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Labour elite wins a battle, but it might have just lost the war Labour elite wins a battle, but it might have just lost the war
(32 minutes later)
Brexit continues to turn everything it touches to dust. There are no wise people left, so it can only now take pleasure by making fools of fools. Easy pickings but good for the LOLs. It’s come down to this for Labour. On the third day of its conference in Brighton, the best result for the party would have been for all three contradictory Brexit motions to have been passed.Brexit continues to turn everything it touches to dust. There are no wise people left, so it can only now take pleasure by making fools of fools. Easy pickings but good for the LOLs. It’s come down to this for Labour. On the third day of its conference in Brighton, the best result for the party would have been for all three contradictory Brexit motions to have been passed.
That way everyone could have gone home happy in a state of constructive ambiguity. The Momentum remainers who had backed Jeremy Corbyn in 2015 precisely because he had promised party members a say in forming policy would feel their voice had been heard. Those Momentum members for whom Corbyn had only ever been the once and future king would have made their mark. And the old guard of the national executive committee (NEC) who had always traditionally stitched up policy behind the scenes would be free to do so again. Come the Clause V meeting to write the next election manifesto, the NEC would have a free rein. Win-win for everyone.That way everyone could have gone home happy in a state of constructive ambiguity. The Momentum remainers who had backed Jeremy Corbyn in 2015 precisely because he had promised party members a say in forming policy would feel their voice had been heard. Those Momentum members for whom Corbyn had only ever been the once and future king would have made their mark. And the old guard of the national executive committee (NEC) who had always traditionally stitched up policy behind the scenes would be free to do so again. Come the Clause V meeting to write the next election manifesto, the NEC would have a free rein. Win-win for everyone.
Only it turned out that the Labour party is even more self-destructive than anyone had imagined. The afternoon drama had begun with Emily Thornberry giving her keynote speech. One pitched more as a fading cabaret act – nudge nudge, wink wink – than as a shadow foreign secretary. Almost as if she knew her days might be numbered with her unequivocal support for Labour campaigning as a remain party at the next election and wanted to leave the stage with one last hurrah.Only it turned out that the Labour party is even more self-destructive than anyone had imagined. The afternoon drama had begun with Emily Thornberry giving her keynote speech. One pitched more as a fading cabaret act – nudge nudge, wink wink – than as a shadow foreign secretary. Almost as if she knew her days might be numbered with her unequivocal support for Labour campaigning as a remain party at the next election and wanted to leave the stage with one last hurrah.
Then came the debate on the three competing motions. The NEC statement committing Labour to only deciding what side to support in a second referendum after a special conference following an election won by Jeremy Corbyn. Composite 13 committing Labour to supporting remain going into the imminent election. And composite 14 disagreeing with the need for a decision on what side to support in a referendum to be postponed because the Messiah had already given absolute clarity on his position. It was just conference’s bad luck that no one in the hall was enlightened enough to determine what it was. Then came the debate on the three competing motions: the NEC statement committing Labour to only deciding what side to support in a second referendum after a special conference following an election won by Jeremy Corbyn; composite 13 committing Labour to supporting remain going into the imminent election; and composite 14 disagreeing with the need for a decision on what side to support in a referendum to be postponed because the Messiah had already given absolute clarity on his position. It was just conference’s bad luck that no-one in the hall was enlightened enough to determine what it was.
There was a moment’s silence before Wendy Nichols, the chair for the debate who appeared to have been chosen solely because she could be relied on to be totally useless, called on everyone to engage in collective spiritual bargaining through transcendental meditation. Om. Nothing. Om, Om. Still nothing. Nichols then called on an interpretive dance troupe to explain Corbyn’s Brexit position through Dadaist performance art. That wasn’t much help either. Still, no one had ever pretended Jeremy ever took anything but the road less travelled.There was a moment’s silence before Wendy Nichols, the chair for the debate who appeared to have been chosen solely because she could be relied on to be totally useless, called on everyone to engage in collective spiritual bargaining through transcendental meditation. Om. Nothing. Om, Om. Still nothing. Nichols then called on an interpretive dance troupe to explain Corbyn’s Brexit position through Dadaist performance art. That wasn’t much help either. Still, no one had ever pretended Jeremy ever took anything but the road less travelled.
