the 2016 referendum. That was before he became a fully paid-up member of the Conservative-Marxist-Leninist party (Surrey Heath branch). Now Commissar Gove is not only completely gung-ho about no deal, he’s hellbent on the government ignoring any legislation that parliament might pass to prevent it.Recess had ended as it had begun. A day of politics as surreal interpretive dance. In March, Michael Gove had declared there was no mandate for a no-deal Brexit because the country hadn’t voted for it in the 2016 referendum. That was before he became a fully paid-up member of the Conservative-Marxist-Leninist party (Surrey Heath branch). Now Commissar Gove is not only completely gung-ho about no deal, he’s hellbent on the government ignoring any legislation that parliament might pass to prevent it.
There would just about be enough dog food to go round – and if all else failed, we could eat dog – and democracy was far too precious to be wasted on the people. Especially when they were too stupid to know exactly what it was they had been told they wanted. It must be tough being Mikey sometimes. Make that always. So hard to keep up with one’s lack of principles.There would just about be enough dog food to go round – and if all else failed, we could eat dog – and democracy was far too precious to be wasted on the people. Especially when they were too stupid to know exactly what it was they had been told they wanted. It must be tough being Mikey sometimes. Make that always. So hard to keep up with one’s lack of principles.
Over on LBC radio, Jacob Rees-Mogg was going through his own identity crisis. Was he now affiliated to the Conservative Communist party of Britain or the Conservative Socialist Workers party? He always had been a stickler for detail. His reverie was interrupted by a call from Dr David Nicholl, a consultant neurologist who had helped draft the government’s Operation Yellowhammer plan. What level of mortality rate would he be willing to accept in a no-deal Brexit?Over on LBC radio, Jacob Rees-Mogg was going through his own identity crisis. Was he now affiliated to the Conservative Communist party of Britain or the Conservative Socialist Workers party? He always had been a stickler for detail. His reverie was interrupted by a call from Dr David Nicholl, a consultant neurologist who had helped draft the government’s Operation Yellowhammer plan. What level of mortality rate would he be willing to accept in a no-deal Brexit?
“That’s typical,” Jacob snapped. Why was it always the weak, the sick and the dying who were so concerned about their personal survival? Didn’t they understand it was an honour to suffer for the Motherland? “Are you expecting the death toll to be greater than at Stalingrad?” “Er, no,” said Nicholl. “Well then,” Rees-Mogg replied triumphantly. “What’s the problem?”“That’s typical,” Jacob snapped. Why was it always the weak, the sick and the dying who were so concerned about their personal survival? Didn’t they understand it was an honour to suffer for the Motherland? “Are you expecting the death toll to be greater than at Stalingrad?” “Er, no,” said Nicholl. “Well then,” Rees-Mogg replied triumphantly. “What’s the problem?”
Up in Salford, Jeremy Corbyn was finding his own change in circumstances equally problematic. He was used to being the class warrior, intent on bringing down the system. Now he unexpectedly found himself as the custodian of parliamentary democracy and a member of the hated establishment elite. Just by not being a total psychopath and saying he would respect the rule of law.Up in Salford, Jeremy Corbyn was finding his own change in circumstances equally problematic. He was used to being the class warrior, intent on bringing down the system. Now he unexpectedly found himself as the custodian of parliamentary democracy and a member of the hated establishment elite. Just by not being a total psychopath and saying he would respect the rule of law.
“Good morning,” he said, almost inaudibly. For a man who had been turned into the voice of reason for more than half the country, he sounded almost too chilled. He could just about manage the pastel cosmetics of Middle England but there was little by way of real passion. It was as if Johnson was just proposing a few minor changes to the licensing laws, rather than rewriting the UK’s democratic procedures. Corbyn said he was ready for a general election providing it took place before 31 October, but the Labour party didn’t seem convinced.“Good morning,” he said, almost inaudibly. For a man who had been turned into the voice of reason for more than half the country, he sounded almost too chilled. He could just about manage the pastel cosmetics of Middle England but there was little by way of real passion. It was as if Johnson was just proposing a few minor changes to the licensing laws, rather than rewriting the UK’s democratic procedures. Corbyn said he was ready for a general election providing it took place before 31 October, but the Labour party didn’t seem convinced.
Back in Downing Street, Dilyn the Jack Russell was being carried upstairs in a red carrier bag. “How are you feeling?” asked a special adviser. “Rough, rough.” Back in Downing Street, Dilyn the jack russell was being carried upstairs in a red carrier bag. “How are you feeling?” asked a special adviser. “Rough, rough.”
“Why?” “Imagine how you would feel,” said Dilyn. “Brought in just as an accessory to make your owner look a bit less shit and knowing you’re going to be dumped when you’re no longer useful.”“Why?” “Imagine how you would feel,” said Dilyn. “Brought in just as an accessory to make your owner look a bit less shit and knowing you’re going to be dumped when you’re no longer useful.”
Dilyn walked across the carpet and pissed on it. He might as well do his best to try and fit in.Dilyn walked across the carpet and pissed on it. He might as well do his best to try and fit in.
BrexitBrexit
The politics sketchThe politics sketch
Boris JohnsonBoris Johnson
Dominic CummingsDominic Cummings
Michael GoveMichael Gove
Jacob Rees-MoggJacob Rees-Mogg
Jeremy CorbynJeremy Corbyn
ConservativesConservatives
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