Things quickly turned nasty in the hall, as many of the grassroots members who were brandishing placards saying “Labour members say stop Brexit” began to suspect that the party hierarchy had packed the room with stooges. Old habits die hard. Never hold a vote unless you know the outcome in advance. Something David Cameron should have remembered three years earlier.Things quickly turned nasty in the hall, as many of the grassroots members who were brandishing placards saying “Labour members say stop Brexit” began to suspect that the party hierarchy had packed the room with stooges. Old habits die hard. Never hold a vote unless you know the outcome in advance. Something David Cameron should have remembered three years earlier.
Speaker after speaker came to the podium to declare undying loyalty to Corbyn. Brexit had become a side issue, a neoliberal conspiracy to stop the country from talking about Corbyn’s anti-austerity policies. Remain and leave were just arbitrary constructs of false consciousness. Nothing was more important than maintaining belief in Jeremy. To have even a trace of doubt in Corbyn’s divinity was a complete betrayal. There could be no challenge or sign of original thought. Total belief was all that counted.Speaker after speaker came to the podium to declare undying loyalty to Corbyn. Brexit had become a side issue, a neoliberal conspiracy to stop the country from talking about Corbyn’s anti-austerity policies. Remain and leave were just arbitrary constructs of false consciousness. Nothing was more important than maintaining belief in Jeremy. To have even a trace of doubt in Corbyn’s divinity was a complete betrayal. There could be no challenge or sign of original thought. Total belief was all that counted.
Labour commits hara-kiri by copying Tories' playbook on infightingLabour commits hara-kiri by copying Tories' playbook on infighting
Come the votes, the NEC statement and composite 14 were passed overwhelmingly. Chants of ‘Oh Je-re-my Cor-byn’ broke out around the room. The good old days were back again. Composite 13 appeared to be too close to call. To everyone except Nichols, who was having her ear bent by Jennie Formby, general secretary of the Labour party, sat beside her on the stage.Come the votes, the NEC statement and composite 14 were passed overwhelmingly. Chants of ‘Oh Je-re-my Cor-byn’ broke out around the room. The good old days were back again. Composite 13 appeared to be too close to call. To everyone except Nichols, who was having her ear bent by Jennie Formby, general secretary of the Labour party, sat beside her on the stage.
“Um, I though the vote had gone one way,” Nichols said, “But Jennie’s just told me something else. So the vote is lost.” VAR had ruled. Cue uproar and demands for the vote to be rerun on a card count rather than a show of hands. That way there would be no room for error and no votes accidentally included from anyone ineligible. Heaven forbid.“Um, I though the vote had gone one way,” Nichols said, “But Jennie’s just told me something else. So the vote is lost.” VAR had ruled. Cue uproar and demands for the vote to be rerun on a card count rather than a show of hands. That way there would be no room for error and no votes accidentally included from anyone ineligible. Heaven forbid.
Nichols hastily doubled down on her own fuck-ups. “The vote has been passed,” she said. Formby pulled out a gun and pointed it at her head. “I meant lost. Lost. Lost. LOST”. Jeremy had definitely won. He had at least 110% of the vote. It had been the most democratic vote in the history of all democratic votes. The confusion had been that all the remainers couldn’t see all the people who had voted for Jeremy who had been standing just outside the hall. Nichols hastily doubled down on her own fuck-ups. “The vote has been passed,” she said. Formby pulled out a gun and pointed it at her head. “I meant lost. Lost. Lost. LOST.” Jeremy had definitely won. He had at least 110% of the vote. It had been the most democratic vote in the history of all democratic votes. The confusion had been that all the remainers couldn’t see all the people who had voted for Jeremy who had been standing just outside the hall.
It had been a shambles. Labour had clutched defeat from the jaws of ambiguity. Just when the Tories were on their knees, Labour had proved itself unwilling to subject itself to scrutiny. The voice of the majority of its members ignored. Not even allowed a proper count. Party policy was now “make me something, but I’ve no idea what”.It had been a shambles. Labour had clutched defeat from the jaws of ambiguity. Just when the Tories were on their knees, Labour had proved itself unwilling to subject itself to scrutiny. The voice of the majority of its members ignored. Not even allowed a proper count. Party policy was now “make me something, but I’ve no idea what”.
The Saviour had been saved and the Labour elite might have won the battle. But it could have just lost the war.The Saviour had been saved and the Labour elite might have won the battle. But it could have just lost the war.
Labour conference 2019Labour conference 2019
The politics sketchThe politics sketch
LabourLabour
Jeremy CorbynJeremy Corbyn
BrexitBrexit
MomentumMomentum
Emily ThornberryEmily Thornberry
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